books, love, money, relationships, solitude, work

The Free Time Tester… a cautionary Tale.

Posted on February 1, 2026 by Dmitry

After all, the best part of a holiday is perhaps not so much to be resting yourself, as to see all the other fellows busy working – Kenneth Grahame

My worst fear came true. I became a food service manager after college. Fast food. I remember thinking about this years ago. Thinking about all of these hundreds of thousands of people all over America. Wondering how they do it. How the fuck do they do it?

And then I became one.

How did I end up here? Well. I suppose I had more drinking nights than book nights in college, and I ended up with a heartbreaking 2.93 GPA. If I had gotten a 2.95, I could just put a 3 on my resume, and get some decent interviews, maybe. But.. this.. this 2.93 meant options were limited. I thought about going for a real estate license, but I’ve already met too many annoying broads in that field. I’m dumb because I’m a drunk. They’re just dumb by default, you know? You know what I’m saying? Food service actually seemed like the lesser evil.

About a year out of college, a more intriguing opportunity came my way via an old roommate. He was at one of the AI companies, and said they were looking to hire FREE TIME testers. They figured pretty soon jobs were really going to disappear rather fast, and the government gave them a grant to study how normal people might respond to all the leisure.

It was a quick phone interview with a Mr. Morgan.

I first asked why they don’t just hire Homeless people.

“They’re just different,” he said.

Then, I had to point out that it’s not a great experiment because if everyone really does become unemployed in the future, this lifestyle would become a social norm, not an aberration. He said that’s really clever, but he still had to hire 5 guys in this town.

Was I in or out?

So what’s the deal? The study lasts for 60 days. I’d get 50 bucks a day, paid weekly. I’m supposed to avoid any activity I would consider work. I’m supposed to ask 3 local strangers out on dates, and report how that goes. Report any police contact, also.

As expected, the first week was a very welcome holiday. Basically, I’d get drunk and go to the movies.

How about some exercise? Sure, I can do some jogging. What bliss.

3 weeks in, the company called to remind me that I had to look for a date. And it should be someone I haven’t met yet.

Could be tricky.

I remembered that the library had social events and book readings every other week or so. Here we go. A friendly little thing, it seems. The name’s Sally.

Sally was some kind of social worker. I told her about my little adventure and she gave me a frown.

I said I actually tried to get out of it at the interview, but I also really needed a change. How about Sushi?

Sushi it is.

“So what do you Actually want to do?”

Oh. You mean like.. professionally? For the rest of my life?

“Sure… something like that” says Sally.

I remembered that I always fucking hated these conversations. Am I going to impress her with a lofty goal? Should I err on the side of humility maybe? Let’s try to come up with something honest, and see if that works.

“I guess I wanted to be a lawyer and a judge,” I say. “But the only class I failed in college was Logic. So now.., now I am just lost and confused.”

There’s more to life than logic! You’re young. I’m sure you’ll find something satisfying. You got a favorite book?

Sure, I like Camus. I keep wondering if his “accident” was actually a suicide. He seemed like the type, right?

“As I recall, he wasn’t driving”

Well, I guess you know more than I do. I wasn’t there. Believe half that you see, and nothing you read, right?

“Yeah, I think I heard that one somewhere…”

“Well.. how’s this going so far? You got other plans tonight, or should we go get a drink somewhere?”

I think I do have plans… let’s maybe chat again in a few, okay?

No problem…

So that was Sally. I went to the bar anyway and tried to flirt with the bartender. Maybe I can count that too.

So, the first month went by. It was rather uneventful. I began to feel a little empty, and I began to dread going back to work. Fucking food service. How the hell did I end up here? I don’t think these jobs are going anywhere. People always need to go somewhere where someone’s nice to them. Someone that’s not a goddamn robot. I think that’s what I’ll tell Morgan at the debrief.

I want to grow. I want to have a sense of accomplishment. But how is that going to work? If the same fat fucks are always hungry the next day. On Day 57 I got arrested for peeing in an alley behind a bar. Well, whaddya know… I guess idle hands are the devil’s workshop.

books, creativity, language, medicine, relationships, solitude, take it easy, work

the Law of Conservation of Energy

Posted on December 22, 2024December 22, 2024 by Dmitry

Law of Conservation of Energy.

All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream. Edgar Allan Poe.

No, we’re not going to talk too much about Physics. maybe toward the end there.

Maybe I’m a weak writer. But I like to think that I am stingy with writing because women were always stingy with sex. Well, except that one time.

What I had in mind was writing a tale about a fellow who progressively does less.. and less, and less.. until he turns into.. some kind of plant. Some oak trees live for centuries. Did I get that from somewhere? Someone? I don’t know.. Probably. Let me know if it sounds familiar. nothing comes to mind right now.

What is it now.. almost 40. Well. Like I said before.. I’ve outlived J.K. Toole.. and that guy who wrote Leaving Las Vegas. O’Brien. I still like to see a doctor once a year. He usually says something about my liver enzymes. The only real question I have is if I’ll live long enough to get Social security. Free money, at last.

Almost daily I am horrified by things my parents say. Horrified. But, they’re the employable ones in this household. Explain that to me. It is only by confusing and distracting these “normal” people do we get to avoid Apocalypse. They never get enough time to put their foolishness into action. I do. they always have some fucking appointment.. or bill to pay.. some equally insane relatives to talk to.

I do not bother my head about these things…

I watch people run around as if they have cancer (terminal), but to me it seems like they really just forgot to water their plants. Once. Why do you need so many plants?

So, you see, for all practical purposes, I have cracked immortality. I have something like 8500 days left until retirement. What.. what haven’t I done. Always wanted a boat, I guess. But the nice ones are expensive. Would I like to travel somewhere? No. I don’t…

A few weeks ago I figured out I can pee and brush my teeth simultaneously. I used to not brush my teeth at all for weeks.. sometimes. but now, I realized I do have a free hand for most of the time that I am peeing. So I can be slightly more presentable. Remember that? We always get what we need. But not always what we want. Peeing, in the bathroom is a pretty hard requirement. Everything else is kind of a wish-list item. I don’t really see what I get out of it.

What. what are we Really here for? I watched one of the movies about Yogananda recently. As the prospective disciple bows, the great Guru asks if he struggles with Sex, Wine or Money.

No, sir. Not a problem at all. if there’s money, I usually buy Sex. And wine. Hehe. He didn’t say that. I did.

No, I suppose I’m not monk material. But I always had some suspicion that there must be some logic behind all the insanity I see. In the mind of God, at some quantum level, if you go far enough back.. or deep into the cells and atoms, maybe I’ll figure something out and things will make sense. Maybe I’ve got to help the person I screwed over 7 lifetimes ago. and THEN I would feel complete and satisfied. But where is this person? I need a sign.

Time to go see the Doctor, I guess.

imdb.com/title/tt3197802/

books, life, relationships, school, society, solitude, writing

Time flies….

