books, love, money, relationships, solitude, work

The Free Time Tester… a cautionary Tale.

After all, the best part of a holiday is perhaps not so much to be resting yourself, as to see all the other fellows busy working – Kenneth Grahame


My worst fear came true. I became a food service manager after college. Fast food. I remember thinking about this years ago. Thinking about all of these hundreds of thousands of people all over America. Wondering how they do it. How the fuck do they do it?

And then I became one.

How did I end up here? Well. I suppose I had more drinking nights than book nights in college, and I ended up with a heartbreaking 2.93 GPA. If I had gotten a 2.95, I could just put a 3 on my resume, and get some decent interviews, maybe. But.. this.. this 2.93 meant options were limited. I thought about going for a real estate license, but I’ve already met too many annoying broads in that field. I’m dumb because I’m a drunk. They’re just dumb by default, you know? You know what I’m saying? Food service actually seemed like the lesser evil.

About a year out of college, a more intriguing opportunity came my way via an old roommate. He was at one of the AI companies, and said they were looking to hire FREE TIME testers. They figured pretty soon jobs were really going to disappear rather fast, and the government gave them a grant to study how normal people might respond to all the leisure.

It was a quick phone interview with a Mr. Morgan.

I first asked why they don’t just hire Homeless people.

“They’re just different,” he said.

Then, I had to point out that it’s not a great experiment because if everyone really does become unemployed in the future, this lifestyle would become a social norm, not an aberration. He said that’s really clever, but he still had to hire 5 guys in this town.

Was I in or out?

So what’s the deal? The study lasts for 60 days. I’d get 50 bucks a day, paid weekly. I’m supposed to avoid any activity I would consider work. I’m supposed to ask 3 local strangers out on dates, and report how that goes. Report any police contact, also.

As expected, the first week was a very welcome holiday. Basically, I’d get drunk and go to the movies.

How about some exercise? Sure, I can do some jogging. What bliss.

3 weeks in, the company called to remind me that I had to look for a date. And it should be someone I haven’t met yet.

Could be tricky.

I remembered that the library had social events and book readings every other week or so. Here we go. A friendly little thing, it seems. The name’s Sally.

Sally was some kind of social worker. I told her about my little adventure and she gave me a frown.

I said I actually tried to get out of it at the interview, but I also really needed a change. How about Sushi?

Sushi it is.

“So what do you Actually want to do?”

Oh. You mean like.. professionally? For the rest of my life?

“Sure… something like that” says Sally.

I remembered that I always fucking hated these conversations. Am I going to impress her with a lofty goal? Should I err on the side of humility maybe? Let’s try to come up with something honest, and see if that works.

“I guess I wanted to be a lawyer and a judge,” I say. “But the only class I failed in college was Logic. So now.., now I am just lost and confused.”

There’s more to life than logic! You’re young. I’m sure you’ll find something satisfying. You got a favorite book?

Sure, I like Camus. I keep wondering if his “accident” was actually a suicide. He seemed like the type, right?

“As I recall, he wasn’t driving”

Well, I guess you know more than I do. I wasn’t there. Believe half that you see, and nothing you read, right?

“Yeah, I think I heard that one somewhere…”

“Well.. how’s this going so far? You got other plans tonight, or should we go get a drink somewhere?”

I think I do have plans… let’s maybe chat again in a few, okay?

No problem…

So that was Sally. I went to the bar anyway and tried to flirt with the bartender. Maybe I can count that too.

So, the first month went by. It was rather uneventful. I began to feel a little empty, and I began to dread going back to work. Fucking food service. How the hell did I end up here? I don’t think these jobs are going anywhere. People always need to go somewhere where someone’s nice to them. Someone that’s not a goddamn robot. I think that’s what I’ll tell Morgan at the debrief.

I want to grow. I want to have a sense of accomplishment. But how is that going to work? If the same fat fucks are always hungry the next day. On Day 57 I got arrested for peeing in an alley behind a bar. Well, whaddya know… I guess idle hands are the devil’s workshop.

books, life, love, relationships, school, solitude, take it easy, work, writing

basic pleasure model

Dedicated to one or two women who maybe liked me.. years ago. and inimitable… Philip K. Dick.

