Shores, an Introduction.
I started to work on this like 20 days ago. I figured I’d make it a little summer project of mine. I’ll do what they tell you to do. Force yourself to Shit out a number of words. each day. Until you hit 40.000 or so. Then you go back and edit. And I’ll post it on Amazon. No one will ever say I never ran a 3-hour marathon. And no one will ever say I never wrote a novel. Novella, I guess.

But fuck it, I’m tired and I think I’ve said enough. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve still got resentments, and I’m tired, but it’s only 5000 words. Easy for you, easy for me. I like Things that I can read in one night.

Life is lived between the shores of Childhood and retirement.

There. that’s poetic. The shores of Childhood and Retirement. I want to write a great book. that’s original. mind-blowing. revolutionary. but I cannot. I’m not good enough. At least, I hope this little thing will be therapeutic. After about 30, I started thinking… how many days do I still have until retirement? Why is it taking so long? The longer I’m unemployed, the more diagnoses I seem to accumulate. My first therapist… who I saw for like a year just told me to stop drinking and get a job. Ain’t that fucking complicated. Then he said he didn’t say that. But I’m pretty sure he did.

George. you fucking Gaslighter. at least he didn’t say I’m crazy.

Other people started saying I’m kind of crazy though. One dude said ADHD. Next guy said Bipolar. If I keep going, I bet I can get on the Aspie scale too. that seems popular. But I dunno. I kinda looked into it, and I think I’m pretty good with metaphors. Usually. Why did the girl get the job? well ya know… she had a couple of big qualifications up front. it took a minute… but I understand. Do you understand?

So, getting back to this life business. Living life. I guess I do see some of that ADHD stuff. Could be. I got through college. that seemed like some kind of finish line. To make my daddy proud. he thought there’s real good schools in America. I disagree. and then I did get a job. and I was just kind of starring at my work. All day. And I was like 22 and I never got any pussy. I don’t know. Either it’s ADHD or I was just extremely fucking tired. and I didn’t know what to do next. Why? I didn’t want to deal with all this shit anymore. the Lying fucking boss. the dysfunctional parents. I guess I had an assumption. A vision… or expectation of what life would be. And this wasn’t it.

I saw I was being led toward a cage. A nice cage… maybe. But still a cage, with rules, and clocks, and lots of Silly people. And I said, fuck it. This ain’t a life.

Maybe it’s for the better. do you need someone… to hold… and to talk to? to blame and yell at. if you’re real creative, you’ll make some babies real soon, and start making them feel guilty for your shit too. We’re all like a mountain lake. We need a source, and an outflow. We need someone else to fill up with our nonsense. Our prejudices, our bad habits, our favorite fucking movies… and recipes.

But I’m a writer now, see? I get to disseminate my bullshit on an industrial scale.

Psychologist Walter Mischel who passed away a few years ago did this experiment… Many are familiar with it. If you can delay gratification, you get more treats and higher SAT scores. I’m butchering it, I know, but I wonder if anyone thought of using it as an ADHD diagnostic tool. Because I can wait. Ohh, I can definitely wait. and wait and wait. I’m a Pro at waiting. And they still didn’t give me any marshmallows. They said waiting is good, right? As I recall, they never said that I also have to start doing stuff.

They say ADHD kids can’t sit still. But ADHD adults can’t get shit done.

Something like that. Remember. Doctors also used to prescribe cocaine and cigarettes. True story.

2 things motivate your ass out of ADHD paralysis.

you need a challenge and you need a deadline.

Weiki is a challenge.

Weiki is the only notable alumni from our new and mildly prestigious public magnet school in Southeast Michigan. According to Wikipedia. I feel like we should be doing better by now…

She went to Harvard and wrote a novel. I can do better than Weiki. I find her writing weak and tame. Tame means domesticated. But, grammatically correct and socially acceptable.

Jesus, did she sell movie rights too? Fuck now I’m jealous.

