Ambition has always been a word that made me nauseous.

I remember being little… I remember being 8 or 9 years old. Remember taking the public bus downtown with the parents for ice cream on summer weekends. That’s when I saw those guys. You know, those fellas you see hanging out at bus stops.. Mostly older guys. Probably have some social security coming in. You know, they hang out, smoke cigarettes and stuff. Maybe do a little boozing. Tell jokes, do crosswords, throw little bottle caps at each other. For some reason they seemed to have the best life. It looked like freedom. And I felt envy.

Growing up, dad tried to get me into that computer stuff. Tried to get me excited about things. I mostly played Age of Empires and Starcraft and stuff. I eventually figured out how to get a website going. Took some tennis lessons, too. Made the team a couple times. I definitely wasn’t going pro. I never really cared for it. I never wanted to be the guy with a number on my back. Scoring points. in some.. some senseless Sportsball competition. I just wanted to have what those other guys had. You know, the guys at the bus stop.

Went to college. Mostly a blur. you know how it is. Never really got a stellar job evaluation either.

I finally got to about 40. And here it is. Here’s the life. I remember it clearly. Happened not too long ago. I remember walking by a bus stop in the neighborhood. And I remembered, this here was actually what I always wanted. Dad was disappointed I’m sure, but he left some money anyway. What else is he gonna do? Can’t recall what he died of exactly. So, at this point in my life, I had a few years to think things over. Evaluate. I think I might have a kid somewhere. Maybe not. I did get to see a lot of the country while I worked full time. People… women got tired of my cynicism rather quickly. I guess my bosses did, too.

So I started seeing this new girl around town early last summer. Must be 25 or something.

One afternoon I was playing with the phone by the bus stop. She drops her wallet… right there. Right in front of me. Doesn’t seem to notice. Hey lady, I yell. Ah, she does have those ear buds on, too. LADY! I wasn’t gonna chase her down. And she hears that one.

Walks over. Gives me a look. You know the look. She’s saying something, but just doesn’t want to say it. You know.

I let it go. I’ve seen enough BS with women.

A week goes by, maybe two. We cross paths again as she was out jogging one morning. Asks directions somewhere. And she’s acting all confused and frustrated like she doesn’t know how to get to the goddamn mall or whatever, and the world might end if she doesn’t get a stupid t-shirt. Alright, maybe you really are new here. She turned back just for a moment before moving on. There it was again. That warm, inviting glance. I was pretty tuned up, as they say, that day, but somehow it still didn’t seem appropriate. I should have said something. I could have offered to walk with her. Fucking mall. There’s nothing to do at the mall.. the beer is too expensive. And yet I knew I’d get another chance. It was destiny.

I go get a haircut. Ma says I look real pretty. Ma always says I should go take classes… maybe meet a lady at the CC here. Next time… next time I’m definitely going to ask her out. I gotta say something. I gotta ask her to a cup of coffee or suggest a movie or something. All these thoughts start pouring into my mind. Maybe I should get a little job. I don’t know why, but people all want to ask what kind of work you do rather quickly. Maybe learn bartending. I could tend bar. On the really slow afternoons, maybe. I have to say something. I have to say something to make her believe that I’m productive and enthusiastic, and excited about life.

Next time… next time I run into her, we’ll definitely try movies. Could this possibly be my last chance at redemption? I cannot stop thinking about those perfect, lovely, young ankles. And that look.

A month goes by. Fall was just around the corner and I was beginning to lose hope. Why, GOD, would you do this to me? She must be around here somewhere. But Where?

We have a cute little laundromat by the coffee shop here in the neighborhood. Lots of people go there instead of using the shitty, prehistoric machines in their apartment basements. Much like the bus stop, the older men and women of leisure like to shoot the shit. Talk sports, do crosswords.

And here she is at last. I take my shot…

“I’ve been noticing you… Noticing that you walk around a lot… here… maybe we could get ice cream some time while the weather’s decent?”

“Oh yeah, yeah. You look familiar.. nice to meet you.. but you know, I’m moving to Ohio in a few days to start working on my Master’s. And my wedding’s coming up next spring, so you’re probably not going to get much fun hanging out with me just this week.”

I had not prepared myself for this jolt of inevitable reality. I really thought this was going to be MY angel from heaven. Mine. I suppose, looking back, that also could have been a mixed message. It wasn’t a rejection exactly, was it? I must be slow or autistic. I took an unreasonably long time to generate my next two sentences.

“So pretty serious, huh? With the boyfriend?”

“Yes, I just said we’re engaged…”

In my head, I was screaming that I Love her. But instinct made me say Good-bye. And leave.

I went back to my Safe place, of course. My old bus stop. Lead us not into temptation, Lord…