Posted on October 30, 2024November 14, 2024 by Dmitry

So Philip Zimbardo died earlier this month. I also had sort of a near death experience.. if you follow my other publication.. well maybe you know. Seemed like a trap. really seemed like some kind of trap to me. Thought I’d catch a ride on a freight train.. always wanted to do it. anyway. you probably want to JUMP OFF the thing maybe before it starts goin over 20 miles per hour or so. it won’t be a soft landing…..

I do.. I really do have to get going on finishing up this little project. My work.. no, Hobby the past 10 years has been the collecting of quotes.. and Im up to 3230 so far. And I suppose it is time to pare down the list to just the ones.. I really cannot live without. Let’s say Elon Musk figures out how to augment your brain and working memory and stuff.. and really makes us all.. Wiser? let’s say it works out. and I wake up in the morning. And I want to download a list of things TO REMEMBER. every single day. let’s say it’s a list of 365 little reminders.. then I suppose this would be my list. You might have seen these little meditation books that are popular with people who Used to use drugs.. or Christians.. both. anyway.

If you’ve got Strong ties to Hazelden publishing, maybe put in a good word?

I decided to give myself an Education I missed out on.. when I was busy boozing at UM. Didn’t even get laid. Fucking unbelievable. I don’t know how they get away with this shit.

I thought I had KILLER title when I first tried doing this a few years ago. but.. the list grew. this’ll probably be published in 3 parts.. 120 – 120 & 125. perhaps I’ll shuffle them around a bit later. I do realize this first one here is quite a bit biased toward Male authors.. all I can say is.. I sort for powerful ideas.. that resonate (with me). But.. I know. I know I’ll try to add some Diversity later… I think I’ll limit each author to 3 appearances.

So, here it is. Have another drink from my.. Fire Hydrant. heh.

The fact that you have unlimited texts does not necessarily mean that you cannot stop talking: Meditations for recovery from the compulsive behavior of your choice.

If you put good apples into a bad situation, you’ll get bad apples – ZIMBARDO
A sane person to an insane society must appear insane – Kurt Vonnegut
I don’t want my past to become anyone else’s future – Elie Wiesel
A conscience is that still small voice that people won’t listen to – Carlo Collodi
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society – Krishnamurti
The most effective way to destroy people is to deny and obliterate their own understanding of their history – Orwell
Every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it – Orwell
I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion’ – Muhammad Ali
Love is giving something you don’t have to someone who doesn’t want it – J. Lacan
Apparently I lack some particular perversion which today’s employer is seeking – John Kennedy Toole.
You could tell by the way he talked, though, that he had gone to school a long time. That was probably what was wrong with him – John Kennedy Toole
If reason ruled the world would history even exist? – R. Kapuscinski
How many things have been denied one day, only to become realities the next – Jules Verne
Never attribute to malevolence what is merely due to incompetence – Arthur Clarke?
If you can’t state your position in eight words, you don’t have a position – Seth Godin
Healthy children will not fear life if their elders have integrity enough not to fear death – Erik Erikson
Being busy is a form of laziness – lazy thinking and indiscriminate action – Tim Ferriss
Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it – JK Rowling
A person you excuse from any genuine challenge is a person you do not truly respect – John McWhorter
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact – George Eliot
To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive – Robert L Stevenson
Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose – Eckhart Tolle
It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living – Eckhart Tolle
He who goes about to reform the world must begin with himself, or he loses his labor – St. Ignatius
For if you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners to be corrupted from their infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded from this, but that you first make thieves and then punish them – St. Thomas More
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts – Will Rogers
The map is not the territory – Alfred Korzybski
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away – Philip K Dick
A desk is a dangerous place from which to watch the world – David Cornwell (le Carre…)
I never think that I am the one who must see to it that cherries grow on stalks – Carl Jung
One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple – Jack Kerouac
Absence of Evidence is not Evidence of Absence – Carl Sagan
It is an ironic habit of human beings to run faster when they have lost their way – ROLLO MAY
Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something – Robert Heinlein
You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with – Jim Rohn
sooner or later she had to give up the hope for a better past – Irvin Yalom
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe – HG Wells
What really matters is what you do with what you have – HG Wells
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice – Andre Gide (or Saul bellow… hehe, I gotta look this one up again)
The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself – Bernard Malamud
All of us are prisoners, to one degree or another, of our experience – Gary Hamel
We have, as human beings, a storytelling problem. We’re a bit too quick to come up with explanations for things we don’t really have an explanation for – Malcolm Gladwell
The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men – Plato

44.. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools – Herbert Spencer (that reminds me of something…..)

45. Never complain of that of which it is at all times in your power to rid yourself – Adam Smith

46. There seems to be some perverse human characteristic that likes to make easy things difficult – Warren Buffett

47. No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true – Nathaniel Hawthorne

48. No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man – Heraclitus

49. Science cannot solve the ultimate mystery of nature. And that is because, in the last analysis, we ourselves are a part of the mystery that we are trying to solve – Max Planck

50. If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants – Isaac Newton

51. Integrity has no need of rules – Albert Camus

52. He who loves the more is the inferior and must suffer – Thomas Mann

53. To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment – Emerson

54. Prejudices are what fools use for reason – Voltaire

55. ..our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers – M. Scott Peck

56. To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible – Aquinas

57. None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free – Goethe

58. It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness – Tolstoy

59. We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light – Plato??

60. To find fault is easy; to do better may be difficult – Plutarch

61. To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail – Maslow

62. If the essential core of the person is denied or suppressed, he gets sick sometimes in obvious ways, sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes immediately, sometimes later – Maslow

63. We’re developing a new citizenry. One that will be very selective about cereals and automobiles, but won’t be able to think – Rod Serling

64. One of the advantages of being disorganized is that one is always having surprising discoveries – AA Milne

65. Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important – Stephen Covey

66. All language is but a poor translation – Kafka

67. Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate – Carl Jung

68. We are not rich by what we possess but by what we can do without – Kant

69. It is very difficult also to sacrifice one’s suffering. A man will renounce any pleasures you like but he will not give up his suffering – GI Gurdjieff

70. My destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing – Proust

71. No matter how thin you slice it, there will always be two sides – Spinoza?

72. It’s necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live – Dumas

73. If the Martians ever find out how human beings think, they’ll kill themselves laughing – ALBERT ELLIS

74. Humility is the awareness that there’s a lot you don’t know and that a lot of what you think you know is distorted or wrong – David Brooks

75. The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere – Anne Lindbergh

76. Beauty fades, dumb is forever – Judge Judy

77. Non nobis solum nati sumus (I think that’s something about Selfishness..) – Cicero

78. The more we love someone, the less we flatter them; it is by excusing nothing that true love shows itself – Moliere

And that’s about it for today. Uh. Yeah, a little short of my goal. But. We’ll see. We’ll see if I can come up with another 290 meaningful quotations from the Master list… Left some question marks when I was unsure about authorship… That might be a challenge if we want to get it all right.

To be Continued.

365… There are only two ways of telling the complete truth–anonymously and posthumously – Thomas Sowell.

books, communication, life, money, relationships, school, society, travel, value, work

LOSS PREVENTION

Posted on January 22, 2024 by Dmitry

I really did go back to Dresden with Guggenheim money (God love it) in 1967. It looked a lot like Dayton, Ohio…
Kurt Vonnegut

Guggenheim money is chump change, these days. What I really want is that Macarthur grant. 800k over 5 years, isn’t it?

ya, I think I deserve it.

