babies, books, creativity, love, relationships, school, writing

Good in small doses… and other stories, perhaps?

So I am thinking of applying to an exclusive fiction writing program in the fall. I’ve got a few half-baked stories and Essays out there… I do read a lot of crap too, and I think my crap is basically as good as anyone’s crap. Over the past few days I was working on this one story. My rule for short fiction is.. Write it.. then give it a week. if it still makes you laugh, it’s not bad. That’s my theory. I hope I can come up with something else that’s new this summer.. but don’t get your hopes up. This theme of a depressed man reconnecting with a long lost child has been used before, I am sure, but I hope I’m giving it a good twist of my own… – Dmitry Dyatlov, 2025.

Waiting in the therapist’s office, I had some time to reflect on what went on this spring… in Ohio.

I almost became a father. Of course, the best time to find out you’re a father is just before you kill yourself.

I believe that you’ve got to have some kind of moral compass or, rather, a guiding philosophy in life. Mine has always been, everything is good in Small doses. I’m a pharmacist. At least, I used to be. I guess that’s where it comes from. I moved up to Atlanta after I got my degree.

Holly got my current number from a mutual college friend and called at the strangest moment. I was preparing to mix a nice little cocktail of pharmaceuticals to permanently relieve me of the pain of.. Life. And out of nowhere.. Holly.

I guess you could say I got exactly what I always wanted at 34. I got married, and divorced. and I still got to keep the Land Rover. Used. Not too used. Life’s good, isn’t it? However, most days I still felt like I was doing a jail sentence.

Opioids. I was beginning to like them too, and I knew that if at some point, someone at that place ever figured out how to count, well, we would have to have a very uncomfortable conversation. I can’t exactly put my finger on it, but something about the scripts seemed more and more suspicious the last few years. All these drugs, it just can’t be healthy. I didn’t want to annoy the Boss with every little inconsistency.
“Just give ’em the pills, you’re not a doctor.”

That’s right. I don’t make the rules.. I just work here. Anyway, after a few years of this, the pesky conscience did begin to hit the brakes on me. I just had to get out. Possibly, I could come back, but right now, I really had to leave. A family member was in desperate need of help, I said, in Ohio! And so I got my month off. And, by some miracle, I did have to go to Ohio, after all.

I suppose I just lost the sense that I was really helping anyone there, you know?

Getting married was something I always wanted to do and at the time it seemed acceptable. This was years before Holly’s little intervention, remember. She seemed acceptable. The wife. I met a Brazilian nurse who drank a little too much. Honeymoon was fantastic. But, you know how it is. Couple years go by, a few extra pounds. Then there was the time her mom went off medication. She would call us 3 times a day for a month. She’d get locked out, or she really thought that someone was hiding in her closets. Oh, and finally, the cheating. You know what happens when you marry a cute little nurse, don’t you? She’s gonna try to trade you in for a doctor… probably sooner rather than later. C’est la vie. She said… she said she just got bored and it meant nothing. Just move on. And so we did… Move on. Separately.

She just GREW UP, you see? Nothing makes me want to die as much as people telling other adult people to GROW UP. Would you like to see my birth certificate? Or my college diploma? I suppose they have a point. I seem to be the only one who gets stuck in the past, trying to invent a time machine… why can’t I just move along? Why does every little fling have to be so special?

In the 90s, my small Florida college was a bit like… a sexual wine tasting. I didn’t have to worry about money at the time. I ran the mile pretty fast. Solid scholarship. Track was cool, at this school, apparently. The female entourage on weekends was actually impressive. And once in a while they let you fool around with the snatch. Everyone has to tell you their pedigree before copulation. Well I am Polish-Italian, or German-Irish, or just a Jew… I think I met at least 7 different kinds of Asian and I still can’t tell them all apart. Was there a Latina in there somewhere? I believe there was… we didn’t get very far. Catholic… she says. Virgin. I guess I wasn’t sleeping with the girls I really wanted, but at least I was sleeping, with people, once in a while. I suppose I got enough sex to not have to hate women forever. We should all be so lucky.

Speaking of hating women. That’s kind of how Holly and I met. There was this one Sociology class senior year led by a fervent anti-Misogynist named G. Wallace. Typical academic. Some kind of fancy, flamboyant jacket, large glasses, ponytail. A tad more body fat than optimal, I am sure. I remember one day when some fool asked him point blank why women always seem so capricious. Wallace told him the facts… the truth. Look, girls have a short time horizon, and a huge potential investment from sex. You, my friend, can still fuck around till, oh 45 or even 50 maybe and then still get your shit together, find a feeble-minded Doe outside some therapist’s office, and make babies. You see what I’m saying? We were assigned to groups for a project. It was me, Holly, and a far less attractive female specimen. The three of us would get coffee once in a while.

So, a few months back, mid-March, I guess, Holly called and said she wanted to catch up. I said this is great timing, as I had a vacation coming up. What a strange coincidence, huh?

I did go up to Ohio, not too far from Columbus was where she lived. And here it is. Here she is. The female child that’s about to give life meaning. Holly seemed so certain that it was me. That it was Mine. I guess I do remember that night in ’97. Sort of. Classes were done. We had a few days before graduation. After checking out some dives (bars) in that Florida town, we expressed mutual interest. We did exchange numbers, but never really kept in touch. I had Grad school and she had to fulfill some kind of missionary commitment… for her church. They shipped her off to Peru, or Bolivia, or one of these places.

“May I ask why you thought this would be such a great time for us to get acquainted?”

And she says her parents died. A week apart. Around Christmas.

“and what exactly does she know about me?”

That you were deported.

Alright, fair enough. I guess I’d buy that, if I were 12. Would I stoop so low as to order the customary DNA test? You know, at some point I probably will. But we’ll see how this goes first. There’s no rush. Why not at least entertain the idea? The eyes… Yes, they could be my eyes. Very pretty.

Their suburban place was big and everyone felt it was appropriate for me to stay with the newfound family. Mary, Holly, and I. After a couple days I decided to start dispensing fatherly advice.