For those of you who skipped their women’s studies classes, first-wave feminism got women the vote; second-wave got them employed and divorced; third-wave is busy making them porn stars. More or less – Kathleen Parker

Someone once told me that I was good enough looking, that if I were just nice to girls, I could probably get laid pretty often. I don’t think I ever actually tried doing it that way.

These are the phases that you go through, I suppose. You’re young. You’re surrounded by people. You’re anxious. and Annoyed. You drink. You’re alone. You’re afraid of dying alone. I think eventually you figure out… alone might be kind of nice. Because you’re so goddamn tired of being nice to people. Would anyone ever really love the real you? Doubtful… Someone wise once said.. what you really want doesn’t actually exist in reality. Now you go and think about that one…

Lucky for me, I was the only one at that fucked up party who actually figured out her costume – Pris. And you don’t dress like that.. unless you want some. Am I right or am I Right?

She wasn’t perfect.. but you know what, she was pretty close. The only question now is, could I actually leave behind this fucking self-pity I had become so addicted to. Senior year. I think I really was doing these calculations somewhere in the back of my mind. Just imagine. If I don’t get laid THIS year.. then shit. I could actually keep feeling sorry for myself FOREVER. I mean look, I didn’t even get any pussy in college. What are they going to say to that? This is America, and there ain’t a worse punishment imaginable.. Look at him. He didn’t even get any pussy in college. Right?

So what’s the plan going to be here? We close. We start talking about our parents.. and the future perhaps… I hope that when I actually have to see these other parents, they’ll hate me enough that I don’t have to feel too bad about the inevitable breakup. Ideally, I can get enough sex out of this and be done with her by Christmas.

So you live in this house? (She jolts me out of the daydream)

Uh.. no, Jerry does. Let me talk to a couple people first, then we’ll get going.

I never said I’m going home with you! I was just wondering. I think the girls and I have other plans.

Whatever. Give her space.

A few drinks later she does wander over to the couch, and again starts chatting.

So you said you don’t live far, is that right?

I like your type, I say…

Which is?

You’re the type who’ll have a lot of regrettable sex because you’re afraid you can’t get the guy you really want to be with.

It took a few seconds for her to start laughing.

She came back with the usual, I guess that’s what college is for, isn’t it?

You wanna watch Blade Runner with me or no?

We do indeed end up at my place pretty soon that night. I never even have to meet the parents. She found some other inebriate between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I guess it’d be worse if she were perfect.

books, life, love, relationships, solitude, writing

IF THERE WAS A TEST, I MUST HAVE FAILED IT.

If there’s delight in love, ‘Tis when I see that heart, which others bleed for, bleed for me – William Congreve

I took a certain pride in knowing I’d helped ruin his life enough to give him something substantial to write about – Mick Jagger

I started thinking.. the other day about whether or not I actually broke any hearts, really? If I can find like 3, then maybe I’d be happy. hehehe. Pretty fucked up, isn’t it? Is this a diagnosable condition?? Did anyone actually Want to go to prom, with me? Or.. or maybe that Megan girl I roomed with for a few weeks in Chicago. I think maybe Megan liked me. maybe not. She looked pretty frail.. but I do hope she’s alive.. somewhere..

Maybe it was just the one girl.. in Russia.. who wanted to marry me when we were 10 or 11.

I keep discovering writers who killed themselves in their 40s.. or drank themselves to death, which is arguably the same thing.. so.. even THAT is not original. You begin to wonder.. around this time, I suppose.. will there ever be a second act? Another chapter in this crazy life. they had that plane and black hawk crash at Reagan the other day. No survivors. It’s not always so dramatic.. but it begins to dawn on you that.. this.. All this will soon be over, and maybe you won’t even see it coming. And if you see it coming.. yeah, I suppose I’d rather see it coming. There must be.. a date.. in the Akashic field (Ervin Laszlo, Edgar Cayce) or whatever the hell that is. Look it up. it’s interesting stuff.. this Akashic business.

