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basic pleasure model

Dedicated to one or two women who maybe liked me.. years ago. and inimitable… Philip K. Dick.

For those of you who skipped their women’s studies classes, first-wave feminism got women the vote; second-wave got them employed and divorced; third-wave is busy making them porn stars. More or less – Kathleen Parker

Someone once told me that I was good enough looking, that if I were just nice to girls, I could probably get laid pretty often. I don’t think I ever actually tried doing it that way.

These are the phases that you go through, I suppose. You’re young. You’re surrounded by people. You’re anxious. and Annoyed. You drink. You’re alone. You’re afraid of dying alone. I think eventually you figure out… alone might be kind of nice. Because you’re so goddamn tired of being nice to people. Would anyone ever really love the real you? Doubtful… Someone wise once said.. what you really want doesn’t actually exist in reality. Now you go and think about that one…

Lucky for me, I was the only one at that fucked up party who actually figured out her costume – Pris. And you don’t dress like that.. unless you want some. Am I right or am I Right?

She wasn’t perfect.. but you know what, she was pretty close. The only question now is, could I actually leave behind this fucking self-pity I had become so addicted to. Senior year. I think I really was doing these calculations somewhere in the back of my mind. Just imagine. If I don’t get laid THIS year.. then shit. I could actually keep feeling sorry for myself FOREVER. I mean look, I didn’t even get any pussy in college. What are they going to say to that? This is America, and there ain’t a worse punishment imaginable.. Look at him. He didn’t even get any pussy in college. Right?

So what’s the plan going to be here? We close. We start talking about our parents.. and the future perhaps… I hope that when I actually have to see these other parents, they’ll hate me enough that I don’t have to feel too bad about the inevitable breakup. Ideally, I can get enough sex out of this and be done with her by Christmas.

So you live in this house? (She jolts me out of the daydream)

Uh.. no, Jerry does. Let me talk to a couple people first, then we’ll get going.

I never said I’m going home with you! I was just wondering. I think the girls and I have other plans.

Whatever. Give her space.

A few drinks later she does wander over to the couch, and again starts chatting.

So you said you don’t live far, is that right?

I like your type, I say…

Which is?

You’re the type who’ll have a lot of regrettable sex because you’re afraid you can’t get the guy you really want to be with.

It took a few seconds for her to start laughing.

She came back with the usual, I guess that’s what college is for, isn’t it?

You wanna watch Blade Runner with me or no?

We do indeed end up at my place pretty soon that night. I never even have to meet the parents. She found some other inebriate between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I guess it’d be worse if she were perfect.

books, life, love, relationships, solitude, writing

IF THERE WAS A TEST, I MUST HAVE FAILED IT.

If there’s delight in love, ‘Tis when I see that heart, which others bleed for, bleed for me – William Congreve

I took a certain pride in knowing I’d helped ruin his life enough to give him something substantial to write about – Mick Jagger

I started thinking.. the other day about whether or not I actually broke any hearts, really? If I can find like 3, then maybe I’d be happy. hehehe. Pretty fucked up, isn’t it? Is this a diagnosable condition?? Did anyone actually Want to go to prom, with me? Or.. or maybe that Megan girl I roomed with for a few weeks in Chicago. I think maybe Megan liked me. maybe not. She looked pretty frail.. but I do hope she’s alive.. somewhere..

Maybe it was just the one girl.. in Russia.. who wanted to marry me when we were 10 or 11.

I keep discovering writers who killed themselves in their 40s.. or drank themselves to death, which is arguably the same thing.. so.. even THAT is not original. You begin to wonder.. around this time, I suppose.. will there ever be a second act? Another chapter in this crazy life. they had that plane and black hawk crash at Reagan the other day. No survivors. It’s not always so dramatic.. but it begins to dawn on you that.. this.. All this will soon be over, and maybe you won’t even see it coming. And if you see it coming.. yeah, I suppose I’d rather see it coming. There must be.. a date.. in the Akashic field (Ervin Laszlo, Edgar Cayce) or whatever the hell that is. Look it up. it’s interesting stuff.. this Akashic business.

I think it’s another common theme in Alcoholics anonymous. IF YOU LIKE ME, THEN I’LL DESPISE YOU.. right? Pretty fucked, I guess. I think I heard something like that before..

I think there’s another game called Stump your Therapist. I’m pretty good at this game. That’s where I came up with – MY QUALITY OF LIFE DOESN’T JUSTIFY THE EFFORT REQUIRED TO COPE WITH IT.

Pretty good, eh? Or.. my Higher power doesn’t want me to get a shitty job in addition to being a miracle.

Or, Why don’t you make me Care about Life again? It’s your job, not mine. You’re the EXPERT.

