books, love, money, relationships, solitude, work

The Free Time Tester… a cautionary Tale.

After all, the best part of a holiday is perhaps not so much to be resting yourself, as to see all the other fellows busy working – Kenneth Grahame


My worst fear came true. I became a food service manager after college. Fast food. I remember thinking about this years ago. Thinking about all of these hundreds of thousands of people all over America. Wondering how they do it. How the fuck do they do it?

And then I became one.

How did I end up here? Well. I suppose I had more drinking nights than book nights in college, and I ended up with a heartbreaking 2.93 GPA. If I had gotten a 2.95, I could just put a 3 on my resume, and get some decent interviews, maybe. But.. this.. this 2.93 meant options were limited. I thought about going for a real estate license, but I’ve already met too many annoying broads in that field. I’m dumb because I’m a drunk. They’re just dumb by default, you know? You know what I’m saying? Food service actually seemed like the lesser evil.

About a year out of college, a more intriguing opportunity came my way via an old roommate. He was at one of the AI companies, and said they were looking to hire FREE TIME testers. They figured pretty soon jobs were really going to disappear rather fast, and the government gave them a grant to study how normal people might respond to all the leisure.

It was a quick phone interview with a Mr. Morgan.

I first asked why they don’t just hire Homeless people.

“They’re just different,” he said.

Then, I had to point out that it’s not a great experiment because if everyone really does become unemployed in the future, this lifestyle would become a social norm, not an aberration. He said that’s really clever, but he still had to hire 5 guys in this town.

Was I in or out?

So what’s the deal? The study lasts for 60 days. I’d get 50 bucks a day, paid weekly. I’m supposed to avoid any activity I would consider work. I’m supposed to ask 3 local strangers out on dates, and report how that goes. Report any police contact, also.

As expected, the first week was a very welcome holiday. Basically, I’d get drunk and go to the movies.

How about some exercise? Sure, I can do some jogging. What bliss.

3 weeks in, the company called to remind me that I had to look for a date. And it should be someone I haven’t met yet.

Could be tricky.

I remembered that the library had social events and book readings every other week or so. Here we go. A friendly little thing, it seems. The name’s Sally.

Sally was some kind of social worker. I told her about my little adventure and she gave me a frown.

I said I actually tried to get out of it at the interview, but I also really needed a change. How about Sushi?

Sushi it is.

“So what do you Actually want to do?”

Oh. You mean like.. professionally? For the rest of my life?

“Sure… something like that” says Sally.

I remembered that I always fucking hated these conversations. Am I going to impress her with a lofty goal? Should I err on the side of humility maybe? Let’s try to come up with something honest, and see if that works.

“I guess I wanted to be a lawyer and a judge,” I say. “But the only class I failed in college was Logic. So now.., now I am just lost and confused.”

There’s more to life than logic! You’re young. I’m sure you’ll find something satisfying. You got a favorite book?

Sure, I like Camus. I keep wondering if his “accident” was actually a suicide. He seemed like the type, right?

“As I recall, he wasn’t driving”

Well, I guess you know more than I do. I wasn’t there. Believe half that you see, and nothing you read, right?

“Yeah, I think I heard that one somewhere…”

“Well.. how’s this going so far? You got other plans tonight, or should we go get a drink somewhere?”

I think I do have plans… let’s maybe chat again in a few, okay?

No problem…

So that was Sally. I went to the bar anyway and tried to flirt with the bartender. Maybe I can count that too.

So, the first month went by. It was rather uneventful. I began to feel a little empty, and I began to dread going back to work. Fucking food service. How the hell did I end up here? I don’t think these jobs are going anywhere. People always need to go somewhere where someone’s nice to them. Someone that’s not a goddamn robot. I think that’s what I’ll tell Morgan at the debrief.

I want to grow. I want to have a sense of accomplishment. But how is that going to work? If the same fat fucks are always hungry the next day. On Day 57 I got arrested for peeing in an alley behind a bar. Well, whaddya know… I guess idle hands are the devil’s workshop.

books, life, love, relationships, school, solitude, take it easy, work, writing

basic pleasure model

Dedicated to one or two women who maybe liked me.. years ago. and inimitable… Philip K. Dick.

