if things arent going well… I am doing something Wrong… they say.
well things have been kinda fucked up. and I really dont know wtf… wtf am I doing. Drinking? okay. yes. Maybe Im still drinking.
But more will be revealed! that’s also true… I guess. more is always revealed.
I discovered a new author. Christopher Lasch. historian. hehe. Cancer. Lucky. Died on Valentine’s day, did he?
You know I read this quote… yesterday. and I honestly don’t know what the hell he means. Maybe I should just get the book and see if he explains it further. Aren’t they both just SELLING something? what exactly is his point? that some things shouldn’t be for sale?? in most… states… heh.
is that what he means? I don’t know.
No, I never really was “Blazing through pussy” as one of my therapists used to say. too hard… fast… although yes I did have a nice year in Philadelphia. Philly was fun. no complaints. the last two uh… Quasi-relationships were with older gals… and I suppose there was a bit of a transfer of wealth in my direction. hehe. they weren’t bad looking, I’d do it for free… heh… but… hey the extra gratitude doesn’t hurt. I guess. I can always use more socks……. and food.
Was that really my objective? no… but how does.. Rollo say it? the “gynocratic social order” ?? is that what it’s about? Girls want what they want… and sometimes they’re even ready and willing to pay? and I really didn’t have much else going on. and all things considered… why not… it’s definitely better than the relationship I’ve been observing between my parents…. as we all know… by now.
Improper documentation of requirements always leads to many sleepless nights and angry people – ACCENTURE.
Good thing I remembered that one… hehe.
No. my only real objective for many years has been to see my father suffer horribly for making my life a living hell.
Strike 1 – Leaving Russia. You dumbass…. Strikes 2 & 3. didn’t fucking leave me ALONE when I actually had things going on… opportunities… in 2005. 2010 also. I could’ve been in a different fucking state and all he had to do was fucking LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
Nope. he’s got to keep fucking up my life. But. But THIS IS AMERICA. and that’s definitely 3 strikes, by my count.
and you’re a fucking piece of shit. And you will not be TRUSTED. you will just be observed. very closely. you dumb little piece of shit.
is there another way to look at it? Maybe. But I still think My view is more right than any other.
What else am I doing wrong?
the DECISION MAKERS. heh. they’re somewhere. they can open doors, I am sure. if they want. but. the doors are closed and it’s really not up to me. what the hell you really want? I did have 3 or 4 months of no drinking a couple years ago. AND NOTHING IS HAPPENING. so what the fuck do you really want. I don’t have any more fucking stories. sorry.
I know I should be doing something… but I just don’t know what.
I really don’t see any good ideas.
yes. half the time I really am just waiting… day dreaming… that some philosophical society will send me an award… or I get the Macarthur fellowship… it’s great. because you don’t even have to apply for those… you can just wait. hehe. and Visualize getting a fellowship. Like I said. I think I deserve it. it’s time.
yes, I’ve said many times, that some of my problem is being lazy, and feeling sorry for myself.
But look how far that got me! I’m 36. Not bad. World marathon record holder Kelvin Kiptum just died at 24. Hope he was sober… anyway.
what the hell am I supposed to do with myself?
I think I want to fall in love. hehe. Sometimes I run across the Deb McMillan Bridge in Rochester (MI) and see all these fucking locks hanging off it. fucking pisses me off. that really is a thing isn’t it? If you love someone, you go to the bridge, and you hang a fucking lock on it. Never got to do that.
I’m always really good at coming up with reasons not to do shit.
Where do I start. Sales. Been doing sales since I was 12. Yes, I think that contributed to my depression. I’m more manic than depressive honestly. but. still. I’m not fucking doing sales. No more.
History. Well. you know. I talked about this before. they can’t even figure out what the hell happened on 911. Osama? heh. probably not. There’s Loose change (movie). there’s architects and engineers for truth. look it up. really. that’ll get you started. but… I bet if I open up a history book. it probably just says Osama. osama osama osama. hehe. No. I cannot take HISTORY seriously. Sorry. We’ve got to do better than that. I mean, actually. yes. I would be interested in figuring out what actually happened. but, apparently THEY dont want us to know. That’s why there’s all these fucking theories… and in my opinion… nothing really makes 100 percent sense.
Moving on to THE LAW. I probably wrote about this somewhere. the college friend who turned me on to Balzac all those years ago is actually a lawyer. hehe. LAWS ARE SPIDER WEBS… THROUGH WHICH BIG FLIES PASS. AND LITTLE ONES GET CAUGHT. Yes. there have been some great lawyers. Gerry Spence, I guess. But, mostly… I’m afraid it’s just going to make me even more insane.
Medicine. Well. you know. Some days I actually pray for cancer. hasn’t happened yet.