Half her book is a brain dump of science facts. Anything to get that word count, right Weiki? Part I ends with a marriage proposal. I don’t think I’m going to finish Part II…

Weiki’s probably never been to jail but she knows nothing of life outside an institution. Institutions. Institution of Harvard… Institution of Marriage. Institution of Wal-mart. Institution of a Taxi. That’s a good one. It’s hard to get out of… institutions, isn’t it? I guess that’s where the world is headed.

China…

You show up. You get what you get. And be grateful. But… But everyone wants a little more than they deserve. Don’t we?

I’ve decided novels are usually a just a time killer. Which is why I’ll probably write only one. Sort of novel. You get maybe three or four nuggets of wisdom in there. Maybe. And then you forget all about it next month. If you have a job, especially. I don’t. I mean, what the hell was I reading in Middle school?

Rainbow 6 and House of Leaves. House of leaves. There was a house… and a movie… Were there ghosts? and sometimes the text was all over the place. And in different colors. The cover looked pretty cool. But what’s the point? What the hell’s the point?

Weiki and I both know… if you’re gonna make it in Science or math, you’ll do it by about 30. Even then… you’re already getting dumber, it turns out. I first heard that idea in a Michael Crichton film… Sphere (1998). There was a book too. I wasn’t ever good at that stuff to begin with. Same for many athletes, of course. I heard that when I was like 12… damn. Not much time left, huh? To make a dent… in the Universe. I suppose writers usually peak after 30. Life experience kind of helps.

And then… then you just use more and more words to say things that are uninteresting. That’s what I’m trying to avoid. But, pretty soon AIs will probably be taking over Novel writing, too. And Cameras will replace historians… and so on. Brave New World!

Part I

Dean Karnazes – I started running to escape the memories that drinking couldn’t cover up.

It’s the worst April that I can remember…. some nights are still around Freezing this year.

The day begins with a crisis. I can’t help it. happens at least once a year. Worst day of the year. 7 AM. you’re out for a run. you’re almost 3 miles in. 22 minutes or so. you forgot to take a dump before leaving. you look around for options. there’s some bushes and trees by the railroad. there might still be a plastic John about a mile away by the construction site. can you make it? fuck. fuck fuk fuk. You’ve got to make a choice. Pick something. you do what you gotta do. what a relief. What a fucking victory. No witnesses. the worst is over. Let the day begin.

I run because it helps me sleep. Sleep has something to do with mania and depression. I think it’s better to sleep. Also. it’s one of those solid, quantifiable disciplines where it’s easy to be honest with yourself about how you’re doing. There’s no way to bullshit yourself out of running 26 miles. You either do it, or you don’t. Last time I finished a marathon I was in the top 100 out of a thousand finishers. That’s pretty good. It’s not super. I wouldn’t call it great. But, pretty good.

Boston. And I need to finish this fucking book before I run Boston.

II. “Not a hotbed of mental health.” (Anon)

Thought I almost died 3 times today.

On the freeway. Crazy people. and I’m completely sober.

that’s another thing you hear a lot in the rooms. Almost died like… Seventy times. Twelve DUIs!!

Some people do literally die… from Heroin I guess. For a while. And then they wake up. sometimes.

I guess I began to get the message. you better stop this shit, or you’re gonna die.

You’re gonna die!!!!!

Well what if that’s not the message…?

what if the message is…. you go when you go. and Alcohol has very little to do with it.

No, I really think it’s the first one.

SO… when you’re out of friends and out of money, or maybe get a DUI, you find yourself a local Aa directory and start drinking coffee in church basements. Like 5 times a week. Really.

AA has been my port of call for a decade. I’ve tried to do a little bit of it… it’s some kind of weird mind Aikido… or Jiu-jitsu. perhaps martial arts is not a good analogy. Anyway. Once I tried to sum it up in a sentence. and it sounds to me like.

You’re a bad person, pray to God.

Because… well, that’s what it says. it tells you to look at your role in everything you hate about the world. Everything. And it says well CLEAN UP THE STREET. Your side, of the street. I say, you go first, buddy.