For those of you who skipped their women’s studies classes, first-wave feminism got women the vote; second-wave got them employed and divorced; third-wave is busy making them porn stars. More or less – Kathleen Parker

Someone once told me that I was good enough looking, that if I were just nice to girls, I could probably get laid pretty often. I don’t think I ever actually tried doing it that way.

These are the phases that you go through, I suppose. You’re young. You’re surrounded by people. You’re anxious. and Annoyed. You drink. You’re alone. You’re afraid of dying alone. I think eventually you figure out… alone might be kind of nice. Because you’re so goddamn tired of being nice to people. Would anyone ever really love the real you? Doubtful… Someone wise once said.. what you really want doesn’t actually exist in reality. Now you go and think about that one…

Lucky for me, I was the only one at that fucked up party who actually figured out her costume – Pris. And you don’t dress like that.. unless you want some. Am I right or am I Right?

She wasn’t perfect.. but you know what, she was pretty close. The only question now is, could I actually leave behind this fucking self-pity I had become so addicted to. Senior year. I think I really was doing these calculations somewhere in the back of my mind. Just imagine. If I don’t get laid THIS year.. then shit. I could actually keep feeling sorry for myself FOREVER. I mean look, I didn’t even get any pussy in college. What are they going to say to that? This is America, and there ain’t a worse punishment imaginable.. Look at him. He didn’t even get any pussy in college. Right?

So what’s the plan going to be here? We close. We start talking about our parents.. and the future perhaps… I hope that when I actually have to see these other parents, they’ll hate me enough that I don’t have to feel too bad about the inevitable breakup. Ideally, I can get enough sex out of this and be done with her by Christmas.

So you live in this house? (She jolts me out of the daydream)

Uh.. no, Jerry does. Let me talk to a couple people first, then we’ll get going.

I never said I’m going home with you! I was just wondering. I think the girls and I have other plans.

Whatever. Give her space.

A few drinks later she does wander over to the couch, and again starts chatting.

So you said you don’t live far, is that right?

I like your type, I say…

Which is?

You’re the type who’ll have a lot of regrettable sex because you’re afraid you can’t get the guy you really want to be with.

It took a few seconds for her to start laughing.

She came back with the usual, I guess that’s what college is for, isn’t it?

You wanna watch Blade Runner with me or no?

We do indeed end up at my place pretty soon that night. I never even have to meet the parents. She found some other inebriate between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I guess it’d be worse if she were perfect.

books, creativity, language, medicine, relationships, solitude, take it easy, work

the Law of Conservation of Energy

Law of Conservation of Energy.

All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream. Edgar Allan Poe.

No, we’re not going to talk too much about Physics. maybe toward the end there.

Maybe I’m a weak writer. But I like to think that I am stingy with writing because women were always stingy with sex. Well, except that one time.

What I had in mind was writing a tale about a fellow who progressively does less.. and less, and less.. until he turns into.. some kind of plant. Some oak trees live for centuries. Did I get that from somewhere? Someone? I don’t know.. Probably. Let me know if it sounds familiar. nothing comes to mind right now.

What is it now.. almost 40. Well. Like I said before.. I’ve outlived J.K. Toole.. and that guy who wrote Leaving Las Vegas. O’Brien. I still like to see a doctor once a year. He usually says something about my liver enzymes. The only real question I have is if I’ll live long enough to get Social security. Free money, at last.

Almost daily I am horrified by things my parents say. Horrified. But, they’re the employable ones in this household. Explain that to me. It is only by confusing and distracting these “normal” people do we get to avoid Apocalypse. They never get enough time to put their foolishness into action. I do. they always have some fucking appointment.. or bill to pay.. some equally insane relatives to talk to.

I do not bother my head about these things…

I watch people run around as if they have cancer (terminal), but to me it seems like they really just forgot to water their plants. Once. Why do you need so many plants?