“So what is going on with you, kid?”

Lots of people said that Michael likes me, but when I gave him a “Valentine” last month he told me to jump off a cliff.

Well, I suppose that happens sometimes. People actually love feeling sorry for themselves, you know? They call it a Secondary payoff, I think. You don’t get what you really want, but it’s almost like… like a Silver medal, I guess. You get to Sulk all day, and there’s no fear of loss. Imagine… just imagine having absolutely nothing to complain about. We would die of boredom. Maybe his ‘loving’ parents have horrible fights. So that’s what he’s been associating with attraction. Who knows what’s really going on with this Mike kid. Let me tell you this. Give it a year, and if you still like the kid, give him a Psychology book next year. Something by BERNE, Eric. I think he might appreciate it.

Later that week, I found one of those Bumper car places in Columbus… it’s the stupidest thing in the world, but I always wanted to take my kids to a Bumper car attraction. And then Ice cream.

So the pharmacy job was still an option, and I could put in for a transfer to Ohio, I guess. I still had a few days to make up my mind about what to tell these people.

Toward the end of April, Holly said we had to meet another friend.

Holly and I went to a diner nearby. Well, what a surprise. It’s the old Professor. G. Wallace. Explanation? After getting sober, this sneaky asshole also got a divorce… then got hired by Ohio State after Florida. Said he had to track down an old flame for an AMENDS, you see? Of course, he and I were quite surprised to see each other.

Yes, it’s certainly not Okay to sleep with students. It says so in every university manual, I am sure. But this complicates our situation now, doesn’t it? What exactly was the timeline of Holly’s shameful liaisons?

One might ask why Holly didn’t do the test herself. The DNA test. And I suppose, the only plausible explanation is she believed her own Bullshit. She repressed the particulars of those last few stressful weeks of college, maybe drank a little too much. I suppose I must have made a better impression. Who really wants to remember screwing some Icky 45-year old professor, with a ponytail? She said they ran into each other at some kind of concert.

Soon enough, we had the final verdict. I am Not the daddy, after all.

It was all very nice, and now it’s kind of nice that it’s all over. Mary is still the child of someone that I maybe used to love, and I suppose that’s good enough. We can all be Friends, I guess. I gave her some money and a birthday card with that John Lennon quote – If you can’t be happy, then you don’t know anything about life… something like that. I told her to start jogging and think more about Jesus.

The aging academic said he’ll gladly take over relevant duties. And I said I prefer the South anyway.

What else can I say about kids? I just know that if I say too much, they will blame me for everything.

And remember, everything is good in small doses. Especially family.

books, life, love, relationships, solitude, writing

IF THERE WAS A TEST, I MUST HAVE FAILED IT.

If there’s delight in love, ‘Tis when I see that heart, which others bleed for, bleed for me – William Congreve

I took a certain pride in knowing I’d helped ruin his life enough to give him something substantial to write about – Mick Jagger

I started thinking.. the other day about whether or not I actually broke any hearts, really? If I can find like 3, then maybe I’d be happy. hehehe. Pretty fucked up, isn’t it? Is this a diagnosable condition?? Did anyone actually Want to go to prom, with me? Or.. or maybe that Megan girl I roomed with for a few weeks in Chicago. I think maybe Megan liked me. maybe not. She looked pretty frail.. but I do hope she’s alive.. somewhere..

Maybe it was just the one girl.. in Russia.. who wanted to marry me when we were 10 or 11.

I keep discovering writers who killed themselves in their 40s.. or drank themselves to death, which is arguably the same thing.. so.. even THAT is not original. You begin to wonder.. around this time, I suppose.. will there ever be a second act? Another chapter in this crazy life. they had that plane and black hawk crash at Reagan the other day. No survivors. It’s not always so dramatic.. but it begins to dawn on you that.. this.. All this will soon be over, and maybe you won’t even see it coming. And if you see it coming.. yeah, I suppose I’d rather see it coming. There must be.. a date.. in the Akashic field (Ervin Laszlo, Edgar Cayce) or whatever the hell that is. Look it up. it’s interesting stuff.. this Akashic business.

I think it’s another common theme in Alcoholics anonymous. IF YOU LIKE ME, THEN I’LL DESPISE YOU.. right? Pretty fucked, I guess. I think I heard something like that before..

I think there’s another game called Stump your Therapist. I’m pretty good at this game. That’s where I came up with – MY QUALITY OF LIFE DOESN’T JUSTIFY THE EFFORT REQUIRED TO COPE WITH IT.

Pretty good, eh? Or.. my Higher power doesn’t want me to get a shitty job in addition to being a miracle.

Or, Why don’t you make me Care about Life again? It’s your job, not mine. You’re the EXPERT.

So, anyway, Still looking for a prestigious publisher for my Autobiography. I think we’ll call it – IF THERE WAS A TEST, I MUST HAVE FAILED IT.

another one is – IF YOUR LIFE IS A LIVING HELL, THEN WHY DO YOU WANT MORE OF IT??

You know.. good things do happen, sometimes. I really did find a backpack with $52 dollars around this time last year. That was nice. But I still didn’t get the stimulus. what do I really want? I think I just want to drive one of those streetcars in New Orleans. that’s what I want.

this.. I think this is called “Secondary gain” in the business –

Victimhood
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deaths of despair.

Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together – Petrarch

By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be – Irvine Welsh

no, not depressed today. Actually, I am probably a little Manic. thats why.. that’s why I’m in a writing Mood I guess. But.. couple days ago I was watching a little talk by Niall Ferguson on the subject. We’ll come back to that…

You know one thing I really am grateful for.. is my Memory. Some people say that’s why Hemingway Off’ed himself. He saw he lost the magic. Electroshock fucked something up. Once in a while, I think I still have THE MAGIC. uh… I’ll come back to that also.. Maybe today. Maybe Not.

Four years ago I posted on Facebook, hey look, I made it to 33 and I am still alive. I Outlived Jesus of Nazareth. And Now I got 4 more years. Nothing much has changed.. but.. hey, I guess most people think it’s better to be alive than the alternative.