So, anyway, Still looking for a prestigious publisher for my Autobiography. I think we’ll call it – IF THERE WAS A TEST, I MUST HAVE FAILED IT.

another one is – IF YOUR LIFE IS A LIVING HELL, THEN WHY DO YOU WANT MORE OF IT??

You know.. good things do happen, sometimes. I really did find a backpack with $52 dollars around this time last year. That was nice. But I still didn’t get the stimulus. what do I really want? I think I just want to drive one of those streetcars in New Orleans. that’s what I want.

this.. I think this is called “Secondary gain” in the business –

Victimhood
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deaths of despair.

Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together – Petrarch

By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be – Irvine Welsh

no, not depressed today. Actually, I am probably a little Manic. thats why.. that’s why I’m in a writing Mood I guess. But.. couple days ago I was watching a little talk by Niall Ferguson on the subject. We’ll come back to that…

You know one thing I really am grateful for.. is my Memory. Some people say that’s why Hemingway Off’ed himself. He saw he lost the magic. Electroshock fucked something up. Once in a while, I think I still have THE MAGIC. uh… I’ll come back to that also.. Maybe today. Maybe Not.

Four years ago I posted on Facebook, hey look, I made it to 33 and I am still alive. I Outlived Jesus of Nazareth. And Now I got 4 more years. Nothing much has changed.. but.. hey, I guess most people think it’s better to be alive than the alternative.

I did. I did try to contact “Poverty Solutions.” Because in AA they tell me to ASK FOR HELP. So I did. I found the Appropriate resource, and I Asked for Help. Yep.

For some reason these idiots referred me to the Police department, Again. And I want THE WORLD to see this. I want Someone to explain to me WHAT THE FUCK is going on. WHY are these scumbags avoiding responsibility? Why do you believe that a 36 year old male with 39 cents in his bank account, Living with Mom Does NOT qualify for your help. You’re the University of Michigan. You say you’re Solving poverty. I want you to Grow the HELL up and DO what you say you’re qualified to be doing. Just Grow up!

This isn’t funny anymore. I am really not making a joke here. Someone has to GROW THE HELL UP.

This morning in the shower what I really wanted to write about was.. sex or Self pity. Which would you rather have? Of course you need to have had both to make an Informed decision. And you know what. you know what.. I think I’m leaning toward Self-pity. What is it now? 28 years left. till I get that Social security check. If they don’t solve my poverty Sooner. Fine. you know what. FUCKING FINE! I can wait 28 years. I keep getting better at waiting. I’ll ride this horse all the way to Retirement!

It’s not like I haven’t tried other things. I got this guy’s book. D. D. Burns. And I can’t get through the fucking chapter on Motivation. He’s supposed to be as good as they come. Fucking Amherst, UPenn, Stanford. Holy shit. I even said I’ll work for him. he needed a test driver for his Ai therapist I think, but I assume the position has been filled. Oh well.

My real therapist, currently, sometimes talks about REALITY. Reality? You know what that makes me think of? That makes me think of Freight trains. That’s as real as it gets, buddy. If you don’t get out the way of That thing, game over. Reality. Fucking asshole. No. I’m really not depressed today. this is not a “Gesture”

I just want him to get a little more specific, that’s all. If by reality you mean you want me to get a shit job, for shit money, and do all this while I’m SOBER, Well you can go Fuck yourself. Reality. THAT is why I think of Freight trains.

Yeah, I used to think girls were real special. Like most young men.. I thought.. I thought if one day I would actually make love to a really beautiful woman, things would change.. dramatically. Something Fantastic, and Magical would happen. Have I done it yet? Heh, I’m not sure. I guess eventually I made up in quantity.

You have to define success and be happy when you get it!

That’s it. That’s my little therapy tip. Original? I think so.

You know if I did have.. a Magic wand.. a time machine, I wouldn’t even go back to 2009. Because if I could have a do-over with Roxi.. well.. well then I wouldn’t have Any Self-pity!! Why would I give THAT up? HAHAHAHAHA.

But I Would go back to… 2010. Because that’s when I met M. no wait.. maybe it was 2011 already. Anyway. It was that Winter. I believe it was pretty cold. She broke up with BOYFRIEND. She was in town for training, a week? and Oh God She was something. We were, what? 23 and 25 I guess. I thought it was perfect.. MEANT to be. mm.. I know her name.. I know where she went to school.. but you know what.. she met my friend.. Rafferty. They seemed to get along.. Rafferty is dead by the way.. I am pretty sure. Suicide probably. For other reasons. Anyway. I was jealous.. of course.. and I believe the Bro Code says, I SAW IT FIRST, so its supposed to be mine. I went back.. grabbed my bag from her hotel room that I strategically placed earlier (sneaky), and I just had to leave. I think we started off well, but my drunken self was eventually creeping her out. She said maybe tomorrow.. hehe. No. I stayed away from the Crowne Plaza that week. Maybe she found Raff again. Who knows. I am sure if I DID have a time machine.. I could make that night work, eventually. But.. I don’t know. I don’t seem to meet spectacular women anymore. Maybe it’s because I’m not that hungry. Maybe it’s just impossible.. to make it work. Maybe I’m too addicted to Self pity.. No going back.. no going back they say.