I think it’s another common theme in Alcoholics anonymous. IF YOU LIKE ME, THEN I’LL DESPISE YOU.. right? Pretty fucked, I guess. I think I heard something like that before..

I think there’s another game called Stump your Therapist. I’m pretty good at this game. That’s where I came up with – MY QUALITY OF LIFE DOESN’T JUSTIFY THE EFFORT REQUIRED TO COPE WITH IT.

Pretty good, eh? Or.. my Higher power doesn’t want me to get a shitty job in addition to being a miracle.

Or, Why don’t you make me Care about Life again? It’s your job, not mine. You’re the EXPERT.

So, anyway, Still looking for a prestigious publisher for my Autobiography. I think we’ll call it – IF THERE WAS A TEST, I MUST HAVE FAILED IT.

another one is – IF YOUR LIFE IS A LIVING HELL, THEN WHY DO YOU WANT MORE OF IT??

You know.. good things do happen, sometimes. I really did find a backpack with $52 dollars around this time last year. That was nice. But I still didn’t get the stimulus. what do I really want? I think I just want to drive one of those streetcars in New Orleans. that’s what I want.

this.. I think this is called “Secondary gain” in the business –

Victimhood
books, creativity, language, medicine, relationships, solitude, take it easy, work

the Law of Conservation of Energy

Law of Conservation of Energy.

All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream. Edgar Allan Poe.

No, we’re not going to talk too much about Physics. maybe toward the end there.

Maybe I’m a weak writer. But I like to think that I am stingy with writing because women were always stingy with sex. Well, except that one time.

What I had in mind was writing a tale about a fellow who progressively does less.. and less, and less.. until he turns into.. some kind of plant. Some oak trees live for centuries. Did I get that from somewhere? Someone? I don’t know.. Probably. Let me know if it sounds familiar. nothing comes to mind right now.

What is it now.. almost 40. Well. Like I said before.. I’ve outlived J.K. Toole.. and that guy who wrote Leaving Las Vegas. O’Brien. I still like to see a doctor once a year. He usually says something about my liver enzymes. The only real question I have is if I’ll live long enough to get Social security. Free money, at last.

Almost daily I am horrified by things my parents say. Horrified. But, they’re the employable ones in this household. Explain that to me. It is only by confusing and distracting these “normal” people do we get to avoid Apocalypse. They never get enough time to put their foolishness into action. I do. they always have some fucking appointment.. or bill to pay.. some equally insane relatives to talk to.

I do not bother my head about these things…

I watch people run around as if they have cancer (terminal), but to me it seems like they really just forgot to water their plants. Once. Why do you need so many plants?

So, you see, for all practical purposes, I have cracked immortality. I have something like 8500 days left until retirement. What.. what haven’t I done. Always wanted a boat, I guess. But the nice ones are expensive. Would I like to travel somewhere? No. I don’t…

A few weeks ago I figured out I can pee and brush my teeth simultaneously. I used to not brush my teeth at all for weeks.. sometimes. but now, I realized I do have a free hand for most of the time that I am peeing. So I can be slightly more presentable. Remember that? We always get what we need. But not always what we want. Peeing, in the bathroom is a pretty hard requirement. Everything else is kind of a wish-list item. I don’t really see what I get out of it.

What. what are we Really here for? I watched one of the movies about Yogananda recently. As the prospective disciple bows, the great Guru asks if he struggles with Sex, Wine or Money.

No, sir. Not a problem at all. if there’s money, I usually buy Sex. And wine. Hehe. He didn’t say that. I did.

No, I suppose I’m not monk material. But I always had some suspicion that there must be some logic behind all the insanity I see. In the mind of God, at some quantum level, if you go far enough back.. or deep into the cells and atoms, maybe I’ll figure something out and things will make sense. Maybe I’ve got to help the person I screwed over 7 lifetimes ago. and THEN I would feel complete and satisfied. But where is this person? I need a sign.