I did. I did try to contact “Poverty Solutions.” Because in AA they tell me to ASK FOR HELP. So I did. I found the Appropriate resource, and I Asked for Help. Yep.

For some reason these idiots referred me to the Police department, Again. And I want THE WORLD to see this. I want Someone to explain to me WHAT THE FUCK is going on. WHY are these scumbags avoiding responsibility? Why do you believe that a 36 year old male with 39 cents in his bank account, Living with Mom Does NOT qualify for your help. You’re the University of Michigan. You say you’re Solving poverty. I want you to Grow the HELL up and DO what you say you’re qualified to be doing. Just Grow up!

This isn’t funny anymore. I am really not making a joke here. Someone has to GROW THE HELL UP.

This morning in the shower what I really wanted to write about was.. sex or Self pity. Which would you rather have? Of course you need to have had both to make an Informed decision. And you know what. you know what.. I think I’m leaning toward Self-pity. What is it now? 28 years left. till I get that Social security check. If they don’t solve my poverty Sooner. Fine. you know what. FUCKING FINE! I can wait 28 years. I keep getting better at waiting. I’ll ride this horse all the way to Retirement!

It’s not like I haven’t tried other things. I got this guy’s book. D. D. Burns. And I can’t get through the fucking chapter on Motivation. He’s supposed to be as good as they come. Fucking Amherst, UPenn, Stanford. Holy shit. I even said I’ll work for him. he needed a test driver for his Ai therapist I think, but I assume the position has been filled. Oh well.

My real therapist, currently, sometimes talks about REALITY. Reality? You know what that makes me think of? That makes me think of Freight trains. That’s as real as it gets, buddy. If you don’t get out the way of That thing, game over. Reality. Fucking asshole. No. I’m really not depressed today. this is not a “Gesture”

I just want him to get a little more specific, that’s all. If by reality you mean you want me to get a shit job, for shit money, and do all this while I’m SOBER, Well you can go Fuck yourself. Reality. THAT is why I think of Freight trains.

Yeah, I used to think girls were real special. Like most young men.. I thought.. I thought if one day I would actually make love to a really beautiful woman, things would change.. dramatically. Something Fantastic, and Magical would happen. Have I done it yet? Heh, I’m not sure. I guess eventually I made up in quantity.

You have to define success and be happy when you get it!

That’s it. That’s my little therapy tip. Original? I think so.

You know if I did have.. a Magic wand.. a time machine, I wouldn’t even go back to 2009. Because if I could have a do-over with Roxi.. well.. well then I wouldn’t have Any Self-pity!! Why would I give THAT up? HAHAHAHAHA.

But I Would go back to… 2010. Because that’s when I met M. no wait.. maybe it was 2011 already. Anyway. It was that Winter. I believe it was pretty cold. She broke up with BOYFRIEND. She was in town for training, a week? and Oh God She was something. We were, what? 23 and 25 I guess. I thought it was perfect.. MEANT to be. mm.. I know her name.. I know where she went to school.. but you know what.. she met my friend.. Rafferty. They seemed to get along.. Rafferty is dead by the way.. I am pretty sure. Suicide probably. For other reasons. Anyway. I was jealous.. of course.. and I believe the Bro Code says, I SAW IT FIRST, so its supposed to be mine. I went back.. grabbed my bag from her hotel room that I strategically placed earlier (sneaky), and I just had to leave. I think we started off well, but my drunken self was eventually creeping her out. She said maybe tomorrow.. hehe. No. I stayed away from the Crowne Plaza that week. Maybe she found Raff again. Who knows. I am sure if I DID have a time machine.. I could make that night work, eventually. But.. I don’t know. I don’t seem to meet spectacular women anymore. Maybe it’s because I’m not that hungry. Maybe it’s just impossible.. to make it work. Maybe I’m too addicted to Self pity.. No going back.. no going back they say.

Memory. yes. when we run out of booze, we feed on memories. I think it’s not a bad way to live.

books, communication, language, relationships, take it easy, work

Part III

Wrapping this up, I guess. Also, Something fun for election season!. Part 2 was somewhat popular. 6 likes from people. I was humble enough to include myself in this last list.. heh. Thanks! I want to say I’m at a good stopping point.. but we haven’t reached 360 yet, have we? You know.. these past 10 years, I tried a lot.. and hard to find something else to do.. but.. of all the things.. this isn’t bad, is it? Collecting quotations. See, with enough good ideas.. I get to poke holes in most of the bullshit people try to baffle me with. You want me to get a job? Really? You really want me to be EMPLOYABLE? Well, you know that will cost a lot of money. Life’s short.. and I’m expensive. Because I have self esteem. that’s right. I dont give a fuck about the MARKET. it doesn’t work. the fucking market doesn’t work. I checked all the boxes…… No. I guess not. But I checked enough boxes. heh. Going down to New Orleans last year was great. I logged something like 900 miles running this year. This shit’s getting boring also. I don’t know. I don’t see any Good ideas. but that’s no reason to surrender to… coloring spreadsheets.. or buildings sandcastles.. or some such nonsense. Remember.. every few years.. 40.. 50.. 60.. 70… we all get a little bit dumber. There’s no going back.. hehe.. they say. If I ever make it that far.. well, I’ll always need this arsenal of Wisdom to make a good impression.