So the topic here is… Stealing. Theft.

I think it was back when I read the Kite Runner. A character there said… any crime… or sin… can be expressed as a form of Theft. I think that’s about right… as I recall.

Retail fraud. hehe

I think there’s now an entire industry out there for coming up with New words for things that are pretty obvious…. I think I’d be good at that.

Where do I sign up?

Now what about a man’s life? My life, for instance.

I guess if I were a more enthusiastic Sociologist… or anthropologist, or something… I guess I would apply for some grants or some shit… to go back to Russia… track down my 1st grade class (I have a picture somewhere…) in Samara… and I would compare it… to the MS class here (Norup), for instance. Emma Czarnecki. Yep. She died… didn’t she? Why. I dunno. I heard things… But I don’t really know.

I’m just saying. I would track down all the people, and I would ask some basic questions. Like. ARE THEY STILL ALIVE? That’s one. Then maybe I would ask. Did they have a reasonable opportunity to start a family? I don’t know what that means, exactly, but the words sound about right.

God knows I worked a lot. But I don’t think I had a reasonable opportunity to start a family. So I would look at some of these… metrics, and then I would say. Well if they’re pretty close… across the US and Russia… then why the fuck did you drag me here? Why?

Yes… yes I know Russia was kind of Rough in the 90s… but. shit. Look at all the shit I had to go through here… just to get through… College… hehe. and for what fucking purpose? Why?

And let’s go back to Jim Smith, for a minute. Ya. that one. The Labor department Smith.

there was a situation. He wanted me to apply an Exemption that didn’t exist.

Exemptions are narrowly construed, as an employer must prove that the employees fit “plainly and unmistakably” within the exemption’s terms
Wiki??

An employee was supposed to get 5,000 in back wages, by my calculations.

And Jim Smith said no. We’re not gonna make the EMPLOYER pay for this shit.

I think he was serious.

And I say. WHY? Jim, you had me study THE LAW, for the past 3 months. Why are you trying to grant the employer an EXEMPTION that doesn’t exist? Why? Clearly, there’s no exemption here, because, One the employee was paid by the hour, and Two, he was mostly performing manual labor. The fact that he was making 100k alone doesn’t grant an exemption in this case.

That was the law last time I read it.

We’re supposed to be protecting the EMPLOYEES here, aren’t we? What the fuck are you doing?

You’re about to allow 5,000 DOLLARS of wage theft. Why the fuck are you doing this?

and, more importantly, how many times have you Done this, over the course of your career?

You fucking piece of shit.

Well I think eventually I won that argument.

But why was there a fucking argument in the first place?

Why? Are you role playing? You should tell me, Jim, if we are role-playing.

Seemed to me like you were pretty serious about that one, for a while.

Ya. I know. I know you fucking remember. Scumbag.

America is a fucking shithole. Stop dragging people here.

Stop.

but, while I am here, I urge all readers, to writer letters to the WHD at the US Dol, so I can finally go back to doing my work. Please.

https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd

Off topic

babies, communication, life, love, money, news, relationships, religion, school, society, value, work

the Beginning.

Posted on December 25, 2023 by Dmitry

I have to constantly remind myself that I play the game on a different level.

if some dumb bitch does not know for sure that she wants to make my babies

then I really don’t give a shit.

that’s one of the most valuable lessons I took from Russia. I had a girlfriend. I really did. She said my Mom was to be her Mother in law.

and I won’t forget. I’ll never forget that this is what Russia had for me. And America got me nothing. just a bunch of Random, BULLSHIT work. Fuck you. And Booze. I won’t complain about the booze, I guess. I love booze.

Who won the cold war. who knows. maybe no one. The ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS textbook says victors only Seem to win. it also says Visual proof is pretty weak proof… of anything.

But the world will always crave Beauty, will it not?

Birth control? Well I don’t know. I can’t say it is bad altogether.

But… but I am perfectly happy to see Russia aligning with the more traditional cultures… China… South America… maybe India, where they do seem to acknowledge the idea that something happens to a Man’s motivation when he finds out his beautiful 25 year old bride has actually had something like 20 to 30 other men’s Cocks already inside her.

Hmmm. Ya, I’m gonna say something’s wrong with that. Something just doesn’t feel right…

I won’t hide it. I suppose this is my little dating advertisement. It’s right here.

I’m 6’2 / 160 pounds maybe… I don’t eat much.

I run a 3 hour marathon.

Great education (Ross school of business)

I speak 2.5 languages.

So, I don’t know what else you ladies could possibly want. I tried getting a job First before. I tried that already. That didn’t work out. It did not work out for some reason. I can be a lying piece of shit at the US Labor department. I cant do this. It doesn’t take long for them to just give me some bullshit job where I cant be a lying piece of shit, who doesn’t know what is going on around him. that’s basically what they look for, I think. From my experience.

Jurgen Habermas… for some reason I really love this lecture –

babies, books, communication, life, news, relationships, school, society, war, work

London.

Posted on October 20, 2023 by Dmitry

Of course, I would never go against England because I was Basically raised on James Bond and the Hobbit. even in Russia. Why? Im not sure why….

And thats why this whole UK / Ukraine / Russia war seems unbelievable to me…

and I spent the last 10 years playing Runescape.

I think my great challenge in life has been to understand this Spiritual awakening thing some people like Eckhart Tolle talk about

Yes, I think it is real. and I think I had something like it. and I think it takes a lot of pain.

Love? yes. I love many people. Some of them are men and some of them are women

Bisexual? I would rather not put people into categories… like that.

I like to fuck girls, and talk to men…. how about that?

Alan Turing. Well. You know I keep hearing different versions of that story.

I believe the idea Today is more about who gets to make the babies… more than how to kill them, do you understand?

There are Elves out there who keep changing history. Really. they’re out there.

Sometimes they talk about “chemical castration” and sometimes… its suicide or something else.

I suspect what really happened is he got put into witness protection somewhere… and some BS got made up about what really happened. And maybe we did get to turn the war around because of him at Stalingrad.

Who the fuck really knows anymore. Right?

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2084970/

books, charity, life, money, relationships, religion, solitude, work

You will never like me more than you like me now… a tribute to New Orleans.

Posted on October 3, 2023 by Dmitry

economics is about how people make choice, sociology is about how they don’t have any choice to make…
Russell?

this is the start of something beautiful….

Ya fella lookin for work?

No, sir, no I am not. I Am looking for money, usually. and work always seems to get in the way, doesn’t it?

I’ll be conducting a sociological / economic experiment this winter. I’m going to find an intersection, somewhere in New Orleans. I’ll grow my beard out. I’ll have a large sign that says. Please Help. God Bless. I just want to see if I can make more money than the minimum wage just sitting there. for a couple of hours every morning. I’ve been thinking about this for a while. Weather’s supposed to be nice. I’m gonna get a tent. I’m going to see if I can make it through the winter. Just livin’ off nature’s land… and asking commuters for money. and what do you really need if you don’t worry about lodging? you want your cuppa coffee, right? You want a decent lunch, I guess. and the rest of the dough you can spend at some bar at night. Right? Just wanna see if I can make it.