So, you see, for all practical purposes, I have cracked immortality. I have something like 8500 days left until retirement. What.. what haven’t I done. Always wanted a boat, I guess. But the nice ones are expensive. Would I like to travel somewhere? No. I don’t…

A few weeks ago I figured out I can pee and brush my teeth simultaneously. I used to not brush my teeth at all for weeks.. sometimes. but now, I realized I do have a free hand for most of the time that I am peeing. So I can be slightly more presentable. Remember that? We always get what we need. But not always what we want. Peeing, in the bathroom is a pretty hard requirement. Everything else is kind of a wish-list item. I don’t really see what I get out of it.

What. what are we Really here for? I watched one of the movies about Yogananda recently. As the prospective disciple bows, the great Guru asks if he struggles with Sex, Wine or Money.

No, sir. Not a problem at all. if there’s money, I usually buy Sex. And wine. Hehe. He didn’t say that. I did.

No, I suppose I’m not monk material. But I always had some suspicion that there must be some logic behind all the insanity I see. In the mind of God, at some quantum level, if you go far enough back.. or deep into the cells and atoms, maybe I’ll figure something out and things will make sense. Maybe I’ve got to help the person I screwed over 7 lifetimes ago. and THEN I would feel complete and satisfied. But where is this person? I need a sign.

Time to go see the Doctor, I guess.

imdb.com/title/tt3197802/

books, life, love, money, relationships, society, take it easy, work

deaths of despair.

Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together – Petrarch

By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be – Irvine Welsh

no, not depressed today. Actually, I am probably a little Manic. thats why.. that’s why I’m in a writing Mood I guess. But.. couple days ago I was watching a little talk by Niall Ferguson on the subject. We’ll come back to that…

You know one thing I really am grateful for.. is my Memory. Some people say that’s why Hemingway Off’ed himself. He saw he lost the magic. Electroshock fucked something up. Once in a while, I think I still have THE MAGIC. uh… I’ll come back to that also.. Maybe today. Maybe Not.

Four years ago I posted on Facebook, hey look, I made it to 33 and I am still alive. I Outlived Jesus of Nazareth. And Now I got 4 more years. Nothing much has changed.. but.. hey, I guess most people think it’s better to be alive than the alternative.

I did. I did try to contact “Poverty Solutions.” Because in AA they tell me to ASK FOR HELP. So I did. I found the Appropriate resource, and I Asked for Help. Yep.

For some reason these idiots referred me to the Police department, Again. And I want THE WORLD to see this. I want Someone to explain to me WHAT THE FUCK is going on. WHY are these scumbags avoiding responsibility? Why do you believe that a 36 year old male with 39 cents in his bank account, Living with Mom Does NOT qualify for your help. You’re the University of Michigan. You say you’re Solving poverty. I want you to Grow the HELL up and DO what you say you’re qualified to be doing. Just Grow up!

This isn’t funny anymore. I am really not making a joke here. Someone has to GROW THE HELL UP.

This morning in the shower what I really wanted to write about was.. sex or Self pity. Which would you rather have? Of course you need to have had both to make an Informed decision. And you know what. you know what.. I think I’m leaning toward Self-pity. What is it now? 28 years left. till I get that Social security check. If they don’t solve my poverty Sooner. Fine. you know what. FUCKING FINE! I can wait 28 years. I keep getting better at waiting. I’ll ride this horse all the way to Retirement!

It’s not like I haven’t tried other things. I got this guy’s book. D. D. Burns. And I can’t get through the fucking chapter on Motivation. He’s supposed to be as good as they come. Fucking Amherst, UPenn, Stanford. Holy shit. I even said I’ll work for him. he needed a test driver for his Ai therapist I think, but I assume the position has been filled. Oh well.

My real therapist, currently, sometimes talks about REALITY. Reality? You know what that makes me think of? That makes me think of Freight trains. That’s as real as it gets, buddy. If you don’t get out the way of That thing, game over. Reality. Fucking asshole. No. I’m really not depressed today. this is not a “Gesture”

I just want him to get a little more specific, that’s all. If by reality you mean you want me to get a shit job, for shit money, and do all this while I’m SOBER, Well you can go Fuck yourself. Reality. THAT is why I think of Freight trains.