I used to go to a Group around here that’s some strange version of the Solomon Asch experiment. Really. this is what they’d say. they say Well, if two people give you the same advice, you think real hard about it. And, shit, if 3 people tell you the same thing, you better go and do it. JUST DO IT!!! I forget if they give you any guidance on how to choose your 3 people…

Of course I stopped going… to that one… but apparently they still have some “Sober” people there. I anticipate serious problems with implementing that Philosophy, also. What can I say? If it works… it works. I’m not that masochistic.

Oh, and here’s another one. They keep saying they’re not a religion. Ha ha ha. Well, perhaps you use different words, but just read what it says. It says God a lot… doesn’t it? It says confess. It says carry the message. Sounds an awful lot like missionary work. Pray… They almost always rent space from Churches. I dunno. Smells a lot like Religion to me. I wouldn’t call it a form of exercise, for instance. But what else do you really need for a religion?

Alcoholism means you drink when you don’t want to. Great. now what the hell does that mean? And what are we going to do about it…

I have a theory… that it’s some combination of Thirst, anxiety, and depression. And booze just seems to do the job!

For a while. One fella I know drinks insane amounts of Mountain Dew. Often, I catch him dragging multiple shopping carts into the recycle center. Overflowing with plastic bags filled with cans and bottles. of Non-alcoholic beverages. He’s in recovery… I guess he found a way that works.

We drink because of lies and injustice. Sometimes they do it to us. Sometimes we do it to them. Lies and injustice.

What the hell is a spiritual awakening? Well, I suppose it happens sometimes.

you go back to those early days. Hopefully you can remember. Remember learning to tie your shoes in kindergarten? remember being mean to that mute girl, maybe?

Ever steal your friends’ toys. Bet you did. And if you dig, and dig, and dig some more, and keep digging. and see what a piece of shit you’ve been. since Kindergarten. It’s really important. There’s probably some compounding going on. In the back of your mind. From all that little shit. You’ve got to remember.

then one day, you step outside. and you do feel, perhaps a load comes off your back.

Perhaps you feel nauseous.

but the struggle is over. the pain is gone. Not all of it. But most of it… Something like that.

when the pain gets bad enough, you know what you have to do. That’s the process, I think. But no one can make you do it.

is this a good thing?

Well. Eckhart T. says it was so Delicious he didn’t mind being homeless for a few years. that’s the story.

D. R. Hawkins writes, in Letting Go, if you get to the level of Peace, which is one of the higher states in his… philosophy, you will no longer be controlled or manipulated. that’s kind of what we’re looking for, I guess.

Easy? Probably not….

Me? no. not a Saint, unfortunately. I still get some sick pleasure out of feeling sorry for myself. Often. It’s fucking weird. there’s something that I’m missing… something’s not quite right….

I think we had another breakthrough, recently. the man says he spent 40 years drinking… and I know that I gotta decide. Should I be jealous? or should I be grateful? Both? Because I only got 7 or so… years of Real drinking.

there’s another man who looks about 55. he looks like he’s always tries to put on a happy face. tries too hard. He says he’s grateful. Is he? He’s here because his wife was going to leave him. He has to go to work. 

And there’s this woman who says… I don’t know what I’ll be when I grow up. And everyone laughs.

Because she’s like 55.

How long will your parents put up with you?

Probably until they die.

Victims and takers don’t make it. you’ve got to learn to be useful. being useful without fucking shit up may be difficult.

All the beer… all the beer I had to drink… because some moron in AA thought he knows God’s will for me. Big trap. Big, big trap. We’re goin on a Trip… a Power trip. Noun – self-aggrandizing quest for ever-increasing control over others.

III. The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults. (Peter De Vries)

A date story. Mostly fictional… hehe.

it’s a date. We agreed to have coffee at the little cafe a block away from the church after the Noon meeting. Something came back to me from my last sponsor…. stop helping young girls Out of recovery. don’t date for a year. Watch 28 Days with Sandra Bullock, and don’t date for a year! Get a pet first… And stop drinking.