Time to go see the Doctor, I guess.

imdb.com/title/tt3197802/

books, life, relationships, school, society, solitude, writing

Time flies….

So Philip Zimbardo died earlier this month. I also had sort of a near death experience.. if you follow my other publication.. well maybe you know. Seemed like a trap. really seemed like some kind of trap to me. Thought I’d catch a ride on a freight train.. always wanted to do it. anyway. you probably want to JUMP OFF the thing maybe before it starts goin over 20 miles per hour or so. it won’t be a soft landing…..

I do.. I really do have to get going on finishing up this little project. My work.. no, Hobby the past 10 years has been the collecting of quotes.. and Im up to 3230 so far. And I suppose it is time to pare down the list to just the ones.. I really cannot live without. Let’s say Elon Musk figures out how to augment your brain and working memory and stuff.. and really makes us all.. Wiser? let’s say it works out. and I wake up in the morning. And I want to download a list of things TO REMEMBER. every single day. let’s say it’s a list of 365 little reminders.. then I suppose this would be my list. You might have seen these little meditation books that are popular with people who Used to use drugs.. or Christians.. both. anyway.

If you’ve got Strong ties to Hazelden publishing, maybe put in a good word?

I decided to give myself an Education I missed out on.. when I was busy boozing at UM. Didn’t even get laid. Fucking unbelievable. I don’t know how they get away with this shit.

I thought I had KILLER title when I first tried doing this a few years ago. but.. the list grew. this’ll probably be published in 3 parts.. 120 – 120 & 125. perhaps I’ll shuffle them around a bit later. I do realize this first one here is quite a bit biased toward Male authors.. all I can say is.. I sort for powerful ideas.. that resonate (with me). But.. I know. I know I’ll try to add some Diversity later… I think I’ll limit each author to 3 appearances.

So, here it is. Have another drink from my.. Fire Hydrant. heh.

The fact that you have unlimited texts does not necessarily mean that you cannot stop talking: Meditations for recovery from the compulsive behavior of your choice.

  1. If you put good apples into a bad situation, you’ll get bad apples – ZIMBARDO
  2. A sane person to an insane society must appear insane – Kurt Vonnegut
  3. I don’t want my past to become anyone else’s future – Elie Wiesel
  4. A conscience is that still small voice that people won’t listen to – Carlo Collodi
  5. It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society – Krishnamurti
  6. The most effective way to destroy people is to deny and obliterate their own understanding of their history – Orwell
  7. Every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it – Orwell
  8. I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion’ – Muhammad Ali
  9. Love is giving something you don’t have to someone who doesn’t want it – J. Lacan
  10. Apparently I lack some particular perversion which today’s employer is seeking – John Kennedy Toole.
  11. You could tell by the way he talked, though, that he had gone to school a long time. That was probably what was wrong with him – John Kennedy Toole
  12. If reason ruled the world would history even exist? – R. Kapuscinski
  13. How many things have been denied one day, only to become realities the next – Jules Verne
  14. Never attribute to malevolence what is merely due to incompetence – Arthur Clarke?
  15. If you can’t state your position in eight words, you don’t have a position – Seth Godin
  16. Healthy children will not fear life if their elders have integrity enough not to fear death – Erik Erikson
  17. Being busy is a form of laziness – lazy thinking and indiscriminate action – Tim Ferriss
  18. Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it – JK Rowling
  19. A person you excuse from any genuine challenge is a person you do not truly respect – John McWhorter
  20. Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact – George Eliot
  21. To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive – Robert L Stevenson
  22. Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose – Eckhart Tolle
  23. It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living – Eckhart Tolle
  24. He who goes about to reform the world must begin with himself, or he loses his labor – St. Ignatius
  25. For if you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners to be corrupted from their infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded from this, but that you first make thieves and then punish them – St. Thomas More
  26. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts – Will Rogers
  27. The map is not the territory – Alfred Korzybski
  28. Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away – Philip K Dick
  29. A desk is a dangerous place from which to watch the world – David Cornwell (le Carre…)
  30. I never think that I am the one who must see to it that cherries grow on stalks – Carl Jung
  31. One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple – Jack Kerouac
  32. Absence of Evidence is not Evidence of Absence – Carl Sagan
  33. It is an ironic habit of human beings to run faster when they have lost their way – ROLLO MAY
  34. Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something – Robert Heinlein
  35. You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with – Jim Rohn
  36. sooner or later she had to give up the hope for a better past – Irvin Yalom
  37. Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe – HG Wells
  38. What really matters is what you do with what you have – HG Wells
  39. When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice – Andre Gide (or Saul bellow… hehe, I gotta look this one up again)
  40. The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself – Bernard Malamud
  41. All of us are prisoners, to one degree or another, of our experience – Gary Hamel
  42. We have, as human beings, a storytelling problem. We’re a bit too quick to come up with explanations for things we don’t really have an explanation for – Malcolm Gladwell
  43. The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men – Plato