Yeah, I used to think girls were real special. Like most young men.. I thought.. I thought if one day I would actually make love to a really beautiful woman, things would change.. dramatically. Something Fantastic, and Magical would happen. Have I done it yet? Heh, I’m not sure. I guess eventually I made up in quantity.

You have to define success and be happy when you get it!

That’s it. That’s my little therapy tip. Original? I think so.

You know if I did have.. a Magic wand.. a time machine, I wouldn’t even go back to 2009. Because if I could have a do-over with Roxi.. well.. well then I wouldn’t have Any Self-pity!! Why would I give THAT up? HAHAHAHAHA.

But I Would go back to… 2010. Because that’s when I met M. no wait.. maybe it was 2011 already. Anyway. It was that Winter. I believe it was pretty cold. She broke up with BOYFRIEND. She was in town for training, a week? and Oh God She was something. We were, what? 23 and 25 I guess. I thought it was perfect.. MEANT to be. mm.. I know her name.. I know where she went to school.. but you know what.. she met my friend.. Rafferty. They seemed to get along.. Rafferty is dead by the way.. I am pretty sure. Suicide probably. For other reasons. Anyway. I was jealous.. of course.. and I believe the Bro Code says, I SAW IT FIRST, so its supposed to be mine. I went back.. grabbed my bag from her hotel room that I strategically placed earlier (sneaky), and I just had to leave. I think we started off well, but my drunken self was eventually creeping her out. She said maybe tomorrow.. hehe. No. I stayed away from the Crowne Plaza that week. Maybe she found Raff again. Who knows. I am sure if I DID have a time machine.. I could make that night work, eventually. But.. I don’t know. I don’t seem to meet spectacular women anymore. Maybe it’s because I’m not that hungry. Maybe it’s just impossible.. to make it work. Maybe I’m too addicted to Self pity.. No going back.. no going back they say.

Memory. yes. when we run out of booze, we feed on memories. I think it’s not a bad way to live.

books, communication, language, relationships, take it easy, work

Part III

Wrapping this up, I guess. Also, Something fun for election season!. Part 2 was somewhat popular. 6 likes from people. I was humble enough to include myself in this last list.. heh. Thanks! I want to say I’m at a good stopping point.. but we haven’t reached 360 yet, have we? You know.. these past 10 years, I tried a lot.. and hard to find something else to do.. but.. of all the things.. this isn’t bad, is it? Collecting quotations. See, with enough good ideas.. I get to poke holes in most of the bullshit people try to baffle me with. You want me to get a job? Really? You really want me to be EMPLOYABLE? Well, you know that will cost a lot of money. Life’s short.. and I’m expensive. Because I have self esteem. that’s right. I dont give a fuck about the MARKET. it doesn’t work. the fucking market doesn’t work. I checked all the boxes…… No. I guess not. But I checked enough boxes. heh. Going down to New Orleans last year was great. I logged something like 900 miles running this year. This shit’s getting boring also. I don’t know. I don’t see any Good ideas. but that’s no reason to surrender to… coloring spreadsheets.. or buildings sandcastles.. or some such nonsense. Remember.. every few years.. 40.. 50.. 60.. 70… we all get a little bit dumber. There’s no going back.. hehe.. they say. If I ever make it that far.. well, I’ll always need this arsenal of Wisdom to make a good impression.