I was thinking of handing out business cards…

I am looking for a loyal and courageous girl who’ll cheerfully see me through more sprees. If that’s something you’re interested in, I guess I can focus more on your inner beauty, also.

Or… Working steps 5 & 13 with young girls in Early recovery.

Anyway, I need this sex thing to make sense at least once. And I’m afraid the only way it ever will is if I pay for it. With cash. Today.

Yes, probably.

So you selling?

No, I play the long game. I like to tear your heart out years or months later.

Well that’s good. It’s good that you know that about yourself… most people don’t have that level of insight.

So what is it that you find so complicated…?

One night stands are great… everyone’s usually drunk. Girl usually runs away in the morning. Sometimes I miss them.

or sometimes you’re that rebound guy. you know? it’s another one of those… interesting situations. it’s not special sex. it’s just… uh. well just Random sex, I guess. We know this is not going to last. both of us. we both know this. And then we move on. Maybe still friends. but probably not…

then you meet someone… like this. and you’re serious. You’re done. This is the one. But then again some fuck up happens. Someone has to move. or the EX comes back at precisely the wrong moment. see what I mean? it just never, ever, ever makes sense.

I guess some things you gotta get right the first time…. or you’re in for a life of torture. But how often does it really work out that way? That it’s just you, and her. and you know you’ll be together forever. Even though you don’t know shit and you’re both like… 20.

I think it’s always torture… so you think you’re really done drinking now?

Why? Why do you care? This isn’t a long-term thing we’re discussing here. You’re a 6.5. You’re like Jordan Peterson’s daughter. A six is a girl you’d have sex with, sober. But that’s about it. it’s not something you want to see… again and again. Plus, you have to plan ahead. What will this look like 5 years from now? Probably not gonna get any better, you know? what’s the point? why am I doing this…..

What I hate the most is all the fucking personification. Don’t get into the ring with Alcohol! Beer wants to kill you. It’s out there. Waiting. Waiting to Kick your Ass! Beer. Beer will kick your ass, you pussy.

I guess it does seem a little mysterious and magical… how people can develop this relationship with this thing called Ethanol, Mr. C2H6o. It doesn’t always break your heart. Seems the liver’s first to go, if you drink long enough… Some counselors like to call it a Romance. I had a fun night with my best friends… Jack, Johnnie, and Jim B. And so on.

The phenomenon of craving that they talk about. Is that like missing someone? I don’t know. I guess you can argue there are similarities. I don’t even know what the fuck that means, to be honest. I miss you. I MISS YOU! people say it so much, but it’s probably an entirely different chemical process. I know what it feels like to need a beer. And it’s a lot worse than Missing someone. But I hear they have groups for that too. Love addicts. Is that where you go when someone takes out a restraining order?

Don’t love too much. hehe. In fact, maybe you should stop altogether!

Well, you’re not really a Clooney impersonator, either you know. Do you even go to the dentist? Ever? So am I closer to a Six or a 7, honestly? And what would be an 8?

Jessica Alba in sin city is an 8. 2005. If she had more tits, she could be a solid 9. but. no tits. Not enough, anyway.

So, East or West coast? I need to get out of this hell hole.

Never been west of Austin. And I hate California, without even going there. I can’t stand actors. I’ve met too many actors. People pleasers. Ass kissers. I always say. You ain’t paying me enough to be an actor. I’m not a child. I’m not here to be nice to people I don’t like.

Of course… if I really could do what I wanted I guess I’d move back to Philly. The old 19103. I finally started having sex. With people. And I think I had a friend. I owe him 200 dollars. I had the most amazing year. But then the drugs and stuff…. kicked my ass, I guess, went off the rails a bit.

Personification. It’s a sin.

Yeah? And then how do you plan to support yourself?

I don’t know. I’m praying really hard. Maybe something will work out. I’m writing the Great American novel.

You’re Russian.