And speaking of Praying. How about theology. that’s always been big in America. Well. you know the story. I had an intervention. or something. they know. they know what happened. Cute psychiatric nurse starts talking to me about carpenters in Philadelphia. Not far from where Franklin flew his Kite (I just found out). and the Liberty bell. Very poetic. And shit, you know what. I think I saw God. something happened, that’s for sure. And since then, God hasn’t sent me a single email. So. Yes, some people busy themselves going to Divinity schools… but… well… honestly… what proof have you got, really? that God wants this or that. What fucking proof have you got to show me?
they didn’t even give me any pussy in college.
Finding that no religion is based on facts and cannot therefore be true, I began to reflect what must be the condition of mankind trained from infancy to believe in errors.
I am not cynical. I am just old. I know what is going to happen next
Fay weldon
and I like Ellen Fein…. who was the inspiration for starting this blog…. if you scroll far enough.
Just click Blog roll… and scroll. you’ll find it.
and there’s Kathleen parker… of course… and Heather Mac Donald…. what is it that she said… in her book. Let me find it. yep. here it is —
The new order is emerging as a bizarre hybrid of liberationist and traditionalist values. It carefully preserves the prerogative of no-strings-attached sex while cabining it with legalistic caveats that allow females to revert at will to a stance of offended virtue…
Heather…
so, of course. what I said… is Hold on a minute. hold. on. see, I was paying attention. and My SAT score is… pretty high… and you just said you FUCKED GUYS YOU JUST MET… a few times… and now you don’t want to give me that pussy???
well that’s fucked up. I dont know why we’re still talking… really. go on. go on and have fun….
…
and for me… well there was Amy… like 8 years ago. Jesus. Amy was really good in bed. she was Super. and now I dont really know what she’s doing. Is that enough for me? Just good in bed. and she gave me food… like she did for her cats…. hehehehehe…
do I want Kids? I don’t know. Like I said. I think the right thing is for me to back to Russia. But. No one is cooperating.
why?
oh… Jesus. really. I just want to live by the Mississippi in the south. somewhere near new orleans. that’s really all I want… like that guy in True Detective… I guess.
you hear these things in meetings sometimes… if the Mothership came back and said, Kid we left you on the wrong planet. You can go home now – things would start making sense.
Babylon 5 is available on TUBI… which makes me insanely happy… at least through March I guess.
I was watching this show in 1998 before my journey to America. that and the Xfiles. yes, I guess space did have some appeal to me in those days. I forget how it ends, but I think there’s some kind of profound philosophical insight. the Bald Mira Furlan perhaps was the first Tv lady crush. hehe. She’s apparently dead now. Too bad.
I kinda wanted to talk about this. I’ve had strange interactions with US armed services recruiting. Toward the end of high school, a Navy guy called and seemed really eager to sign me up. 2005. But that was really bad timing. First, I was still 17 and not old enough to make my own decisions, and second I had multiple full ride offers to Colleges. I don’t know where he got my name and contacts in the first place, but Im sure he must have been aware of some of these things…. so why are you bothering me? heh.
My story changed 4 years later. I was kind of an alcoholic, and my grades weren’t great and I went to the recruiting station to see what they could do for me… took the Sample ASVAB, but at this point the Army wasn’t terribly interested in me, or so it seemed. Maybe they had bad experience enlisting college graduates… who knows.
But I did get a Federal job after all. hehe. For a while.
I ended up losing my virginity to a girl I met in Philadelphia… who said she had a Fiancee in Iraq or something. Very strange. Very, very strange. I guess I just wanted to piss some people off… and she was just there… heh. And they didn’t give me any pussy in college. and the girl I met After college said she liked me… but she was fucking some married guy or something. You know… you know who you are.
so yea… yeah! Im gonna go and do something fucking crazy too. How do you like that?
this FALL IN LOVE thing never seems to work. Never seems to work out for some reason.
think about what kind of “Freedom” you’re fighting for… or why you do shit in general, I guess.
as many of you know…. I am a University of Michigan graduate. I guess I’m pretty smart, but there were definitely classes I struggled with in Ann Arbor, so I guess I’m not as brilliant as I thought I was.
I like to check in once in a while, with my alma mater. I once asked for a million dollars (True story), and they sent a detective out here. They don’t just give out money, I guess… there’s always hoops to jump through.
Now, I haven’t actually reached out to this POVERTY SOLUTIONS group. It looks like it may just be one guy coloring excel sheets or something, but I really think the Name is a little uh…. ill-fitting, I want to say. Like everything around here, in America. lots of HOPE… not much substance.
No, Mr. Luke does have a large staff, actually. Data, data, data. STRATEGIC PROJECTS. They have a Communications Specialist and also a Senior Communications Specialist. Wow. and they’re all SOLVING POVERTY.
See, for me, being an alcoholic, homelessness became a real possibility after graduation. if it weren’t for the codependent Mom, I probably would be on the street somewhere. I wonder how many homeless University of Michigan graduates there are. I bet the Poverty Solutions director knows. I am real curious.