  1. We are never so much disposed to quarrel with others as when we are dissatisfied with ourselves. William Hazlitt
  2. When we forgive, the slave we free is ourselves – Edward Hallowell
  3. Men to whom God is dead worship one another – Harry Crews
  4. I can’t believe what you say, because I see what you do. – James Baldwin
  5. I have never voted in my life… I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it’s certain they will win – Louis-Ferdinand Celine…
  6. If only we could see in advance all the harm that can come from the good we think we are doing. – Pirandello
  7. This cultural Left thinks more about stigma than about money, more about deep and hidden psychosexual motivations than about shallow and evident greed. – Richard Rorty
  8. The essence of immorality is the tendency to make an exception of myself – Jane Addams
  9. The ground for taking ignorance to be restrictive of freedom is that it causes people to make choices which they would not have made if they had seen what the realization of their choices involved. – AJ Ayer
  10. The most pathetic person in the world is some one who has sight but no vision – Hellen Keller
  11. what we call rational grounds for our beliefs are often extremely irrational attempts to justify our instincts – Thomas Henry Huxley
  12. Moral courage is the most valuable and usually the most absent characteristic in men – George Patton
  13. The toughest bullshit to cut through, is one’s own – Joseph Galloway
  14. You can only solve what you have the courage to see – Dylan Ratigan
  15. Certain experiences you can’t survive, and afterward you don’t fully exist, even if you failed to die – Nic Pizzolatto.
  16. I was raised the old-fashioned way, with a stern set of moral principles: Never lie, cheat, steal or knowingly spread a venereal disease – Barbara Ehrenreich
  17. Humanity does not ask us to be happy. It merely asks us to be brilliant on its behalf – Orson Scott Card
  18. Do not mourn the dead. They know what they are doing – Clarice Lispector
  19. You need to find a way to live your life, that it doesn’t make a mockery of your values – Bill Ayers
  20. No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible – Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
  21. The reality isn’t important: what’s important is your belief, and believing the lie is the only way to avoid a waking coma. Civilization now depends on self-deception. Perhaps it always has. Ted Chiang.
  22. There are two spiritual dangers in not owning a farm. One is the danger of supposing that breakfast comes from the grocery, and the other that heat comes from the furnace – Aldo Leopold
  23. I despise the cowardly clinging to life, purely for the sake of life, that seems so deeply ingrained in the American temperament – Christopher Lasch.
  24. Liberty is not the power of doing what we like, but the right of being able to do what we ought. – Lord Acton
  25. the human mind does not run on logic any more than a horse runs on petrol – Rory Sutherland.
  26. It’s discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit Noel Coward
  27. What I’d like is to meet a man I could take off my hat to and say: “Thank you for having got born, and the longer you live the better – Maxim Gorky.
  28. The idea that freedom is merely the ability to act upon one’s whims is surely very thin and hardly begins to capture the complexities of human existence; a man whose appetite is his law strikes us not as liberated but enslaved . Theodore Dalrymple.
  29. If truth is what you seek, then the examined life will only take you on a long ride to the limits of solitude and leave you by the side of the road with your truth and nothing else – Thomas Ligotti
  30. Self pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality – John Gardner
  31. Yes, one can take a handful of crisp one dollar bills and practically water your mouth over it, but this is a kind of person who is confused like a Pavlov dog, who salivates on the wrong bell… – Alan Watts.
  32. One good teacher in a lifetime may sometimes change a delinquent into a solid citizen – Philip Wylie
  33. Logic can be met with logic, while illogic cannot—it confuses those who think straight. The Big Lie and monotonously repeated nonsense have more emotional appeal in a cold war than logic and reason. – Joost Meerloo
  34. Every age has its massive moral blind spots. We might not see them, but our children will. – Bono
  35. Choice implies consciousness – a high degree of consciousness. Without it, you have no choice – Eckhart Tolle
  36. Every society produces its own cultural conceits, a set of lies and delusions about itself that thrive in the face of all contrary evidence – Jack Weatherford
  37. Within groups selfish individuals beat altruistic individuals, but groups of altruists beat groups of selfish individuals. Or, risking oversimplification, individual selection promoted sin, while group selection promoted virtue – EO Wilson.
  38. Most therapy programs do little more than provide psychopaths with new excuses and rationalizations for their behavior and new insights into human vulnerability… – Robert Hare
  39. The takeaway from all these observations is that our species seems, somehow, to derive more benefit from speaking than from listening – Kevin Simler
  40. Law is neither a divine revelation nor a scientific discovery. It is a wholly human creation that includes the contribution of those who claim to study it and who cannot remain blind to the values implied by their interpretations … Alain Supiot
  41. While economics is about how people make choice, sociology is about how they don’t have any choice to make. – Bertrand Russell
  42. Playing a game is the voluntary attempt to overcome unnecessary obstacles – Bernard Suits
  43. The only real struggle in the history of the world… is between the vested interest and social justice – Arnold Toynbee
  44. Intersectionality? I’m not sure but I think I have it. DMITRY DYATLOV.
  45. History repeats itself because man remains at the same level of being—namely, he attracts again and again the same circumstances, feels the same things, says the same things, hopes the same things, believes the same things – Maurice Nicoll
  46. The history of the twentieth century encourages the thought that the easiest way to generate productivity in a modern society is by nourishing the motives of which I spoke earlier, namely, those of greed and fear. But we should never forget that greed and fear are repugnant motives GA COHEN
  47. Brown University’s Student Services helps students answer the compelling question: “How can I bring sex toys into my relationship?” – Heather Mac Donald
  48. We can’t believe what we believe to be untrue, and we can’t love what we believe to be unreal. – Peter Kreeft
  49. the only people who have proof of their sanity are those who have been discharged from mental institutions – Marshall McLuhan
  50. “In general, we’re least aware of what our minds do best.” Marvin Minsky
  51. Have you ever considered the possibility, said Rumfoord, “that everything went absolutely right?” – Kurt Vonnegut
  52. A country cannot subsist well without liberty, nor liberty without virtue – Daniel Webster
  53. Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message – Malcolm Muggeridge
  54. When people give you advice, they’re really just talking to themselves in the past – Austin Kleon
  55. Both tolerance and respect are empty virtues until we actually understand whatever it is we are supposed to be tolerating or respecting – Stephen Prothero.
  56. Asked to resolve problems in a language that is not their own, people are less likely to depart from standard accounts of rationality – Cass Sunstein
  57. Good God, if our civilization were to sober up for a couple of days, it’d die of remorse on the third – Malcolm Lowry
  58. It’s a very funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get – W Somerset Maugham
  59. You can’t make history all the time, Dougie. Sometimes the best you can do is make money – James Ellroy
  60. This finding or inventing of words for incomprehensible things has nothing to do with understanding. On the contrary, if we could get rid of half of our words perhaps we should have a better chance of a certain understanding. – P.D. Ouspensky
  61. As soon as you concern yourself with the “good” and “bad” of your fellows, you create an opening in your heart for maliciousness to enter. – Morihei Ueshiba
  62. Bad things happen when good people pretend nothing is wrong – Corey Taylor
  63. if your Problem is someone else’s behavior, you go to a program for the solution, because the solution might be to do nothing. Whitney Cummings
  64. All I know is this: nobody’s very big in the first place, and it looks to me like everybody spends their whole life tearing everybody else down – Ken Kesey
  65. a little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation – H H Munro
  66. Most of us have jobs that are too small for our spirits. – Studs Terkel
  67. Freedom for the pike is death for the minnows. – R.H. Tawney
  68. The more I think about language, the more it amazes me that people ever understand each other at all – Kurt Gödel

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PART II.