A few days ago, an idea popped into my head that I should write a story about a suicidal hypochondriac with a touch of OCD… who’s also an alcoholic. And then I thought. oh wait a minute, that’s just me…

If you dont work THE STEPS… You’ll be living in a van down by the river. – attributed to Chris Farley?

Years ago, one of these ex-sponsors gave me this warning. And today. 12 years after rehab, thousands of MEETINGS later, I’m beginning to think. I’ll take that deal. I just hope there’s a real van down there by the river. When I get there. I guess I should pick up a tent at Walmart on the way. I know they have alligators around there somewhere. I gotta ask about that. That’s something I’m going to try to avoid.

I’m going to pack. Im going to put on that Christian cross I have stashed away somewhere. For times like this. I’m not making fun of religion. I’m really not. I am not anti-religious. See, thinking back to all the times I was close to death gives me… some kind of meaning. no, not meaning. But I guess belief, that maybe things do happen for a reason. Maybe God’s not done with me yet. But I don’t know. I just don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to be doing here. What haven’t I tried, God? I think I tried everything… within reason.

New Orleans has been at the top of my Bucket list for years. I don’t even know why. I have absolutely nothing to do with New Orleans. I guess it’s supposed to be warm. The hottest girl I’ve ever met went to Tulane. I believe she said she had no choice… hehe. I guess I like Cajun food. I like that Jambalaya. it’s good stuff. Oh, and I guess there’s the movies. Easy Rider… Runaway Jury… Deja Vu with Denzel. What else is there. Sonny… hehe. that’s a good one. And there’s the one about vampires with Brad Pitt, right? All very good New Orleans pictures. IN BOBBY LONG, the narrator says… this town’s some kind of… Siren, right? and I do believe it finally seduced me… The Big Easy. I’ve got to check it out. Oh, Isn’t that where J K. Toole was from? Yep. That’s right. 31 years old. the man made a dent in the universe, for sure.

So I get my sign. I find an intersection. And what happens? Oh. 35 bucks after two hours. Saturday morning. You might think Sunday’s the day. It’s church day. But no. nooo. Sunday’s the day they dread Monday. they don’t want the kids to see people like me getting free money. you know? But Saturday. saturday’s the day to seek charity. You see, they still think they’re free. hehe. That’s when they’re generous. They think they’re free….

I’ve been doing this a while now. I guess it’s fair to say this is par for the course. I dont know what the laws really are that regulate this kind of uh… occupation. Sometimes someone will yell get a job. or a cop will throw you a 10 and ask you to find another location for the rest of the day… or week. But. hey. the preachers do it. I’m just more honest about it… I think…

So. yes. I’ll have my lunch. And I’ll go to Audubon park. And then I’ll find the dive where I’ll be exchanging the rest of this money for… heh poison?

Oh look it’s a girl. No. No I will not take your number. Not tonight.

You see, I promise you that you’ll never like me more than you like me now. So let’s just get it over with. Look at me. I shaved… this week. I just got a job at the docks. I’m no more than 5 drinks in, and your best friend just fucked your other best friend. So what the fuck are we waiting for? We will never have a more perfect moment.

and she is convinced. The stars align. we walk a couple blocks. find her place. she hands me another beer, and lights a candle.

The End.

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Waiting for Marshmallows. A book about Freedom

Posted on May 16, 2023May 16, 2023 by Dmitry

Shores, an Introduction.
I started to work on this like 20 days ago. I figured I’d make it a little summer project of mine. I’ll do what they tell you to do. Force yourself to Shit out a number of words. each day. Until you hit 40.000 or so. Then you go back and edit. And I’ll post it on Amazon. No one will ever say I never ran a 3-hour marathon. And no one will ever say I never wrote a novel. Novella, I guess.

But fuck it, I’m tired and I think I’ve said enough. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve still got resentments, and I’m tired, but it’s only 5000 words. Easy for you, easy for me. I like Things that I can read in one night.

Life is lived between the shores of Childhood and retirement.

There. that’s poetic. The shores of Childhood and Retirement. I want to write a great book. that’s original. mind-blowing. revolutionary. but I cannot. I’m not good enough. At least, I hope this little thing will be therapeutic. After about 30, I started thinking… how many days do I still have until retirement? Why is it taking so long? The longer I’m unemployed, the more diagnoses I seem to accumulate. My first therapist… who I saw for like a year just told me to stop drinking and get a job. Ain’t that fucking complicated. Then he said he didn’t say that. But I’m pretty sure he did.

George. you fucking Gaslighter. at least he didn’t say I’m crazy.

Other people started saying I’m kind of crazy though. One dude said ADHD. Next guy said Bipolar. If I keep going, I bet I can get on the Aspie scale too. that seems popular. But I dunno. I kinda looked into it, and I think I’m pretty good with metaphors. Usually. Why did the girl get the job? well ya know… she had a couple of big qualifications up front. it took a minute… but I understand. Do you understand?

So, getting back to this life business. Living life. I guess I do see some of that ADHD stuff. Could be. I got through college. that seemed like some kind of finish line. To make my daddy proud. he thought there’s real good schools in America. I disagree. and then I did get a job. and I was just kind of starring at my work. All day. And I was like 22 and I never got any pussy. I don’t know. Either it’s ADHD or I was just extremely fucking tired. and I didn’t know what to do next. Why? I didn’t want to deal with all this shit anymore. the Lying fucking boss. the dysfunctional parents. I guess I had an assumption. A vision… or expectation of what life would be. And this wasn’t it.

I saw I was being led toward a cage. A nice cage… maybe. But still a cage, with rules, and clocks, and lots of Silly people. And I said, fuck it. This ain’t a life.

Maybe it’s for the better. do you need someone… to hold… and to talk to? to blame and yell at. if you’re real creative, you’ll make some babies real soon, and start making them feel guilty for your shit too. We’re all like a mountain lake. We need a source, and an outflow. We need someone else to fill up with our nonsense. Our prejudices, our bad habits, our favorite fucking movies… and recipes.

But I’m a writer now, see? I get to disseminate my bullshit on an industrial scale.

Psychologist Walter Mischel who passed away a few years ago did this experiment… Many are familiar with it. If you can delay gratification, you get more treats and higher SAT scores. I’m butchering it, I know, but I wonder if anyone thought of using it as an ADHD diagnostic tool. Because I can wait. Ohh, I can definitely wait. and wait and wait. I’m a Pro at waiting. And they still didn’t give me any marshmallows. They said waiting is good, right? As I recall, they never said that I also have to start doing stuff.

They say ADHD kids can’t sit still. But ADHD adults can’t get shit done.

Something like that. Remember. Doctors also used to prescribe cocaine and cigarettes. True story.

2 things motivate your ass out of ADHD paralysis.

you need a challenge and you need a deadline.

Weiki is a challenge.