Memory. yes. when we run out of booze, we feed on memories. I think it’s not a bad way to live.

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PART II.

Well. this is Part 2. So we’re up to.. about 165? another 200 good ones.. will be hard to find. But.. find them we will! Someday… I guess there is a bit of a theme here. A lot of quotes here are mostly about dumping out the Garbage we’ve all been taught. And a little more diversity, I guess.

  1. There are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before – Willa Cather
  2. We all have an old knot in the heart we wish to untie – Michael Ondaatje
  3. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right – Ashleigh Brilliant.
  4. The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults – Peter De Vries
  5. A person may cause evil to others not only by his actions but by his inaction, and in either case he is justly accountable to them for the injury – John S. Mill
  6. Those who teach, must never cease to learn – John Cotton Dana
  7. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it. Clarence Darrow
  8. To find out what one is fitted to do, and to secure an opportunity to do it, is the key to happiness – John Dewey
  9. I guess the only time most people think about injustice is when it happens to them. – Charles Bukowski
  10. Our view of the world is truly shaped by what we decide to hear. – William James
  11. Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. – William James
  12. Humans seldom have created anything of lasting value unless they were tired or hurting. – Jon Huntsman Sr.
  13. Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love; close enough on the surface but, to the non-sucker, not exactly the same thing – Nassim Taleb
  14. The three most harmful addictions are heroin, carbohydrates, and a monthly salary – Nassim Taleb
  15. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power – PJ O’Rourke
  16. The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable – GB Shaw
  17. I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve – Albert Schweitzer
  18. Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. – Bertrand Russell
  19. What gets us into trouble is not what we don’t know. It’s what we know for sure that just ain’t so. – Mark Twain?
  20. All cruelty springs from weakness – Seneca
  21. The number of those who undergo the fatigue of judging for themselves is very small indeed – Richard Brinsley Sheridan
  22. Maturity requires a final accommodation between our aspirations and our limitations – J William Fulbright
  23. We’re a nation of Adult children of alcoholics. We don’t get mad at the people who are inflicting the pain in this country. We get mad at the people who are pointing it out.- Jimmy Dore.
  24. But my lord, when we addressed this issue a few years ago, didn’t you argue the other side?” He said, “That’s true, but when I get more evidence I sometimes change my mind. What do you do? – John Maynard Keynes
  25. It’s amazing how people can change behind closed doors – Susan Forward
  26. it is the essence of morality to meditate on one’s own wrongdoing, to try to find ways to make up for it and to be resolved not to repeat it – Dan Kovalik
  27. The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. WALPOLE?
  28. He suddenly understood the message of so many spiritual teachers that the only revolution that can work is the inner transformation of every human being – Stanislav Grof
  29. We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented – Andrew Niccol
  30. Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes – William GIBSON
  31. To say nothing, especially when speaking, is half the art of diplomacy. – Will Durant
  32. If you keep telling the same sad small story, you will keep loving the same sad small life.- Jean Houston
  33. The highest reward for a man’s toil is not what he gets for it but what he becomes by it – John Ruskin
  34. There is never anything to change but our own perspective – Karen Casey
  35. We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth we find bitter -Denis Diderot
  36. It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything – Chuck Palahniuk
  37. You measure democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists. – Abbie Hoffman
  38. Action isn’t my forte. I’m an expert on contemplation and mild regret. – R. SHECKLEY
  39. All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. – James Thurber
  40. The greatest ownership of all is to glance around and understand. – William Stafford
  41. What we do not understand we have no right to judge – Henri-Frederic Amiel.
  42. Ask yourself this question: ‘Will this matter a year from now? – Richard Carlson
  43. A problem well stated is a problem half solved. – Charles Kettering.
  44. “If the misery of the poor be caused not by the laws of nature, but by our institutions, great is our sin.” – Charles Darwin
  45. The essence of strategy is choosing what not to do. – Michael Porter
  46. “Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate, or despise, serves to defeat us in the end.” – Henry Miller
  47. No one learns as much about a subject as one who is forced to teach it. – Peter Drucker
  48. The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible — and achieve it, generation after generation. – Pearl Buck
  49. Clear thinking requires courage rather than intelligence. – Thomas Szasz
  50. Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is. – Thomas Szasz
  51. Back home there was no freedom, but there were readers. Here there was freedom enough, but readers were missing – Sergei Dovlatov
  52. Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don’t you think? – Frank Baum
  53. The greatest evil that one has to fight constantly, every minute of the day until one dies, is the worst part of oneself – Patrick McGoohan
  54. In most of our human relationships, we spend much of our time reassuring one another that our costumes of identity are on straight. – Ram Dass
  55. Anxiety, trauma and crisis are necessary catalysts to stimulate self-consciousness. – Rollo Tomassi
  56. Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together. – Petrarch
  57. You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from. – Cormac McCarthy
  58. “Think of denial as an acronym for Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying” – Debbie Ford.
  59. “The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” – Charles Bukowski
  60. Don’t give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass.. – Ellen DeGeneres
  61. although freedom of speech constitutes an important victory in the battle against old restraints, modern man is in a position where much of what “he” thinks and says are the things that everybody else thinks and says; that he has not acquired the ability to think originally – that is, for himself – which alone gives meaning to his claim that nobody can interfere with the expression of his thoughts – Erich Fromm
  62. America’s always been a great place to be crazy. It just used to be harder to make a living that way – Charles P Pierce
  63. A classic is a book that has never finished saying what it has to say – Italo Calvino
  64. Happiness is not easy to find. It’s very difficult to find it in yourself — and impossible to find anywhere else… (Found this attributed to at least 3 different authors.. so let’s just say UNKNOWN)
  65. Natural selection favors the forces of psychological denial – GARRETT HARDIN
  66. When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said “Let us pray.” We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. – Desmond Tutu
  67. People want an authority to tell them how to value things, but they choose this authority not based on facts or results – Michael Burry (movie, Big Short)
  68. A man with a conviction is a hard man to change. Tell him you disagree and he turns away. Show him facts or figures and he questions your sources. Appeal to logic and he fails to see your point. -Leon Festinger
  69. Every man dies, not every man truly lives. – Sonny Barger
  70. Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any. – John Callahan
  71. “He was old and wise, which meant tired and disappointed…” TE Lawrence.
  72. The first duty of a man is to think for himself – Jose Marti
  73. Through money, democracy becomes its own destroyer, after money has destroyed intellect. – Oswald Spengler
  74. An educated person is one who has learned that information almost always turns out to be at best incomplete and very often false, misleading, fictitious, mendacious – just dead wrong. – Russell Baker
  75. Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help. – Alex Haley.
  76. If people cannot rise to the level of applying to ourselves the same standards we apply to others they have no right to talk about right and wrong. – Noam Chomsky
  77. I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally. – Bill Maher
  78. Ninety-five percent of the beliefs we have stored in our minds are nothing but lies, and we suffer because we believe all these lies – Don Miguel Ruiz
  79. Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one’s luck – Iris Murdoch
  80. The worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal – Aristotle.
  81. The duty of youth is to challenge corruption. – Kurt Cobain
  82. The more things change, the more they are the same – Alphonse Karr
  83. ….
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Time flies….