So. I don’t know. maybe I should reach out to them. I am just trying to imagine how that Conversation might go. He might tell me to go SEE SOMEONE (like a therapist). that’s what the Detective said when she arrived here. And I did. I saw lots of therapists. probably close to a dozen. they haven’t even gotten me sober yet.
or, maybe. GET A JOB. JUST GET A FUCKING JOB SOMEWHERE.
No, no no no no. See, that would be ME doing stuff. Everyone and their Cat tells me to get a job. That’s not very original. See, you’re the guy with the POVERTY SOLUTIONS. so Solve my Poverty!!!
How about this, how about you tell me how I can get my very Own Poverty Solutions bullshit budget, and I bet that would solve some problems. for me.
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Someone said it… many years ago.
a lesson in how to think… and maybe history. I’ve been sort of thinking about this since February and I think today something clicked, and maybe someone will see some value here.
so my thesis here is that the Universities of Yale and Cambridge are engaged in the activity of Propaganda. This is my third post on the blog about the Subject, and hopefully the last. It would be nice I think for everyone if the conflict wraps up soon.
Propaganda, defined by Oxford as information, especially of a biased or misleading nature, used to promote or publicize a particular political cause or point of view… I think. yes, I copy pasted that from somewhere.
Perhaps this a case of Genuine ignorance, but come on, you’re a Cambridge professor for fuck’s sake. Aren’t you?
The language that THEY are using is… Russian Empire… Imperialist ambitions. Aggression aggression aggression. And I have to say that’s a new sort of idea for me, when it comes to Ukraine. My grandparents had a little apartment near the Sea of Azov. I’d spend my summers there. In the early 1990s. I don’t remember any Aggression. There just wasn’t any aggression, back then, in Mariupol. We’d go to the beach and eat cotton candy and stuff. That’s what I remember. Had a pretty happy childhood, actually, until they dragged me to the USA. I have not seen a lot of Mr. Putin’s declarations of his imperialist ambitions. I’ve seen him talk a lot about Ukraine and Russia as being friendly nations. Both were part of the USSR a little over 30 years ago, after all. The Crimea referendum of 2014 is Some evidence of that. Isn’t it? That’s a big chunk of the story these “Historians” keep trying to ignore. Or misrepresent.
You’re trying to attribute Incorrect Motives to Putin, or Russia… or whoever it is. I’m not sure why, but that is my conclusion. And why do you keep nourishing these resentments, instead of looking for a real way out? Why?
Why?
So, I will ask You, Mr Rory Finnin, Mr Tim Snyder, where the Fuck did this Aggression come from? Are you sure it’s all Russia? Mr. Putin can also show you lots of evidence of Nato shit getting pumped into Ukraine. I can see how he might view that as very unfriendly. Very, very unfriendly.
Mearsheimer predicted years ago that Ukraine will be wrecked and here we are. But don’t play dumb and act like you didn’t see this coming. and like you had nothing to do with it. who the fuck do you work for? Yale, or MIC?
I’ve spent time in at least 4 former Soviet republics, as far as I know, so I’ll just start by saying the fact that two of these could be at war to me seems insane. But… well, every news outlet seems to agree. There really is a war… people are dying. Over a million refugees fled. So far.
I am even more shocked by these… “history” panelists who keep blaming Russia for everything. This is just not okay. I guess they mention Ukrainian students in the audience… so perhaps some of this is just about telling people what they want to hear. But don’t be fooled. This is not good history. Watch Jimmy Dore for good history. Seriously. Oliver Stone also made a pretty good movie on Ukraine in 2019. He tries to present a balanced view.
If Tim Snyder truly doesn’t want war, the question I would ask is WHAT HAS THE UNITED STATES BEEN DOING, in these 30 years, which contributed to this conflict? Let’s start with that, Tim.
I watched the video twice. And what do they talk about? Rebuilding Russian Empire? Interesting… Putin is deranged? So you guys are Psychologists, too, huh? Nellie is talking about Abandoned pets at some point. I think they’re just trying to piss me off… Snyder is still telling people that Crimea was SEIZED… VIOLENTELY. as if the voice of Crimeans at the 2014 referendum counts for nothing.
He says he is Pro-facts and Anti-propaganda.
No, Tim Snyder. You ARE full of shit.
Why aren’t Russian security concerns about Nato expansion Mentioned? Why aren’t the Neo-Nazi battalions mentioned? Why isn’t the 2014 coup discussed, and the failure of Ukraine to abide by Minsk agreements?
Why, Tim? Why? You say you want to talk to Russians. Well here I am. Stop lying.
The youth of today are absolutely right in recognizing this nonsense of earning a living. We keep inventing jobs because of this false idea that everybody has to be employed at some kind of drudgery because, according to Malthusian Darwinian theory he must justify his right to exist.
now i no 