Being American’s about loving Freedom. and I love freedom…

the hardest, and most important thing about Freedom, is you have to leave people alone… they have Meetings for that, too by the way. Co-dependents anonymous. Sometimes I wish my parents would get on a program, but then I realize if they find out they’re codependent, I might not have a place to live. It’s not like I’m taking hostages. they love me too much, or maybe just feel guilty about fucking me up. or something. I don’t really understand it. I don’t think it’s a healthy thing… to get enmeshed… with the Cheeldren. you’ve got to learn to leave people alone.

So mind your own business? You need to write a book about that?

Uh. Sure, sort of. For some reason it seemed more profound a few seconds ago, in my head. and you? What’s your great ambition in life? What did you do in college?

French and Psychology. or maybe it was just French psychology. I don’t recall. My shrink says better be alone than in a bad relationship. And I’m still not impressed. I gotta go to work.

So you want to watch a movie or something? You said you’re going to the 8 o’clock, right??

What are you thinking?

Glass Castle. with Woody Harrelson.

IV. In the animal kingdom, the rule is, eat or be eaten; in the human kingdom, define or be defined (Thomas Szasz)

Seems both communists and capitalists like to say that Freedom is their main goal. Ultimate destination. Liberation of Mankind!

in practice, unfortunately, everyone seems to try to make you work too much. Yes, everyone. Even the Americans say. Well, freedom isn’t free. Freedom isn’t Free!

that always worried me.

Well hold on a minute. Hold on.
How much do I have to work exactly to get a little bit of “freedom” here?

How much? Can I get a better deal somewhere else??

What if what you call Freedom is really more like Human flourishing? what if your real goal is to reach your potential? I’m afraid you do have to suffer quite a bit if you want to reach that potential, don’t you? And any suffering to me seems pretty inconsistent with Freedom. And both Freedom and Flourishing have very little to do with establishing an employment relationship… this I believe!

I guess, after many years, it seems US jails are kind of like the Sweet spot.
you probably aren’t going to get laid. but there’s food, free movies, and you can play cards and stuff. Read books.

on a more serious note, there is an often overlooked spiritual component here.

Peace of mind. freedom from… anxiety and worry. What if you’ve got all the shit you want… but you’re still suicidally depressed?

happens sometimes, seriously. Freedom. yes. someday I gotta write a book about freedom

I remember in high school, we had some class where they would talk about how many thousands of dollars it would take to raise a child up to college. Economics? It was an insane number. Not even counting college. Why were we talking about that I wonder. were they trying to deter teen pregnancy? Were they trying to make us appreciate our parents? I don’t know.

But today… I am going to explore Walmart. You can get everything at the Walmart.

What would a kid need? Video games… candy. School supplies. Hehe. A couple of bicycles. Fishing rods? I remember some fishing trips.

Stop right there. Let’s use this opportunity to process trauma. Holidays and camping trips were great fun. Great time for parents to let off steam. I can’t believe this isn’t considered a Disease yet. This thing where we’re approaching a happy moment. What should be a happy moment. and this is the time. this is the time when they need to start uh… discussing things. Digging up shit on each other. Loud. And you can’t chop would, you fucking moron. and so on. That is the disease, isn’t it?

But first you gotta get a picture taken. Look happy kid, will ya?

Instead we’re all busy treating the Symptoms of THAT disease. hehehe. OMG. I love it. Loving this. Everything has a therapeutic purpose.

And how about some shoes? Okay.

Forget it, we’ll go to DSW for the shoes. 70 dollars or something.

Yes, it does add up, doesn’t it?

Steel Reserve. 1.48 / 1.67 after deposit and tax.

I do believe that’s the best deal in town.

Am I happy? Of course I am. 3 of those bad boys and I know I won’t be sad till tomorrow.

V. his view is about the destiny of the human race on this planet. about whether we will ever learn to make sense, or whether we’ll just keep making money and madness. it’s a real big question (Rick Roderick on Herbert Marcuse, 1993)

God said this: From this moment on, He will punish horribly anybody who torments a bum who has no connections (Kurt Vonnegut)

I was already a comedy connoisseur in high school. Leno was better than Letterman, and George Carlin of course was the best.