Weiki is the only notable alumni from our new and mildly prestigious public magnet school in Southeast Michigan. According to Wikipedia. I feel like we should be doing better by now…

She went to Harvard and wrote a novel. I can do better than Weiki. I find her writing weak and tame. Tame means domesticated. But, grammatically correct and socially acceptable.

Jesus, did she sell movie rights too? Fuck now I’m jealous.

Half her book is a brain dump of science facts. Anything to get that word count, right Weiki? Part I ends with a marriage proposal. I don’t think I’m going to finish Part II…

Weiki’s probably never been to jail but she knows nothing of life outside an institution. Institutions. Institution of Harvard… Institution of Marriage. Institution of Wal-mart. Institution of a Taxi. That’s a good one. It’s hard to get out of… institutions, isn’t it? I guess that’s where the world is headed.

China…

You show up. You get what you get. And be grateful. But… But everyone wants a little more than they deserve. Don’t we?

I’ve decided novels are usually a just a time killer. Which is why I’ll probably write only one. Sort of novel. You get maybe three or four nuggets of wisdom in there. Maybe. And then you forget all about it next month. If you have a job, especially. I don’t. I mean, what the hell was I reading in Middle school?

Rainbow 6 and House of Leaves. House of leaves. There was a house… and a movie… Were there ghosts? and sometimes the text was all over the place. And in different colors. The cover looked pretty cool. But what’s the point? What the hell’s the point?

Weiki and I both know… if you’re gonna make it in Science or math, you’ll do it by about 30. Even then… you’re already getting dumber, it turns out. I first heard that idea in a Michael Crichton film… Sphere (1998). There was a book too. I wasn’t ever good at that stuff to begin with. Same for many athletes, of course. I heard that when I was like 12… damn. Not much time left, huh? To make a dent… in the Universe. I suppose writers usually peak after 30. Life experience kind of helps.

And then… then you just use more and more words to say things that are uninteresting. That’s what I’m trying to avoid. But, pretty soon AIs will probably be taking over Novel writing, too. And Cameras will replace historians… and so on. Brave New World!

Part I

Dean Karnazes – I started running to escape the memories that drinking couldn’t cover up.

It’s the worst April that I can remember…. some nights are still around Freezing this year.

The day begins with a crisis. I can’t help it. happens at least once a year. Worst day of the year. 7 AM. you’re out for a run. you’re almost 3 miles in. 22 minutes or so. you forgot to take a dump before leaving. you look around for options. there’s some bushes and trees by the railroad. there might still be a plastic John about a mile away by the construction site. can you make it? fuck. fuck fuk fuk. You’ve got to make a choice. Pick something. you do what you gotta do. what a relief. What a fucking victory. No witnesses. the worst is over. Let the day begin.

I run because it helps me sleep. Sleep has something to do with mania and depression. I think it’s better to sleep. Also. it’s one of those solid, quantifiable disciplines where it’s easy to be honest with yourself about how you’re doing. There’s no way to bullshit yourself out of running 26 miles. You either do it, or you don’t. Last time I finished a marathon I was in the top 100 out of a thousand finishers. That’s pretty good. It’s not super. I wouldn’t call it great. But, pretty good.

Boston. And I need to finish this fucking book before I run Boston.

II. “Not a hotbed of mental health.” (Anon)

Thought I almost died 3 times today.

On the freeway. Crazy people. and I’m completely sober.

that’s another thing you hear a lot in the rooms. Almost died like… Seventy times. Twelve DUIs!!

Some people do literally die… from Heroin I guess. For a while. And then they wake up. sometimes.

I guess I began to get the message. you better stop this shit, or you’re gonna die.

You’re gonna die!!!!!

Well what if that’s not the message…?

what if the message is…. you go when you go. and Alcohol has very little to do with it.

No, I really think it’s the first one.

SO… when you’re out of friends and out of money, or maybe get a DUI, you find yourself a local Aa directory and start drinking coffee in church basements. Like 5 times a week. Really.

AA has been my port of call for a decade. I’ve tried to do a little bit of it… it’s some kind of weird mind Aikido… or Jiu-jitsu. perhaps martial arts is not a good analogy. Anyway. Once I tried to sum it up in a sentence. and it sounds to me like.

You’re a bad person, pray to God.

Because… well, that’s what it says. it tells you to look at your role in everything you hate about the world. Everything. And it says well CLEAN UP THE STREET. Your side, of the street. I say, you go first, buddy.

I used to go to a Group around here that’s some strange version of the Solomon Asch experiment. Really. this is what they’d say. they say Well, if two people give you the same advice, you think real hard about it. And, shit, if 3 people tell you the same thing, you better go and do it. JUST DO IT!!! I forget if they give you any guidance on how to choose your 3 people…

Of course I stopped going… to that one… but apparently they still have some “Sober” people there. I anticipate serious problems with implementing that Philosophy, also. What can I say? If it works… it works. I’m not that masochistic.

Oh, and here’s another one. They keep saying they’re not a religion. Ha ha ha. Well, perhaps you use different words, but just read what it says. It says God a lot… doesn’t it? It says confess. It says carry the message. Sounds an awful lot like missionary work. Pray… They almost always rent space from Churches. I dunno. Smells a lot like Religion to me. I wouldn’t call it a form of exercise, for instance. But what else do you really need for a religion?

Alcoholism means you drink when you don’t want to. Great. now what the hell does that mean? And what are we going to do about it…

I have a theory… that it’s some combination of Thirst, anxiety, and depression. And booze just seems to do the job!

For a while. One fella I know drinks insane amounts of Mountain Dew. Often, I catch him dragging multiple shopping carts into the recycle center. Overflowing with plastic bags filled with cans and bottles. of Non-alcoholic beverages. He’s in recovery… I guess he found a way that works.

We drink because of lies and injustice. Sometimes they do it to us. Sometimes we do it to them. Lies and injustice.

What the hell is a spiritual awakening? Well, I suppose it happens sometimes.

you go back to those early days. Hopefully you can remember. Remember learning to tie your shoes in kindergarten? remember being mean to that mute girl, maybe?

Ever steal your friends’ toys. Bet you did. And if you dig, and dig, and dig some more, and keep digging. and see what a piece of shit you’ve been. since Kindergarten. It’s really important. There’s probably some compounding going on. In the back of your mind. From all that little shit. You’ve got to remember.

then one day, you step outside. and you do feel, perhaps a load comes off your back.

Perhaps you feel nauseous.

but the struggle is over. the pain is gone. Not all of it. But most of it… Something like that.

when the pain gets bad enough, you know what you have to do. That’s the process, I think. But no one can make you do it.

is this a good thing?

Well. Eckhart T. says it was so Delicious he didn’t mind being homeless for a few years. that’s the story.

D. R. Hawkins writes, in Letting Go, if you get to the level of Peace, which is one of the higher states in his… philosophy, you will no longer be controlled or manipulated. that’s kind of what we’re looking for, I guess.

Easy? Probably not….

Me? no. not a Saint, unfortunately. I still get some sick pleasure out of feeling sorry for myself. Often. It’s fucking weird. there’s something that I’m missing… something’s not quite right….