  1. We are never so much disposed to quarrel with others as when we are dissatisfied with ourselves. William Hazlitt
  2. When we forgive, the slave we free is ourselves – Edward Hallowell
  3. Men to whom God is dead worship one another – Harry Crews
  4. I can’t believe what you say, because I see what you do. – James Baldwin
  5. I have never voted in my life… I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it’s certain they will win – Louis-Ferdinand Celine…
  6. If only we could see in advance all the harm that can come from the good we think we are doing. – Pirandello
  7. This cultural Left thinks more about stigma than about money, more about deep and hidden psychosexual motivations than about shallow and evident greed. – Richard Rorty
  8. The essence of immorality is the tendency to make an exception of myself – Jane Addams
  9. The ground for taking ignorance to be restrictive of freedom is that it causes people to make choices which they would not have made if they had seen what the realization of their choices involved. – AJ Ayer
  10. The most pathetic person in the world is some one who has sight but no vision – Hellen Keller
  11. what we call rational grounds for our beliefs are often extremely irrational attempts to justify our instincts – Thomas Henry Huxley
  12. Moral courage is the most valuable and usually the most absent characteristic in men – George Patton
  13. The toughest bullshit to cut through, is one’s own – Joseph Galloway
  14. You can only solve what you have the courage to see – Dylan Ratigan
  15. Certain experiences you can’t survive, and afterward you don’t fully exist, even if you failed to die – Nic Pizzolatto.
  16. I was raised the old-fashioned way, with a stern set of moral principles: Never lie, cheat, steal or knowingly spread a venereal disease – Barbara Ehrenreich
  17. Humanity does not ask us to be happy. It merely asks us to be brilliant on its behalf – Orson Scott Card
  18. Do not mourn the dead. They know what they are doing – Clarice Lispector
  19. You need to find a way to live your life, that it doesn’t make a mockery of your values – Bill Ayers
  20. No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible – Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
  21. The reality isn’t important: what’s important is your belief, and believing the lie is the only way to avoid a waking coma. Civilization now depends on self-deception. Perhaps it always has. Ted Chiang.
  22. There are two spiritual dangers in not owning a farm. One is the danger of supposing that breakfast comes from the grocery, and the other that heat comes from the furnace – Aldo Leopold
  23. I despise the cowardly clinging to life, purely for the sake of life, that seems so deeply ingrained in the American temperament – Christopher Lasch.
  24. Liberty is not the power of doing what we like, but the right of being able to do what we ought. – Lord Acton
  25. the human mind does not run on logic any more than a horse runs on petrol – Rory Sutherland.
  26. It’s discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit Noel Coward
  27. What I’d like is to meet a man I could take off my hat to and say: “Thank you for having got born, and the longer you live the better – Maxim Gorky.
  28. The idea that freedom is merely the ability to act upon one’s whims is surely very thin and hardly begins to capture the complexities of human existence; a man whose appetite is his law strikes us not as liberated but enslaved . Theodore Dalrymple.
  29. If truth is what you seek, then the examined life will only take you on a long ride to the limits of solitude and leave you by the side of the road with your truth and nothing else – Thomas Ligotti
  30. Self pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality – John Gardner
  31. Yes, one can take a handful of crisp one dollar bills and practically water your mouth over it, but this is a kind of person who is confused like a Pavlov dog, who salivates on the wrong bell… – Alan Watts.
  32. One good teacher in a lifetime may sometimes change a delinquent into a solid citizen – Philip Wylie
  33. Logic can be met with logic, while illogic cannot—it confuses those who think straight. The Big Lie and monotonously repeated nonsense have more emotional appeal in a cold war than logic and reason. – Joost Meerloo
  34. Every age has its massive moral blind spots. We might not see them, but our children will. – Bono
  35. Choice implies consciousness – a high degree of consciousness. Without it, you have no choice – Eckhart Tolle
  36. Every society produces its own cultural conceits, a set of lies and delusions about itself that thrive in the face of all contrary evidence – Jack Weatherford
  37. Within groups selfish individuals beat altruistic individuals, but groups of altruists beat groups of selfish individuals. Or, risking oversimplification, individual selection promoted sin, while group selection promoted virtue – EO Wilson.
  38. Most therapy programs do little more than provide psychopaths with new excuses and rationalizations for their behavior and new insights into human vulnerability… – Robert Hare
  39. The takeaway from all these observations is that our species seems, somehow, to derive more benefit from speaking than from listening – Kevin Simler
  40. Law is neither a divine revelation nor a scientific discovery. It is a wholly human creation that includes the contribution of those who claim to study it and who cannot remain blind to the values implied by their interpretations … Alain Supiot
  41. While economics is about how people make choice, sociology is about how they don’t have any choice to make. – Bertrand Russell
  42. Playing a game is the voluntary attempt to overcome unnecessary obstacles – Bernard Suits
  43. The only real struggle in the history of the world… is between the vested interest and social justice – Arnold Toynbee
  44. Intersectionality? I’m not sure but I think I have it. DMITRY DYATLOV.
  45. History repeats itself because man remains at the same level of being—namely, he attracts again and again the same circumstances, feels the same things, says the same things, hopes the same things, believes the same things – Maurice Nicoll
  46. The history of the twentieth century encourages the thought that the easiest way to generate productivity in a modern society is by nourishing the motives of which I spoke earlier, namely, those of greed and fear. But we should never forget that greed and fear are repugnant motives GA COHEN
  47. Brown University’s Student Services helps students answer the compelling question: “How can I bring sex toys into my relationship?” – Heather Mac Donald
  48. We can’t believe what we believe to be untrue, and we can’t love what we believe to be unreal. – Peter Kreeft
  49. the only people who have proof of their sanity are those who have been discharged from mental institutions – Marshall McLuhan
  50. “In general, we’re least aware of what our minds do best.” Marvin Minsky
  51. Have you ever considered the possibility, said Rumfoord, “that everything went absolutely right?” – Kurt Vonnegut
  52. A country cannot subsist well without liberty, nor liberty without virtue – Daniel Webster
  53. Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message – Malcolm Muggeridge
  54. When people give you advice, they’re really just talking to themselves in the past – Austin Kleon
  55. Both tolerance and respect are empty virtues until we actually understand whatever it is we are supposed to be tolerating or respecting – Stephen Prothero.
  56. Asked to resolve problems in a language that is not their own, people are less likely to depart from standard accounts of rationality – Cass Sunstein
  57. Good God, if our civilization were to sober up for a couple of days, it’d die of remorse on the third – Malcolm Lowry
  58. It’s a very funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get – W Somerset Maugham
  59. You can’t make history all the time, Dougie. Sometimes the best you can do is make money – James Ellroy
  60. This finding or inventing of words for incomprehensible things has nothing to do with understanding. On the contrary, if we could get rid of half of our words perhaps we should have a better chance of a certain understanding. – P.D. Ouspensky
  61. As soon as you concern yourself with the “good” and “bad” of your fellows, you create an opening in your heart for maliciousness to enter. – Morihei Ueshiba
  62. Bad things happen when good people pretend nothing is wrong – Corey Taylor
  63. if your Problem is someone else’s behavior, you go to a program for the solution, because the solution might be to do nothing. Whitney Cummings
  64. All I know is this: nobody’s very big in the first place, and it looks to me like everybody spends their whole life tearing everybody else down – Ken Kesey
  65. a little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation – H H Munro
  66. Most of us have jobs that are too small for our spirits. – Studs Terkel
  67. Freedom for the pike is death for the minnows. – R.H. Tawney
  68. The more I think about language, the more it amazes me that people ever understand each other at all – Kurt Gödel