Carlin’s dead. Leno’s retired. I don’t really give a shit about Letterman. Probably retired, too. Jimmy Dore’s about as good it gets these days. Someone said… I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government. true. Who actually said it I can’t figure out. Several possible authors.

People do change, I suppose. And at some point, everything became funny to me. Really, Everything.

Maybe it’s that spiritual awakening thing. What was it? this escape into humor. Just a coping mechanism I guess. Nothing better to do… But yes. I did love the Tonight show. in those days.

this Privacy thing really is a serious topic, I guess. With enough technological advancement, I suppose it is inevitable that privacy disappears. And maybe someday we do reach an “End” of history. Whether it’s NSA… some 8 year old’s iPhone…. or both.

Someone’s always watching. If we do know, for sure, the facts. Facts. What was said. What was done. We can finally get a grip on what really is intended. And what motives drive decisions. World War 1? Wwii? We can only guess, I guess. Seems like the Good guys won, for now…

The question is, who gets to see everything? And, as the Romans said, who will watch the watchers?

At some point, after 30… I began to get this feeling that, yes I am actually living through History.

And things happen. And things get written down. And things are Taught.

But things are rarely what they seem.

I often wonder, for example, what really was 911? and what do they teach about it? in History departments. Pretty sure it was High School Sophomore year for me. Instead of class, we watched television, of course. That, I definitely remember.

These days… The best explanation I heard, was Ilhan Omar.

Some people did something. Brilliant. And 100 percent true.

Some people. Did something. Apparently, some people died, too. If you do enough digging, you see all kinds of… Entities being blamed for 911. Some say planes were remote-controlled. Some say Buildings were rigged to be knocked down. And who the hell really knows. Who are we supposed to believe?

The US itself… possible, I guess. A few middle east actors. I read or heard somewhere that only 3 countries had enough “intelligence” to pull off that stunt. US, UK, and Israel. But why?

And I suppose I wonder why no one cared to offer USSR as a possibility. Sure, it ended, they say, 10 years before. But unlike these 3, USSR actually was an Adversary, wasn’t it? I guess if Russia really figured out how to start a war with Ukraine, that’s not a real solid theory, either. Anyone my age or older from that part of the world must be really, really confused.

Nope. we’re still not done with this War shit, huh? Last I heard, the Pope offered Zelensky a peace plan.

and Ukraine refused… yes, I suppose this may take a while.

And it is very unlikely that “Osama” could launch a cruise missile into the Pentagon. Oh wait, was it really a plane? I don’t know, I guess. I wasn’t there, was I? But the “Osama” version seems to be an unlikely theory… if you ask me.

What’s true, is that people did begin to lose Rights… as Ilhan said. And the government probably did add a few more money-sucking, dysfunctional departments. And there’s probably no going back from that. The scary version, is that people really don’t know what the fuck happened.

I think it’s a sin to know the truth, or at least to know that you don’t know, yet offer fairy tales, and call it History.

History really should be something else…

Edward Snowden says…. we act less free under observation.

Whitney Cummings says hey, at least people behave.

Lindsay Lohan… well. heh. yes I always think about Lindsay here. She wrote a song about privacy. Look it up.

Ultimately, the genre here is fiction… I’m not that smart. They don’t tell me everything.

There will be a time… someday. Where we’ll never have that opportunity to lie and get away with it. I hope it happens soon.
And all the news channels and the Googles and Yahoos will scream, real loud. That man’s a liar. What he said isn’t true. I hope that’s where we’re going. We have to confess our sins. Or have them be confessed for us…

And I hope that applies to other people, too.

the best class I had since High School, was the…

1993 Rick Roderick lectures – self under siege.

It was a strange experience, listening to this big Texas fella, at Duke, explaining European Marxist philosophers.

Seems like an odd thing to be doing… in 1993, after communism was apparently defeated….

My mom’s analysis of the Soviet collapse was something like… well people just got lazy. No one wanted to do shit. I don’t know if that’s historically accurate. and is it really a sign of defeat? or victory…

anyway. you can’t just do nothing forever, I guess

No, I haven’t read any Habermas… or Marcuse personally. Habermas writes in German. And Marcuse. Well, it’s mostly English, but still makes my head hurt. We’re all getting dumber, remember? I like the ending of the Essay on Liberation though.