44.. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools – Herbert Spencer (that reminds me of something…..)

45. Never complain of that of which it is at all times in your power to rid yourself – Adam Smith

46. There seems to be some perverse human characteristic that likes to make easy things difficult – Warren Buffett

47. No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true – Nathaniel Hawthorne

48. No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man – Heraclitus

49. Science cannot solve the ultimate mystery of nature. And that is because, in the last analysis, we ourselves are a part of the mystery that we are trying to solve – Max Planck

50. If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants – Isaac Newton

51. Integrity has no need of rules – Albert Camus

52. He who loves the more is the inferior and must suffer – Thomas Mann

53. To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment – Emerson

54. Prejudices are what fools use for reason – Voltaire

55. ..our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers – M. Scott Peck

56. To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible – Aquinas

57. None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free – Goethe

58. It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness – Tolstoy

59. We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light – Plato??

60. To find fault is easy; to do better may be difficult – Plutarch

61. To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail – Maslow

62. If the essential core of the person is denied or suppressed, he gets sick sometimes in obvious ways, sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes immediately, sometimes later – Maslow

63. We’re developing a new citizenry. One that will be very selective about cereals and automobiles, but won’t be able to think – Rod Serling

64. One of the advantages of being disorganized is that one is always having surprising discoveries – AA Milne

65. Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important – Stephen Covey

66. All language is but a poor translation – Kafka

67. Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate – Carl Jung

68. We are not rich by what we possess but by what we can do without – Kant

69. It is very difficult also to sacrifice one’s suffering. A man will renounce any pleasures you like but he will not give up his suffering – GI Gurdjieff

70. My destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing – Proust

71. No matter how thin you slice it, there will always be two sides – Spinoza?

72. It’s necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live – Dumas

73. If the Martians ever find out how human beings think, they’ll kill themselves laughing – ALBERT ELLIS

74. Humility is the awareness that there’s a lot you don’t know and that a lot of what you think you know is distorted or wrong – David Brooks

75. The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere – Anne Lindbergh

76. Beauty fades, dumb is forever – Judge Judy

77. Non nobis solum nati sumus (I think that’s something about Selfishness..) – Cicero

78. The more we love someone, the less we flatter them; it is by excusing nothing that true love shows itself – Moliere

And that’s about it for today. Uh. Yeah, a little short of my goal. But. We’ll see. We’ll see if I can come up with another 290 meaningful quotations from the Master list… Left some question marks when I was unsure about authorship… That might be a challenge if we want to get it all right.

To be Continued.

365… There are only two ways of telling the complete truth–anonymously and posthumously – Thomas Sowell.

babies, communication, environment, life, love, money, relationships, school, solitude, take it easy, work

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

And if there is one sure sign in Hegel’s philosophy that history isn’t over, of course it’s a war. Because there are embodied people in struggle with different views about what freedom is and how to live. RICK RODERICK

well. I guess today I was inspired by a recent publication on Augustine of Hippo (Linked below) to add some more words about my own sad, little life.

I began to pray. what did I pray? I prayed. GOD is there anything left for me to do.. on God’s green earth?