advice, books, life, patience, work

one more time…….

oh I want to talk about running. Just like Haruki.. hehe.

because That’s about all I do.. thats somewhat productive.

this really is a great time to Run in Michigan. Low 60s in the morning.

sometimes there is a little mist. Very peaceful.

If you get your ass out of bed before 9, it’s always refreshing. You won’t regret it.

but you gotta do it. Doing it. getting up. Is getting kind of hard.

I had a little insight the other day, I guess. We often look up people… like Jim Ryun… Gerry Lindgren. and we see how fast they run. ran. what medals they earned. Wow, that’s fast.

And then last night I watched a Jack Daniels video about… about what they did to get there. and no.. that’s not something we think about too much. Look at all the work. the hundreds and thousands of miles they travelled. to get to that.. that one race. that makes them a Champion.. forever.

They always talk about delayed gratification… just wait.. just wait and things will be better.

Maybe. Maybe not.

But in life it’s really not so simple is it. Everyone gets to take a course on the law of delayed consequences, before you get to call yourself Adult… required course for Adulting. The law of delayed consequences. At some point. we get to take that course.

You know for me.. I know I have to work my ass off the next month.. 28.. 27 days. to get in shape. and then maybe I’ll run that Boston qualifying marathon… but that doesn’t happen until.. April 2026. If I get every day right. Enough work. enough Food.. enough rest.. the next 28 days. After that there’s not much to worry about. You just show up. and You do what you’ve been training for. Just do it. hehe.