I think we had another breakthrough, recently. the man says he spent 40 years drinking… and I know that I gotta decide. Should I be jealous? or should I be grateful? Both? Because I only got 7 or so… years of Real drinking.

there’s another man who looks about 55. he looks like he’s always tries to put on a happy face. tries too hard. He says he’s grateful. Is he? He’s here because his wife was going to leave him. He has to go to work.

And there’s this woman who says… I don’t know what I’ll be when I grow up. And everyone laughs.

Because she’s like 55.

How long will your parents put up with you?

Probably until they die.

Victims and takers don’t make it. you’ve got to learn to be useful. being useful without fucking shit up may be difficult.

All the beer… all the beer I had to drink… because some moron in AA thought he knows God’s will for me. Big trap. Big, big trap. We’re goin on a Trip… a Power trip. Noun – self-aggrandizing quest for ever-increasing control over others.

III. The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults. (Peter De Vries)

A date story. Mostly fictional… hehe.

it’s a date. We agreed to have coffee at the little cafe a block away from the church after the Noon meeting. Something came back to me from my last sponsor…. stop helping young girls Out of recovery. don’t date for a year. Watch 28 Days with Sandra Bullock, and don’t date for a year! Get a pet first… And stop drinking.

I was thinking of handing out business cards…

I am looking for a loyal and courageous girl who’ll cheerfully see me through more sprees. If that’s something you’re interested in, I guess I can focus more on your inner beauty, also.

Or… Working steps 5 & 13 with young girls in Early recovery.

Anyway, I need this sex thing to make sense at least once. And I’m afraid the only way it ever will is if I pay for it. With cash. Today.

Yes, probably.

So you selling?

No, I play the long game. I like to tear your heart out years or months later.

Well that’s good. It’s good that you know that about yourself… most people don’t have that level of insight.

So what is it that you find so complicated…?

One night stands are great… everyone’s usually drunk. Girl usually runs away in the morning. Sometimes I miss them.

or sometimes you’re that rebound guy. you know? it’s another one of those… interesting situations. it’s not special sex. it’s just… uh. well just Random sex, I guess. We know this is not going to last. both of us. we both know this. And then we move on. Maybe still friends. but probably not…

then you meet someone… like this. and you’re serious. You’re done. This is the one. But then again some fuck up happens. Someone has to move. or the EX comes back at precisely the wrong moment. see what I mean? it just never, ever, ever makes sense.

I guess some things you gotta get right the first time…. or you’re in for a life of torture. But how often does it really work out that way? That it’s just you, and her. and you know you’ll be together forever. Even though you don’t know shit and you’re both like… 20.

I think it’s always torture… so you think you’re really done drinking now?

Why? Why do you care? This isn’t a long-term thing we’re discussing here. You’re a 6.5. You’re like Jordan Peterson’s daughter. A six is a girl you’d have sex with, sober. But that’s about it. it’s not something you want to see… again and again. Plus, you have to plan ahead. What will this look like 5 years from now? Probably not gonna get any better, you know? what’s the point? why am I doing this…..

What I hate the most is all the fucking personification. Don’t get into the ring with Alcohol! Beer wants to kill you. It’s out there. Waiting. Waiting to Kick your Ass! Beer. Beer will kick your ass, you pussy.

I guess it does seem a little mysterious and magical… how people can develop this relationship with this thing called Ethanol, Mr. C2H6o. It doesn’t always break your heart. Seems the liver’s first to go, if you drink long enough… Some counselors like to call it a Romance. I had a fun night with my best friends… Jack, Johnnie, and Jim B. And so on.

The phenomenon of craving that they talk about. Is that like missing someone? I don’t know. I guess you can argue there are similarities. I don’t even know what the fuck that means, to be honest. I miss you. I MISS YOU! people say it so much, but it’s probably an entirely different chemical process. I know what it feels like to need a beer. And it’s a lot worse than Missing someone. But I hear they have groups for that too. Love addicts. Is that where you go when someone takes out a restraining order?

Don’t love too much. hehe. In fact, maybe you should stop altogether!

Well, you’re not really a Clooney impersonator, either you know. Do you even go to the dentist? Ever? So am I closer to a Six or a 7, honestly? And what would be an 8?

Jessica Alba in sin city is an 8. 2005. If she had more tits, she could be a solid 9. but. no tits. Not enough, anyway.

So, East or West coast? I need to get out of this hell hole.

Never been west of Austin. And I hate California, without even going there. I can’t stand actors. I’ve met too many actors. People pleasers. Ass kissers. I always say. You ain’t paying me enough to be an actor. I’m not a child. I’m not here to be nice to people I don’t like.

Of course… if I really could do what I wanted I guess I’d move back to Philly. The old 19103. I finally started having sex. With people. And I think I had a friend. I owe him 200 dollars. I had the most amazing year. But then the drugs and stuff…. kicked my ass, I guess, went off the rails a bit.

Personification. It’s a sin.

Yeah? And then how do you plan to support yourself?

I don’t know. I’m praying really hard. Maybe something will work out. I’m writing the Great American novel.

You’re Russian.

Being American’s about loving Freedom. and I love freedom…

the hardest, and most important thing about Freedom, is you have to leave people alone… they have Meetings for that, too by the way. Co-dependents anonymous. Sometimes I wish my parents would get on a program, but then I realize if they find out they’re codependent, I might not have a place to live. It’s not like I’m taking hostages. they love me too much, or maybe just feel guilty about fucking me up. or something. I don’t really understand it. I don’t think it’s a healthy thing… to get enmeshed… with the Cheeldren. you’ve got to learn to leave people alone.

So mind your own business? You need to write a book about that?

Uh. Sure, sort of. For some reason it seemed more profound a few seconds ago, in my head. and you? What’s your great ambition in life? What did you do in college?

French and Psychology. or maybe it was just French psychology. I don’t recall. My shrink says better be alone than in a bad relationship. And I’m still not impressed. I gotta go to work.

So you want to watch a movie or something? You said you’re going to the 8 o’clock, right??

What are you thinking?

Glass Castle. with Woody Harrelson.

IV. In the animal kingdom, the rule is, eat or be eaten; in the human kingdom, define or be defined (Thomas Szasz)

Seems both communists and capitalists like to say that Freedom is their main goal. Ultimate destination. Liberation of Mankind!

in practice, unfortunately, everyone seems to try to make you work too much. Yes, everyone. Even the Americans say. Well, freedom isn’t free. Freedom isn’t Free!

that always worried me.

Well hold on a minute. Hold on.
How much do I have to work exactly to get a little bit of “freedom” here?

How much? Can I get a better deal somewhere else??

What if what you call Freedom is really more like Human flourishing? what if your real goal is to reach your potential? I’m afraid you do have to suffer quite a bit if you want to reach that potential, don’t you? And any suffering to me seems pretty inconsistent with Freedom. And both Freedom and Flourishing have very little to do with establishing an employment relationship… this I believe!

I guess, after many years, it seems US jails are kind of like the Sweet spot.
you probably aren’t going to get laid. but there’s food, free movies, and you can play cards and stuff. Read books.

on a more serious note, there is an often overlooked spiritual component here.