Well. this is Part 2. So we’re up to.. about 165? another 200 good ones.. will be hard to find. But.. find them we will! Someday… I guess there is a bit of a theme here. A lot of quotes here are mostly about dumping out the Garbage we’ve all been taught. And a little more diversity, I guess.

  1. There are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before – Willa Cather
  2. We all have an old knot in the heart we wish to untie – Michael Ondaatje
  3. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right – Ashleigh Brilliant.
  4. The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults – Peter De Vries
  5. A person may cause evil to others not only by his actions but by his inaction, and in either case he is justly accountable to them for the injury – John S. Mill
  6. Those who teach, must never cease to learn – John Cotton Dana
  7. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it. Clarence Darrow
  8. To find out what one is fitted to do, and to secure an opportunity to do it, is the key to happiness – John Dewey
  9. I guess the only time most people think about injustice is when it happens to them. – Charles Bukowski
  10. Our view of the world is truly shaped by what we decide to hear. – William James
  11. Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. – William James
  12. Humans seldom have created anything of lasting value unless they were tired or hurting. – Jon Huntsman Sr.
  13. Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love; close enough on the surface but, to the non-sucker, not exactly the same thing – Nassim Taleb
  14. The three most harmful addictions are heroin, carbohydrates, and a monthly salary – Nassim Taleb
  15. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power – PJ O’Rourke
  16. The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable – GB Shaw
  17. I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve – Albert Schweitzer
  18. Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. – Bertrand Russell
  19. What gets us into trouble is not what we don’t know. It’s what we know for sure that just ain’t so. – Mark Twain?
  20. All cruelty springs from weakness – Seneca
  21. The number of those who undergo the fatigue of judging for themselves is very small indeed – Richard Brinsley Sheridan
  22. Maturity requires a final accommodation between our aspirations and our limitations – J William Fulbright
  23. We’re a nation of Adult children of alcoholics. We don’t get mad at the people who are inflicting the pain in this country. We get mad at the people who are pointing it out.- Jimmy Dore.
  24. But my lord, when we addressed this issue a few years ago, didn’t you argue the other side?” He said, “That’s true, but when I get more evidence I sometimes change my mind. What do you do? – John Maynard Keynes
  25. It’s amazing how people can change behind closed doors – Susan Forward
  26. it is the essence of morality to meditate on one’s own wrongdoing, to try to find ways to make up for it and to be resolved not to repeat it – Dan Kovalik
  27. The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. WALPOLE?
  28. He suddenly understood the message of so many spiritual teachers that the only revolution that can work is the inner transformation of every human being – Stanislav Grof
  29. We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented – Andrew Niccol
  30. Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes – William GIBSON
  31. To say nothing, especially when speaking, is half the art of diplomacy. – Will Durant
  32. If you keep telling the same sad small story, you will keep loving the same sad small life.- Jean Houston
  33. The highest reward for a man’s toil is not what he gets for it but what he becomes by it – John Ruskin
  34. There is never anything to change but our own perspective – Karen Casey
  35. We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth we find bitter -Denis Diderot
  36. It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything – Chuck Palahniuk
  37. You measure democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists. – Abbie Hoffman
  38. Action isn’t my forte. I’m an expert on contemplation and mild regret. – R. SHECKLEY
  39. All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. – James Thurber
  40. The greatest ownership of all is to glance around and understand. – William Stafford
  41. What we do not understand we have no right to judge – Henri-Frederic Amiel.
  42. Ask yourself this question: ‘Will this matter a year from now? – Richard Carlson
  43. A problem well stated is a problem half solved. – Charles Kettering.
  44. “If the misery of the poor be caused not by the laws of nature, but by our institutions, great is our sin.” – Charles Darwin
  45. The essence of strategy is choosing what not to do. – Michael Porter
  46. “Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate, or despise, serves to defeat us in the end.” – Henry Miller
  47. No one learns as much about a subject as one who is forced to teach it. – Peter Drucker
  48. The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible — and achieve it, generation after generation. – Pearl Buck
  49. Clear thinking requires courage rather than intelligence. – Thomas Szasz
  50. Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is. – Thomas Szasz
  51. Back home there was no freedom, but there were readers. Here there was freedom enough, but readers were missing – Sergei Dovlatov
  52. Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don’t you think? – Frank Baum
  53. The greatest evil that one has to fight constantly, every minute of the day until one dies, is the worst part of oneself – Patrick McGoohan
  54. In most of our human relationships, we spend much of our time reassuring one another that our costumes of identity are on straight. – Ram Dass
  55. Anxiety, trauma and crisis are necessary catalysts to stimulate self-consciousness. – Rollo Tomassi
  56. Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together. – Petrarch
  57. You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from. – Cormac McCarthy
  58. “Think of denial as an acronym for Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying” – Debbie Ford.
  59. “The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” – Charles Bukowski
  60. Don’t give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass.. – Ellen DeGeneres
  61. although freedom of speech constitutes an important victory in the battle against old restraints, modern man is in a position where much of what “he” thinks and says are the things that everybody else thinks and says; that he has not acquired the ability to think originally – that is, for himself – which alone gives meaning to his claim that nobody can interfere with the expression of his thoughts – Erich Fromm
  62. America’s always been a great place to be crazy. It just used to be harder to make a living that way – Charles P Pierce
  63. A classic is a book that has never finished saying what it has to say – Italo Calvino
  64. Happiness is not easy to find. It’s very difficult to find it in yourself — and impossible to find anywhere else… (Found this attributed to at least 3 different authors.. so let’s just say UNKNOWN)
  65. Natural selection favors the forces of psychological denial – GARRETT HARDIN
  66. When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said “Let us pray.” We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. – Desmond Tutu
  67. People want an authority to tell them how to value things, but they choose this authority not based on facts or results – Michael Burry (movie, Big Short)
  68. A man with a conviction is a hard man to change. Tell him you disagree and he turns away. Show him facts or figures and he questions your sources. Appeal to logic and he fails to see your point. -Leon Festinger
  69. Every man dies, not every man truly lives. – Sonny Barger
  70. Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any. – John Callahan
  71. “He was old and wise, which meant tired and disappointed…” TE Lawrence.
  72. The first duty of a man is to think for himself – Jose Marti
  73. Through money, democracy becomes its own destroyer, after money has destroyed intellect. – Oswald Spengler
  74. An educated person is one who has learned that information almost always turns out to be at best incomplete and very often false, misleading, fictitious, mendacious – just dead wrong. – Russell Baker
  75. Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help. – Alex Haley.
  76. If people cannot rise to the level of applying to ourselves the same standards we apply to others they have no right to talk about right and wrong. – Noam Chomsky
  77. I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally. – Bill Maher
  78. Ninety-five percent of the beliefs we have stored in our minds are nothing but lies, and we suffer because we believe all these lies – Don Miguel Ruiz
  79. Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one’s luck – Iris Murdoch
  80. The worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal – Aristotle.
  81. The duty of youth is to challenge corruption. – Kurt Cobain
  82. The more things change, the more they are the same – Alphonse Karr
  83. ….
books, life, relationships, school, society, solitude, writing