I guess I was a little suicidal. But. I prayed.

God.. God usually tells me to Lie a little less. or never.

You know.. Ma.. ma never lets me down.. I guess.. Ma knows I fucked her like no man ever could. Right? hehehehehe..

Sorry. maybe that’s a little too much. Ma always likes to say Oh we’re just little people from the middle of nowhere.. some little village in Russia or Belarus or Ukraine or some shit.

And I think she sincerely believes it.. Humility is a virtue!

But she knows very well that her parents were Military officers who worked abroad who definitely had some power in the ol’ Soviet system at least. and that’s why they got to reproduce so quickly.. and I had nice bikes and Camels.. where’s the fucking camel? There’s a picture of the camel somewhere.. well. you know.

What is it that drove these people.. my parents to Jump Ship in 1998 and move to America.. perhaps we’ll never know. I think they were just running.. running away from shit. Instead of confronting it. Russia was nice. I had a girlfriend in Russia… when I was.. 10.

Well. they’re employable. I’m not.. apparently. I just write shit on the internet. I donate plasma and get 50 bucks for drink. Hey, that’s not bad pay for not doing shit for an hour. I still try to get some runs in. Still running. Marathons.

Oh, wait. yes. I fell in love. I did fall in love once. and that’s what I get.. from the object of my affection. Shit, I still can’t believe it.. maybe it’s just a California thing? no.. No I think this still makes sense to some people.. here… in Michigan. Just read.

So. by the time you’re 27 you’re up to 4 boyfriends that you cheated on.. and I still didn’t get that pussy. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh. Oh Lord.. what do you want me to do? or say…

What? What do you say to something like that? Except maybe drink yourself to death.. hehehe.

What? No. no no no no no. You’re not gonna make me do shit. People. you see.. PEOPLE used to do things for a reason. The reason usually was you’re trying to start a family.. or something. right? How do you do that.. these days? In this environment… I respect your honesty.. but JESUS.. YOU know. JESUS. what do you say to something like that?

God.. Is there ANYTHING left for me to do.. on this earth.. today..? You just sit back.. Enjoy the show.. I guess?

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Harvey Dent.

Men to whom God is dead worship one another. Harry Crews

Any plan conceived in moderation must fail when the circumstances are set in extremes. – Metternich

what we call rational grounds for our beliefs are often extremely irrational attempts to justify our instincts – Thomas Huxley.

Well. how do we begin. I guess I began to seek a God when I finally realized how weak men really are.

There’s a quote for ya. Did I come up with that? hehe.

It used to be WWJD? right? now… now it’s all about AI. I don’t want to think and I never was very good at it anyway. Is there anyone out there?

Let me just ask Google.. or something. How did that Jesus fellow make out anyway? Not so great, right?

HOW’S THAT FUCKING WORKIN FOR YA?? hehe. that’s what.. the Sponsor says. sometimes. After he tries to tell you things.. about Jesus.

We all have little cracks, don’t we? Apply enough pressure.. at the right time. and 98 percent of these fuckers break. Sometimes.. sometimes I guess you get a diamond, maybe. But more often than not.. we just shit our pants. Fail.

I noticed even my father always needs some Dude to look up to. For a while it was Grant Cardone.. then he became a Trump fan. hehe. Likes real estate. No, it never hurts to get a little education, I guess. Are we really going to try this again? hehe. drain the swamp.. and so on.

And we had that one teacher… Family man. Got tricked by one of those Paedophile traps on the internet. It’s sad, but it’s also one of the funniest things in my life so far. The man taught EPISTEMOLOGY of all things. You know what that is, don’t you? I thought something like that should make one a Skeptic.. especially of all the things we read.. on the internet.

Bruce Willis. yep. that’s the guy. that’s the guy I want to get a beer with. Man, I keep thinking I got a real book in me. but.. but I dunno. Days go by.. maybe I’m just meant to be a real good Quotes collector.

Yep. I look. I look at my life and I honestly can’t think of anything Horrible I did.. to anyone, really. Did I? I don’t think I did. But then.. why.. why the fuck am I bored out of my mind all day. There’s fucking nothing to do. Why don’t they just give me some money. I’m such a great fucking guy.