Peace of mind. freedom from… anxiety and worry. What if you’ve got all the shit you want… but you’re still suicidally depressed?

happens sometimes, seriously. Freedom. yes. someday I gotta write a book about freedom

I remember in high school, we had some class where they would talk about how many thousands of dollars it would take to raise a child up to college. Economics? It was an insane number. Not even counting college. Why were we talking about that I wonder. were they trying to deter teen pregnancy? Were they trying to make us appreciate our parents? I don’t know.

But today… I am going to explore Walmart. You can get everything at the Walmart.

What would a kid need? Video games… candy. School supplies. Hehe. A couple of bicycles. Fishing rods? I remember some fishing trips.

Stop right there. Let’s use this opportunity to process trauma. Holidays and camping trips were great fun. Great time for parents to let off steam. I can’t believe this isn’t considered a Disease yet. This thing where we’re approaching a happy moment. What should be a happy moment. and this is the time. this is the time when they need to start uh… discussing things. Digging up shit on each other. Loud. And you can’t chop would, you fucking moron. and so on. That is the disease, isn’t it?

But first you gotta get a picture taken. Look happy kid, will ya?

Instead we’re all busy treating the Symptoms of THAT disease. hehehe. OMG. I love it. Loving this. Everything has a therapeutic purpose.

And how about some shoes? Okay.

Forget it, we’ll go to DSW for the shoes. 70 dollars or something.

Yes, it does add up, doesn’t it?

Steel Reserve. 1.48 / 1.67 after deposit and tax.

I do believe that’s the best deal in town.

Am I happy? Of course I am. 3 of those bad boys and I know I won’t be sad till tomorrow.

V. his view is about the destiny of the human race on this planet. about whether we will ever learn to make sense, or whether we’ll just keep making money and madness. it’s a real big question (Rick Roderick on Herbert Marcuse, 1993)

God said this: From this moment on, He will punish horribly anybody who torments a bum who has no connections (Kurt Vonnegut)

I was already a comedy connoisseur in high school. Leno was better than Letterman, and George Carlin of course was the best.

Carlin’s dead. Leno’s retired. I don’t really give a shit about Letterman. Probably retired, too. Jimmy Dore’s about as good it gets these days. Someone said… I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government. true. Who actually said it I can’t figure out. Several possible authors.

People do change, I suppose. And at some point, everything became funny to me. Really, Everything.

Maybe it’s that spiritual awakening thing. What was it? this escape into humor. Just a coping mechanism I guess. Nothing better to do… But yes. I did love the Tonight show. in those days.

this Privacy thing really is a serious topic, I guess. With enough technological advancement, I suppose it is inevitable that privacy disappears. And maybe someday we do reach an “End” of history. Whether it’s NSA… some 8 year old’s iPhone…. or both.

Someone’s always watching. If we do know, for sure, the facts. Facts. What was said. What was done. We can finally get a grip on what really is intended. And what motives drive decisions. World War 1? Wwii? We can only guess, I guess. Seems like the Good guys won, for now…

The question is, who gets to see everything? And, as the Romans said, who will watch the watchers?

At some point, after 30… I began to get this feeling that, yes I am actually living through History.

And things happen. And things get written down. And things are Taught.

But things are rarely what they seem.

I often wonder, for example, what really was 911? and what do they teach about it? in History departments. Pretty sure it was High School Sophomore year for me. Instead of class, we watched television, of course. That, I definitely remember.

These days… The best explanation I heard, was Ilhan Omar.

Some people did something. Brilliant. And 100 percent true.

Some people. Did something. Apparently, some people died, too. If you do enough digging, you see all kinds of… Entities being blamed for 911. Some say planes were remote-controlled. Some say Buildings were rigged to be knocked down. And who the hell really knows. Who are we supposed to believe?

The US itself… possible, I guess. A few middle east actors. I read or heard somewhere that only 3 countries had enough “intelligence” to pull off that stunt. US, UK, and Israel. But why?

And I suppose I wonder why no one cared to offer USSR as a possibility. Sure, it ended, they say, 10 years before. But unlike these 3, USSR actually was an Adversary, wasn’t it? I guess if Russia really figured out how to start a war with Ukraine, that’s not a real solid theory, either. Anyone my age or older from that part of the world must be really, really confused.

Nope. we’re still not done with this War shit, huh? Last I heard, the Pope offered Zelensky a peace plan.

and Ukraine refused… yes, I suppose this may take a while.

And it is very unlikely that “Osama” could launch a cruise missile into the Pentagon. Oh wait, was it really a plane? I don’t know, I guess. I wasn’t there, was I? But the “Osama” version seems to be an unlikely theory… if you ask me.

What’s true, is that people did begin to lose Rights… as Ilhan said. And the government probably did add a few more money-sucking, dysfunctional departments. And there’s probably no going back from that. The scary version, is that people really don’t know what the fuck happened.

I think it’s a sin to know the truth, or at least to know that you don’t know, yet offer fairy tales, and call it History.

History really should be something else…

Edward Snowden says…. we act less free under observation.

Whitney Cummings says hey, at least people behave.

Lindsay Lohan… well. heh. yes I always think about Lindsay here. She wrote a song about privacy. Look it up.

Ultimately, the genre here is fiction… I’m not that smart. They don’t tell me everything.

There will be a time… someday. Where we’ll never have that opportunity to lie and get away with it. I hope it happens soon.
And all the news channels and the Googles and Yahoos will scream, real loud. That man’s a liar. What he said isn’t true. I hope that’s where we’re going. We have to confess our sins. Or have them be confessed for us…

And I hope that applies to other people, too.

the best class I had since High School, was the…

1993 Rick Roderick lectures – self under siege.

It was a strange experience, listening to this big Texas fella, at Duke, explaining European Marxist philosophers.

Seems like an odd thing to be doing… in 1993, after communism was apparently defeated….

My mom’s analysis of the Soviet collapse was something like… well people just got lazy. No one wanted to do shit. I don’t know if that’s historically accurate. and is it really a sign of defeat? or victory…

anyway. you can’t just do nothing forever, I guess

No, I haven’t read any Habermas… or Marcuse personally. Habermas writes in German. And Marcuse. Well, it’s mostly English, but still makes my head hurt. We’re all getting dumber, remember? I like the ending of the Essay on Liberation though.

Something about a Black girl… She said: for the first time in our life, we shall be free to think about what we are going to do.

That’s 1969. 50 years ago. Do we even have that Freedom yet?

Heard that somewhere else before. We take the time to allow ourselves the privilege of thinking.

I’d say that’s a fine definition of Freedom… to start with. I’m still waiting for my Marshmallows. Just don’t give me shit and call it sugar. Ya know? Cmon. Ya know. Yanno… I’ve got plenty of time. I can do many useful things. I can be an actor. I can implement democracy. Some people will still go out and fuck up your country real bad to “implement democracy” because it’s the right thing… Isn’t it? Some people. I’m not naming any names, but that’s what some people do.