But.. right now Im Anxious. I gotta get up. and Get those miles in. Every day. I gotta push myself a little harder every day. Then you run that race.

and you get to keep it. forever.

babies, communication, environment, life, love, money, relationships, school, solitude, take it easy, work

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

And if there is one sure sign in Hegel’s philosophy that history isn’t over, of course it’s a war. Because there are embodied people in struggle with different views about what freedom is and how to live. RICK RODERICK

well. I guess today I was inspired by a recent publication on Augustine of Hippo (Linked below) to add some more words about my own sad, little life.

I began to pray. what did I pray? I prayed. GOD is there anything left for me to do.. on God’s green earth?

I guess I was a little suicidal. But. I prayed.

God.. God usually tells me to Lie a little less. or never.

You know.. Ma.. ma never lets me down.. I guess.. Ma knows I fucked her like no man ever could. Right? hehehehehe..

Sorry. maybe that’s a little too much. Ma always likes to say Oh we’re just little people from the middle of nowhere.. some little village in Russia or Belarus or Ukraine or some shit.

And I think she sincerely believes it.. Humility is a virtue!

But she knows very well that her parents were Military officers who worked abroad who definitely had some power in the ol’ Soviet system at least. and that’s why they got to reproduce so quickly.. and I had nice bikes and Camels.. where’s the fucking camel? There’s a picture of the camel somewhere.. well. you know.

What is it that drove these people.. my parents to Jump Ship in 1998 and move to America.. perhaps we’ll never know. I think they were just running.. running away from shit. Instead of confronting it. Russia was nice. I had a girlfriend in Russia… when I was.. 10.

Well. they’re employable. I’m not.. apparently. I just write shit on the internet. I donate plasma and get 50 bucks for drink. Hey, that’s not bad pay for not doing shit for an hour. I still try to get some runs in. Still running. Marathons.

Oh, wait. yes. I fell in love. I did fall in love once. and that’s what I get.. from the object of my affection. Shit, I still can’t believe it.. maybe it’s just a California thing? no.. No I think this still makes sense to some people.. here… in Michigan. Just read.

So. by the time you’re 27 you’re up to 4 boyfriends that you cheated on.. and I still didn’t get that pussy. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh. Oh Lord.. what do you want me to do? or say…

What? What do you say to something like that? Except maybe drink yourself to death.. hehehe.

What? No. no no no no no. You’re not gonna make me do shit. People. you see.. PEOPLE used to do things for a reason. The reason usually was you’re trying to start a family.. or something. right? How do you do that.. these days? In this environment… I respect your honesty.. but JESUS.. YOU know. JESUS. what do you say to something like that?

God.. Is there ANYTHING left for me to do.. on this earth.. today..? You just sit back.. Enjoy the show.. I guess?

books, communication, environment, life, money, relationships, society, solitude, work, writing

hide and seek

my friend told me to finish my novel before I finish my next tube of toothpaste

there’s a challenge.

you know I did find a nice place to hide in this annoying town .

there is a roof of an abandoned warehouse. You have a metal ladder you can climb.

haul some water up there and you can live

for weeks maybe. Months?

you look around and see the hospitals the bars and gas stations. Apartments. You see folks moving around and wonder. Why are they in such a hurry?

you can’t pay me enough to live like this.

Vonnegut wrote something about this. The Uwtb. Universal will to become .

what does it all come down to. Love and money. And if there’s enough money you can probably buy love.

sorry. Sorry!

I guess I’ve been alone so long it doesn’t bother me. If I keep sleeping on the roof my guru will show up and explain everything to me.

What are you still trying to turn yourself into?

what is it?

nope. I don’t have it. I’m just me. sometimes I don’t even use my name. I’m Alex or boris or Sergei who played with them Wings in 95.

yes it’s fucking unbelievable. It’s 2024 and people haven’t learned how to stop going to war. Is that really why I drink so much?

maybe.

charity, law, relationships, solitude, take it easy, work

O.

Playing a game is the voluntary attempt to overcome unnecessary obstacles – Bernard Suits.