For they are human too…

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hide and seek

my friend told me to finish my novel before I finish my next tube of toothpaste

there’s a challenge.

you know I did find a nice place to hide in this annoying town .

there is a roof of an abandoned warehouse. You have a metal ladder you can climb.

haul some water up there and you can live

for weeks maybe. Months?

you look around and see the hospitals the bars and gas stations. Apartments. You see folks moving around and wonder. Why are they in such a hurry?

you can’t pay me enough to live like this.

Vonnegut wrote something about this. The Uwtb. Universal will to become .

what does it all come down to. Love and money. And if there’s enough money you can probably buy love.

sorry. Sorry!

I guess I’ve been alone so long it doesn’t bother me. If I keep sleeping on the roof my guru will show up and explain everything to me.

What are you still trying to turn yourself into?

what is it?

nope. I don’t have it. I’m just me. sometimes I don’t even use my name. I’m Alex or boris or Sergei who played with them Wings in 95.

yes it’s fucking unbelievable. It’s 2024 and people haven’t learned how to stop going to war. Is that really why I drink so much?

maybe.

books, money, relationships, school, society, solitude, travel, value, writing

If you can’t compensate me for my suffering, then at least reward me for my achievement.

I drank coffee and read old books and waited for the year to end – Richard Brautigan…

Look it’s not funny to me. Some people say.. oh.. my parents seem to get smarter as I get older.

haha. Good for you, I guess. Mine seem to get dumber every year as I successfully dissect more and more of their lies.

Really.

Yes. I want to write a fucking book. a novel. Finally. and go over that stuff from 2011. But Im not fucking doing it here. Not here.

I need a real break. A retreat! a month or two. trying to persuade Mom but I dont know if that will work out anytime soon. These people are idiots.

and yes, I think the University of Michigan should be liable for this catastrophe also. They didn’t give me any pussy. I became an alcoholic. But I get to feel good about myself… I guess. hey. this is what dad wanted. An American college graduate. Right here.

I still fail to see any real Value in this pointless activity. They didn’t even teach me how to Close.

I need a fucking fellowship. or something.

Yes.. every year.. every year I seem to learn a few new things, for now. and I think that’s basically the only thing that keeps me going. what happens when even that’s gone. When there’s really nothing else to know….. what then.. do I do..?

charity, law, relationships, solitude, take it easy, work

O.

Playing a game is the voluntary attempt to overcome unnecessary obstacles – Bernard Suits.

Oh this worth writing about…. I guess. Spent the last 6 hours in a virtual world called Runescape.. Run. Escape. hehe

RS has been my good companion for the past 20 years or so. Yea. hard to hang with the young kids these days. Too old for this multi-tasking shit… too damn old.

Trying to defeat a new Foe. they call them Bosses. A big imaginary monster that… throws darts… spits out some kind of radiation?… and summons minions and tries to destroy you before you get to do the same…. to it. for some reason it reminded me of dating…

of course its a little addicting… because there’s a hierarchy of players based on skill. you can’t break the rules. you can use many potions, spells, and your own minions to achieve whatever it is you’re trying to achieve today. And… yes, you get a pretty good idea of how “Good” you are… relative to others.

I guess I do it because it just makes sense. The internet seems to work fine… today. No one’s trying to sabotage the gameplay. If I dont figure it out… I really have no one to blame but myself. in this specific situation. Not like the “real” world is it? there’s always liars… and uh, selective prosecutions… and at the end of the day I just had to say fuck it. I don’t know wtf is going on anymore. Things just don’t make sense. I look at people who have cancer and I get a little jealous. I look at guys waving a sign by the side of the road, and I think that’s not a bad way to make an honest living.

You know?

Someone long ago said what makes a hell on earth are our attempts to make it heaven…

shit. Karl Popper?? hehe, was that really him. I dunno. Like I said, I’m tired. I better sleep on it. Maybe things will make more sense in the morning.