Time flies….

So Philip Zimbardo died earlier this month. I also had sort of a near death experience.. if you follow my other publication.. well maybe you know. Seemed like a trap. really seemed like some kind of trap to me. Thought I’d catch a ride on a freight train.. always wanted to do it. anyway. you probably want to JUMP OFF the thing maybe before it starts goin over 20 miles per hour or so. it won’t be a soft landing…..

I do.. I really do have to get going on finishing up this little project. My work.. no, Hobby the past 10 years has been the collecting of quotes.. and Im up to 3230 so far. And I suppose it is time to pare down the list to just the ones.. I really cannot live without. Let’s say Elon Musk figures out how to augment your brain and working memory and stuff.. and really makes us all.. Wiser? let’s say it works out. and I wake up in the morning. And I want to download a list of things TO REMEMBER. every single day. let’s say it’s a list of 365 little reminders.. then I suppose this would be my list. You might have seen these little meditation books that are popular with people who Used to use drugs.. or Christians.. both. anyway.

If you’ve got Strong ties to Hazelden publishing, maybe put in a good word?

I decided to give myself an Education I missed out on.. when I was busy boozing at UM. Didn’t even get laid. Fucking unbelievable. I don’t know how they get away with this shit.

I thought I had KILLER title when I first tried doing this a few years ago. but.. the list grew. this’ll probably be published in 3 parts.. 120 – 120 & 125. perhaps I’ll shuffle them around a bit later. I do realize this first one here is quite a bit biased toward Male authors.. all I can say is.. I sort for powerful ideas.. that resonate (with me). But.. I know. I know I’ll try to add some Diversity later… I think I’ll limit each author to 3 appearances.

So, here it is. Have another drink from my.. Fire Hydrant. heh.

The fact that you have unlimited texts does not necessarily mean that you cannot stop talking: Meditations for recovery from the compulsive behavior of your choice.

  1. If you put good apples into a bad situation, you’ll get bad apples – ZIMBARDO
  2. A sane person to an insane society must appear insane – Kurt Vonnegut
  3. I don’t want my past to become anyone else’s future – Elie Wiesel
  4. A conscience is that still small voice that people won’t listen to – Carlo Collodi
  5. It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society – Krishnamurti
  6. The most effective way to destroy people is to deny and obliterate their own understanding of their history – Orwell
  7. Every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it – Orwell
  8. I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion’ – Muhammad Ali
  9. Love is giving something you don’t have to someone who doesn’t want it – J. Lacan
  10. Apparently I lack some particular perversion which today’s employer is seeking – John Kennedy Toole.
  11. You could tell by the way he talked, though, that he had gone to school a long time. That was probably what was wrong with him – John Kennedy Toole
  12. If reason ruled the world would history even exist? – R. Kapuscinski
  13. How many things have been denied one day, only to become realities the next – Jules Verne
  14. Never attribute to malevolence what is merely due to incompetence – Arthur Clarke?
  15. If you can’t state your position in eight words, you don’t have a position – Seth Godin
  16. Healthy children will not fear life if their elders have integrity enough not to fear death – Erik Erikson
  17. Being busy is a form of laziness – lazy thinking and indiscriminate action – Tim Ferriss
  18. Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it – JK Rowling
  19. A person you excuse from any genuine challenge is a person you do not truly respect – John McWhorter
  20. Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact – George Eliot
  21. To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive – Robert L Stevenson
  22. Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose – Eckhart Tolle
  23. It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living – Eckhart Tolle
  24. He who goes about to reform the world must begin with himself, or he loses his labor – St. Ignatius
  25. For if you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners to be corrupted from their infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded from this, but that you first make thieves and then punish them – St. Thomas More
  26. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts – Will Rogers
  27. The map is not the territory – Alfred Korzybski
  28. Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away – Philip K Dick
  29. A desk is a dangerous place from which to watch the world – David Cornwell (le Carre…)
  30. I never think that I am the one who must see to it that cherries grow on stalks – Carl Jung
  31. One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple – Jack Kerouac
  32. Absence of Evidence is not Evidence of Absence – Carl Sagan
  33. It is an ironic habit of human beings to run faster when they have lost their way – ROLLO MAY
  34. Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something – Robert Heinlein
  35. You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with – Jim Rohn
  36. sooner or later she had to give up the hope for a better past – Irvin Yalom
  37. Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe – HG Wells
  38. What really matters is what you do with what you have – HG Wells
  39. When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice – Andre Gide (or Saul bellow… hehe, I gotta look this one up again)
  40. The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself – Bernard Malamud
  41. All of us are prisoners, to one degree or another, of our experience – Gary Hamel
  42. We have, as human beings, a storytelling problem. We’re a bit too quick to come up with explanations for things we don’t really have an explanation for – Malcolm Gladwell
  43. The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men – Plato

44.. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools – Herbert Spencer (that reminds me of something…..)