Oh this worth writing about…. I guess. Spent the last 6 hours in a virtual world called Runescape.. Run. Escape. hehe

RS has been my good companion for the past 20 years or so. Yea. hard to hang with the young kids these days. Too old for this multi-tasking shit… too damn old.

Trying to defeat a new Foe. they call them Bosses. A big imaginary monster that… throws darts… spits out some kind of radiation?… and summons minions and tries to destroy you before you get to do the same…. to it. for some reason it reminded me of dating…

of course its a little addicting… because there’s a hierarchy of players based on skill. you can’t break the rules. you can use many potions, spells, and your own minions to achieve whatever it is you’re trying to achieve today. And… yes, you get a pretty good idea of how “Good” you are… relative to others.

I guess I do it because it just makes sense. The internet seems to work fine… today. No one’s trying to sabotage the gameplay. If I dont figure it out… I really have no one to blame but myself. in this specific situation. Not like the “real” world is it? there’s always liars… and uh, selective prosecutions… and at the end of the day I just had to say fuck it. I don’t know wtf is going on anymore. Things just don’t make sense. I look at people who have cancer and I get a little jealous. I look at guys waving a sign by the side of the road, and I think that’s not a bad way to make an honest living.

You know?

Someone long ago said what makes a hell on earth are our attempts to make it heaven…

shit. Karl Popper?? hehe, was that really him. I dunno. Like I said, I’m tired. I better sleep on it. Maybe things will make more sense in the morning.

advice, life, love, patience, relationships, solitude, take it easy, value, work

Cancer.

oh wouldn’t it be nice to have cancer.

Honestly, I can’t think of a better way to go.

It’s nice! PEOPLE FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.

if things arent going well… I am doing something Wrong… they say.

well things have been kinda fucked up. and I really dont know wtf… wtf am I doing. Drinking? okay. yes. Maybe Im still drinking.

But more will be revealed! that’s also true… I guess. more is always revealed.

I discovered a new author. Christopher Lasch. historian. hehe. Cancer. Lucky. Died on Valentine’s day, did he?

You know I read this quote… yesterday. and I honestly don’t know what the hell he means. Maybe I should just get the book and see if he explains it further. Aren’t they both just SELLING something? what exactly is his point? that some things shouldn’t be for sale?? in most… states… heh.

is that what he means? I don’t know.

No, I never really was “Blazing through pussy” as one of my therapists used to say. too hard… fast… although yes I did have a nice year in Philadelphia. Philly was fun. no complaints. the last two uh… Quasi-relationships were with older gals… and I suppose there was a bit of a transfer of wealth in my direction. hehe. they weren’t bad looking, I’d do it for free… heh… but… hey the extra gratitude doesn’t hurt. I guess. I can always use more socks……. and food.

Was that really my objective? no… but how does.. Rollo say it? the “gynocratic social order” ?? is that what it’s about? Girls want what they want… and sometimes they’re even ready and willing to pay? and I really didn’t have much else going on. and all things considered… why not… it’s definitely better than the relationship I’ve been observing between my parents…. as we all know… by now.

Improper documentation of requirements always leads to many sleepless nights and angry people – ACCENTURE.

Good thing I remembered that one… hehe.

No. my only real objective for many years has been to see my father suffer horribly for making my life a living hell.

Strike 1 – Leaving Russia. You dumbass…. Strikes 2 & 3. didn’t fucking leave me ALONE when I actually had things going on… opportunities… in 2005. 2010 also. I could’ve been in a different fucking state and all he had to do was fucking LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

Nope. he’s got to keep fucking up my life. But. But THIS IS AMERICA. and that’s definitely 3 strikes, by my count.

and you’re a fucking piece of shit. And you will not be TRUSTED. you will just be observed. very closely. you dumb little piece of shit.

is there another way to look at it? Maybe. But I still think My view is more right than any other.

What else am I doing wrong?

the DECISION MAKERS. heh. they’re somewhere. they can open doors, I am sure. if they want. but. the doors are closed and it’s really not up to me. what the hell you really want? I did have 3 or 4 months of no drinking a couple years ago. AND NOTHING IS HAPPENING. so what the fuck do you really want. I don’t have any more fucking stories. sorry.