The war…. how is this even possible? too many people. I guess. a lot of them aren’t very smart. someone pissed them off. someone gave them a gun. they got up. got dressed. and caught a bullet.

They have these Civil War reenactments in America. people pretend to have a battle. it’s all BS of course. maybe it’s one of those things. I think they had the battle of the salt mines not too long ago. Soledar? Reminds me of a certain wooden puppet. Maybe they’re playing paintball… I don’t know.

I’ve become a phenomenologist. I gotta see it to believe it.

I think that’s phenomenology. people are full of shit and the internet is full of propaganda.

who the hell really knows what’s going on in the world. or maybe it’s real. Maybe it really is important. maybe the purpose of war is to produce men like… Remarque or Vonnegut. or Ballard. or Jerzy Kosinski. But I don’t know who does the cost – benefit analysis on that. it’s time to mint some great writers… someone said. And off they went.

So, now what?

For me… I have to wear my sleeves a little longer than I’d like most days. But I understand very, very well what Dumas said…. You need to wish for death before you know how good it is to live. That makes sense to me. What does it mean exactly. I guess it means I don’t give a shit as much… I don’t have to lie.

Just remember. there are other things to do. Read a book. Watch a movie. Drink, if you have to.

and if you’re all out of options, maybe fall in love. See where that gets you.

We started by discussing Novels and Psychology. And we’re ending with meditations on Reality and Philosophy.

Psychology tries to answer the question why are you so fucked up? Philosophy tries to answer the questions… what do I know… and what am I supposed to do about it?

So I’m 35 and I’m close to not hating my parents. I’m not there yet, but I think I’m close. I’m beginning to believe maybe they do love me… sometimes, and they don’t make kids simply for the purpose of satisfying a sadistic impulse. Of producing a scapegoat… a human target… for the release of their general frustration. How do I know this? Well I guess I’ve been a man of leisure the past 10 years. Living by the grace of Mom…

Once or twice a year I get a nice vacation. To Traverse City, or the Berkshires perhaps. It’s nice. They got museums and stuff, if you’re into that sort of thing. Dubois, Melville, Edith Wharton, Norman Rockwell. Famous dead people… you know. Some times I think I’d have a better life in some “Institution” maybe a school… or Corporation. But I quickly start hating that shit. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Being nice is fucking exhausting.

I spend the rest of the night getting drunk and trying to get in touch with some old friends… I confess, I’m feeling lonely.

One ex-roommate went on to earn multiple Master’s and even a PhD in something like Education Psychology. He reminds me of Weiki. He’s found a nice little cage. With clocks, and rules, and fancy words. But what does all this shit really have to do with anything? It’s like… non alcoholic beer. This isn’t living.

Nope. I guess no one wants to chat. They also say alcoholism is a disease of loneliness. And they have MEETINGS so you can make friends… But all these people just bore and annoy me. Why don’t you go out and finish drinking. They say. Go out, and do some experimenting. If you’re not done, this ain’t for you. this… Fellowship.

I wasn’t there… I don’t know.

I wasn’t there! I don’t know!

But I guess I believe you.

Last Updated May 16, 2023

If you read to the end, and enjoyed some of this material, think about purchasing a Meditation book compiled by the same Author –

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advice, business, life, money, society, value, work

Black Americans…

Posted on May 14, 2023 by Dmitry

Sometimes I feel I must comment on this… Subject.

Honestly, I do feel lots of empathy for Black people here

I was also dragged here (America) against my will.

mostly because of Idiotic parents, but also facilitated by the US state dept. Lottery, eh? Nice.

and they all said this was a GOOD THING.

no.

Stop it. Stop dragging people here. This is not a good idea.

It’s time to stop.

Anyway. Now that we’re here.

You eventually begin to wonder how Money really works.

Some people are good at making money. Sure

But… sometimes… there are times.

The Government. decides to pull money out their ass

to protect the assets… investments… accounts of certain people… or Entitities.

They just pull money out their ass.

but. But then they turn around. and they tell you ya still gotta earn that Honest buck!

Earn the Honest buck!! in that same currency… they just pulled out their ass.

Ya gotta tell them to fuck off.

Fuck off. I didn’t even get any pussy in college.

Well. that’s what I say, Anyway. You say whatever you want.

But in that general direction.

Two Economists I follow are Chris Martenson and Aaron Clarey. They have Utubs…

Good luck.

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Mindfuckery and Geopolitics

Posted on March 4, 2023 by Dmitry

Mr David Brooks I think said writing’s about working out your own shit…. in public. and usually there’s some value in it for other people, too. I don’t think anyone in my family is Actually anti Semitic… on a good day, I think even my parents would agree that people should be judged by the content of their character…. on a case by case basis. There is ongoing discussion about what that “Content” should be… but that’s a story for another day.

they… they also say, you need to spend as much time walking out of the woods…. as you did getting lost in there. Some kind of metaphor. and Probably more or less accurate. So the mindfuckery, for me began in 1998. we’re going to America. hehe. it’s better there. that’s what they said. we won a Lottery. In 2011, I believe the mindfuckery began to end. I had a spiritual awakening. So what is that? 12 or 13 years each way. Sounds about right.

I understand that there is some confusion about what actually happened in 1991. I suppose much of the West saw it as some kind of victory? Whereas… if you pay attention to people like… Gorbachev… Jeff Sachs… maybe Mearsheimer… the idea was to establish friendly relations after Russia decided to abandon communism… something like that. Hence the LOTTERY.

But, honestly, as I’ve written here, and elsewhere, I can’t see what great good it did me, so far, to move to the States, from Russia. Everyone seems to work a lot. My mom used to get upset and start packing her bags every 6 months or so… hehe. And now I’m begging “Them” to send me back to Russia. Because I don’t understand. I really do not understand what the hell is going on around here. They said the schools are great. Well I believe I did test that theory. University of Michigan. I am an alcoholic. thank you. now what? I remember taking a Marriage & Family class. So I think I did my part… hehe. I am still not married. The main thing I remember learning is that The Family is an extremely violent institution. Fair enough. Perhaps those are the facts. I won’t argue. But I don’t recall hearing any Great solutions worthy of a Great institution… University of Michigan… ahem.

Another major source of confusion, for me was… I began to run into these… uhh… well Russian Jews I guess. I understand they left as refugees a few years earlier. Mostly worked in engineering fields. A lot of them got jobs within the auto industry. I mean… I don’t know. I suspect they may have had more reasons to Leave Russia or USSR than we did… but the fact they were better off than my parents and I really disturbed me. I mean. what the hell. I’m a goddamn lottery winner. That’s what I remember. About 1998.

And now… well I don’t know. My parents go to work and I write poetry.

Who gives a shit who blew up the Nord Stream? Russia…. US… Norway. Who gives a shit. the problem, as I see it, you cannot have the “defensive” NATO alliance which should have been phased out after 91, continue to expand, while taking advantage of Russian resources. I think most Russians have some respect for the West and it’s culture (especially Europe), but if this Unfriendly behavior continues, naturally, Russia decides to sell the oil & gas elsewhere. Ya can’t have it both ways. Do ya get it yet??

Live not by Lies!

now i no