45. Never complain of that of which it is at all times in your power to rid yourself – Adam Smith

46. There seems to be some perverse human characteristic that likes to make easy things difficult – Warren Buffett

47. No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true – Nathaniel Hawthorne

48. No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man – Heraclitus

49. Science cannot solve the ultimate mystery of nature. And that is because, in the last analysis, we ourselves are a part of the mystery that we are trying to solve – Max Planck

50. If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants – Isaac Newton

51. Integrity has no need of rules – Albert Camus

52. He who loves the more is the inferior and must suffer – Thomas Mann

53. To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment – Emerson

54. Prejudices are what fools use for reason – Voltaire

55. ..our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers – M. Scott Peck

56. To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible – Aquinas

57. None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free – Goethe

58. It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness – Tolstoy

59. We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light – Plato??

60. To find fault is easy; to do better may be difficult – Plutarch

61. To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail – Maslow

62. If the essential core of the person is denied or suppressed, he gets sick sometimes in obvious ways, sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes immediately, sometimes later – Maslow

63. We’re developing a new citizenry. One that will be very selective about cereals and automobiles, but won’t be able to think – Rod Serling

64. One of the advantages of being disorganized is that one is always having surprising discoveries – AA Milne

65. Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important – Stephen Covey

66. All language is but a poor translation – Kafka

67. Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate – Carl Jung

68. We are not rich by what we possess but by what we can do without – Kant

69. It is very difficult also to sacrifice one’s suffering. A man will renounce any pleasures you like but he will not give up his suffering – GI Gurdjieff

70. My destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing – Proust

71. No matter how thin you slice it, there will always be two sides – Spinoza?

72. It’s necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live – Dumas

73. If the Martians ever find out how human beings think, they’ll kill themselves laughing – ALBERT ELLIS

74. Humility is the awareness that there’s a lot you don’t know and that a lot of what you think you know is distorted or wrong – David Brooks

75. The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere – Anne Lindbergh

76. Beauty fades, dumb is forever – Judge Judy

77. Non nobis solum nati sumus (I think that’s something about Selfishness..) – Cicero

78. The more we love someone, the less we flatter them; it is by excusing nothing that true love shows itself – Moliere

And that’s about it for today. Uh. Yeah, a little short of my goal. But. We’ll see. We’ll see if I can come up with another 290 meaningful quotations from the Master list… Left some question marks when I was unsure about authorship… That might be a challenge if we want to get it all right.

To be Continued.

365… There are only two ways of telling the complete truth–anonymously and posthumously – Thomas Sowell.

babies, communication, environment, life, love, money, relationships, school, solitude, take it easy, work

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

And if there is one sure sign in Hegel’s philosophy that history isn’t over, of course it’s a war. Because there are embodied people in struggle with different views about what freedom is and how to live. RICK RODERICK

well. I guess today I was inspired by a recent publication on Augustine of Hippo (Linked below) to add some more words about my own sad, little life.

I began to pray. what did I pray? I prayed. GOD is there anything left for me to do.. on God’s green earth?

I guess I was a little suicidal. But. I prayed.

God.. God usually tells me to Lie a little less. or never.

You know.. Ma.. ma never lets me down.. I guess.. Ma knows I fucked her like no man ever could. Right? hehehehehe..

Sorry. maybe that’s a little too much. Ma always likes to say Oh we’re just little people from the middle of nowhere.. some little village in Russia or Belarus or Ukraine or some shit.

And I think she sincerely believes it.. Humility is a virtue!

But she knows very well that her parents were Military officers who worked abroad who definitely had some power in the ol’ Soviet system at least. and that’s why they got to reproduce so quickly.. and I had nice bikes and Camels.. where’s the fucking camel? There’s a picture of the camel somewhere.. well. you know.

What is it that drove these people.. my parents to Jump Ship in 1998 and move to America.. perhaps we’ll never know. I think they were just running.. running away from shit. Instead of confronting it. Russia was nice. I had a girlfriend in Russia… when I was.. 10.

Well. they’re employable. I’m not.. apparently. I just write shit on the internet. I donate plasma and get 50 bucks for drink. Hey, that’s not bad pay for not doing shit for an hour. I still try to get some runs in. Still running. Marathons.

Oh, wait. yes. I fell in love. I did fall in love once. and that’s what I get.. from the object of my affection. Shit, I still can’t believe it.. maybe it’s just a California thing? no.. No I think this still makes sense to some people.. here… in Michigan. Just read.

So. by the time you’re 27 you’re up to 4 boyfriends that you cheated on.. and I still didn’t get that pussy. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh. Oh Lord.. what do you want me to do? or say…

What? What do you say to something like that? Except maybe drink yourself to death.. hehehe.

What? No. no no no no no. You’re not gonna make me do shit. People. you see.. PEOPLE used to do things for a reason. The reason usually was you’re trying to start a family.. or something. right? How do you do that.. these days? In this environment… I respect your honesty.. but JESUS.. YOU know. JESUS. what do you say to something like that?

God.. Is there ANYTHING left for me to do.. on this earth.. today..? You just sit back.. Enjoy the show.. I guess?

books, news, religion, school, solitude, writing

Harvey Dent.