Something about a Black girl… She said: for the first time in our life, we shall be free to think about what we are going to do.

That’s 1969. 50 years ago. Do we even have that Freedom yet?

Heard that somewhere else before. We take the time to allow ourselves the privilege of thinking.

I’d say that’s a fine definition of Freedom… to start with. I’m still waiting for my Marshmallows. Just don’t give me shit and call it sugar. Ya know? Cmon. Ya know. Yanno… I’ve got plenty of time. I can do many useful things. I can be an actor. I can implement democracy. Some people will still go out and fuck up your country real bad to “implement democracy” because it’s the right thing… Isn’t it? Some people. I’m not naming any names, but that’s what some people do.

The war…. how is this even possible? too many people. I guess. a lot of them aren’t very smart. someone pissed them off. someone gave them a gun. they got up. got dressed. and caught a bullet.

They have these Civil War reenactments in America. people pretend to have a battle. it’s all BS of course. maybe it’s one of those things. I think they had the battle of the salt mines not too long ago. Soledar? Reminds me of a certain wooden puppet. Maybe they’re playing paintball… I don’t know.

I’ve become a phenomenologist. I gotta see it to believe it.

I think that’s phenomenology. people are full of shit and the internet is full of propaganda.

who the hell really knows what’s going on in the world. or maybe it’s real. Maybe it really is important. maybe the purpose of war is to produce men like… Remarque or Vonnegut. or Ballard. or Jerzy Kosinski. But I don’t know who does the cost – benefit analysis on that. it’s time to mint some great writers… someone said. And off they went.

So, now what?

For me… I have to wear my sleeves a little longer than I’d like most days. But I understand very, very well what Dumas said…. You need to wish for death before you know how good it is to live. That makes sense to me. What does it mean exactly. I guess it means I don’t give a shit as much… I don’t have to lie.

Just remember. there are other things to do. Read a book. Watch a movie. Drink, if you have to.

and if you’re all out of options, maybe fall in love. See where that gets you.

We started by discussing Novels and Psychology. And we’re ending with meditations on Reality and Philosophy.

Psychology tries to answer the question why are you so fucked up? Philosophy tries to answer the questions… what do I know… and what am I supposed to do about it?

So I’m 35 and I’m close to not hating my parents. I’m not there yet, but I think I’m close. I’m beginning to believe maybe they do love me… sometimes, and they don’t make kids simply for the purpose of satisfying a sadistic impulse. Of producing a scapegoat… a human target… for the release of their general frustration. How do I know this? Well I guess I’ve been a man of leisure the past 10 years. Living by the grace of Mom…

Once or twice a year I get a nice vacation. To Traverse City, or the Berkshires perhaps. It’s nice. They got museums and stuff, if you’re into that sort of thing. Dubois, Melville, Edith Wharton, Norman Rockwell. Famous dead people… you know. Some times I think I’d have a better life in some “Institution” maybe a school… or Corporation. But I quickly start hating that shit. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Being nice is fucking exhausting.

I spend the rest of the night getting drunk and trying to get in touch with some old friends… I confess, I’m feeling lonely.

One ex-roommate went on to earn multiple Master’s and even a PhD in something like Education Psychology. He reminds me of Weiki. He’s found a nice little cage. With clocks, and rules, and fancy words. But what does all this shit really have to do with anything? It’s like… non alcoholic beer. This isn’t living.

Nope. I guess no one wants to chat. They also say alcoholism is a disease of loneliness. And they have MEETINGS so you can make friends… But all these people just bore and annoy me. Why don’t you go out and finish drinking. They say. Go out, and do some experimenting. If you’re not done, this ain’t for you. this… Fellowship.

I wasn’t there… I don’t know.

I wasn’t there! I don’t know!

But I guess I believe you.

Last Updated May 16, 2023

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