Men to whom God is dead worship one another. Harry Crews

Any plan conceived in moderation must fail when the circumstances are set in extremes. – Metternich

what we call rational grounds for our beliefs are often extremely irrational attempts to justify our instincts – Thomas Huxley.

Well. how do we begin. I guess I began to seek a God when I finally realized how weak men really are.

There’s a quote for ya. Did I come up with that? hehe.

It used to be WWJD? right? now… now it’s all about AI. I don’t want to think and I never was very good at it anyway. Is there anyone out there?

Let me just ask Google.. or something. How did that Jesus fellow make out anyway? Not so great, right?

HOW’S THAT FUCKING WORKIN FOR YA?? hehe. that’s what.. the Sponsor says. sometimes. After he tries to tell you things.. about Jesus.

We all have little cracks, don’t we? Apply enough pressure.. at the right time. and 98 percent of these fuckers break. Sometimes.. sometimes I guess you get a diamond, maybe. But more often than not.. we just shit our pants. Fail.

I noticed even my father always needs some Dude to look up to. For a while it was Grant Cardone.. then he became a Trump fan. hehe. Likes real estate. No, it never hurts to get a little education, I guess. Are we really going to try this again? hehe. drain the swamp.. and so on.

And we had that one teacher… Family man. Got tricked by one of those Paedophile traps on the internet. It’s sad, but it’s also one of the funniest things in my life so far. The man taught EPISTEMOLOGY of all things. You know what that is, don’t you? I thought something like that should make one a Skeptic.. especially of all the things we read.. on the internet.

Bruce Willis. yep. that’s the guy. that’s the guy I want to get a beer with. Man, I keep thinking I got a real book in me. but.. but I dunno. Days go by.. maybe I’m just meant to be a real good Quotes collector.

Yep. I look. I look at my life and I honestly can’t think of anything Horrible I did.. to anyone, really. Did I? I don’t think I did. But then.. why.. why the fuck am I bored out of my mind all day. There’s fucking nothing to do. Why don’t they just give me some money. I’m such a great fucking guy.

For they are human too…

democracy, money, news, relationships, school, take it easy, war

5500

so. it is a milestone year. 15 years since college. 5500 days or so.

Looks like… looks like I did get an invite to some kind of reunion at that place where they served Bacon wrapped scallops once. Mmmm… Undercommit and overdeliver, right? I guess I should make an appearance.

Time to pause and reflect. I’ve been pausing and reflecting now for many years. Still not sure what I’m supposed to do with myself. and the years ahead…. Texas sociology looks kinda nice. I think I could make a contribution…

https://liberalarts.utexas.edu/sociology/faculty/sb49337

Plus my higher Power Joel Osteen works near there. Texas… might be nice.

yes my views changed.. on life. and stuff. I used to think it’s one of the stupidest things in the world to run a Marathon. Now I’m hoping to do number 5 for me. Everything’s addictive. Even pain and suffering I guess.

what else.. what else can I say. Let’s talk about heartbreak. The most heartbroken person I know (sometimes) is my mother who resents that I never wanted to go into medicine. Oh I got plenty of friends.. who chose that path. and I still have Zero envy for them. I just never saw myself doing anything like that. Never felt the Calling. Had a calling to be a philosopher. But there’s no money in it. hehe. and they gave me a C in logic. fucking assholes.

Got an A in Polisci hehe. But… well ya that’s like getting a bad mental health diagnosis.. these days, isn’t it? if THIS makes sense to you.. then… then I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with you, young man. hehe.

No, no I really don’t remember shit from college. I got my job, and off I went. and then there were drugs.. institutions…

Oh, you know I did pick up a useful book this week. I wonder why it didn’t get more attention. Paul Stiles – is the American dream killing you?

it presents a critique of using “THE MARKET” as our higher power. Interesting guy, too. Worked for NSA, but also had a change of heart, I see. nice when that happens.

“While a human being is defined by his ability to distinguish between good and evil, to the Market good and evil are nothing but profit and loss…”

yes, I had some thoughts on the MARKET also. My therapist tried to tell me things about THE MARKET. I think, ultimately, I had to tell him to go F. himself… Market. you know who spends money in the Market? Usually women. and how much sense do they make?? Hahahahahahaha…….

sorry… sorry. that’s it. that’s all I got today, folks.

yes, it’s sad all this shit in Ukraine is still going on. maybe the Market can explain. someone. someone just didn’t get along, I guess. someone just couldn’t get along… I heard another quote about that recently –

everyone discovers that people are not maximizing utility… they’re murdering each other… and so then the Geopolitics gets let back in. – Stephen Kotkin

Oh course we all know that one of the more sinister reasons for war must have been that guys don’t squabble over bitches. It’s that… supply demand sort of thing. sad but true…. you fall in love.. you go to war.. or maybe it’s the other way around. Fools rush in. Now, a seasoned man like myself just drinks and goes to meetings.

books, money, relationships, school, society, solitude, travel, value, writing

If you can’t compensate me for my suffering, then at least reward me for my achievement.

I drank coffee and read old books and waited for the year to end – Richard Brautigan…

Look it’s not funny to me. Some people say.. oh.. my parents seem to get smarter as I get older.

haha. Good for you, I guess. Mine seem to get dumber every year as I successfully dissect more and more of their lies.

Really.

Yes. I want to write a fucking book. a novel. Finally. and go over that stuff from 2011. But Im not fucking doing it here. Not here.

I need a real break. A retreat! a month or two. trying to persuade Mom but I dont know if that will work out anytime soon. These people are idiots.

and yes, I think the University of Michigan should be liable for this catastrophe also. They didn’t give me any pussy. I became an alcoholic. But I get to feel good about myself… I guess. hey. this is what dad wanted. An American college graduate. Right here.

I still fail to see any real Value in this pointless activity. They didn’t even teach me how to Close.

I need a fucking fellowship. or something.

Yes.. every year.. every year I seem to learn a few new things, for now. and I think that’s basically the only thing that keeps me going. what happens when even that’s gone. When there’s really nothing else to know….. what then.. do I do..?