So Philip Zimbardo died earlier this month. I also had sort of a near death experience.. if you follow my other publication.. well maybe you know. Seemed like a trap. really seemed like some kind of trap to me. Thought I’d catch a ride on a freight train.. always wanted to do it. anyway. you probably want to JUMP OFF the thing maybe before it starts goin over 20 miles per hour or so. it won’t be a soft landing…..

I do.. I really do have to get going on finishing up this little project. My work.. no, Hobby the past 10 years has been the collecting of quotes.. and Im up to 3230 so far. And I suppose it is time to pare down the list to just the ones.. I really cannot live without. Let’s say Elon Musk figures out how to augment your brain and working memory and stuff.. and really makes us all.. Wiser? let’s say it works out. and I wake up in the morning. And I want to download a list of things TO REMEMBER. every single day. let’s say it’s a list of 365 little reminders.. then I suppose this would be my list. You might have seen these little meditation books that are popular with people who Used to use drugs.. or Christians.. both. anyway.

If you’ve got Strong ties to Hazelden publishing, maybe put in a good word?

I decided to give myself an Education I missed out on.. when I was busy boozing at UM. Didn’t even get laid. Fucking unbelievable. I don’t know how they get away with this shit.

I thought I had KILLER title when I first tried doing this a few years ago. but.. the list grew. this’ll probably be published in 3 parts.. 120 – 120 & 125. perhaps I’ll shuffle them around a bit later. I do realize this first one here is quite a bit biased toward Male authors.. all I can say is.. I sort for powerful ideas.. that resonate (with me). But.. I know. I know I’ll try to add some Diversity later… I think I’ll limit each author to 3 appearances.

So, here it is. Have another drink from my.. Fire Hydrant. heh.

The fact that you have unlimited texts does not necessarily mean that you cannot stop talking: Meditations for recovery from the compulsive behavior of your choice.

  1. If you put good apples into a bad situation, you’ll get bad apples – ZIMBARDO
  2. A sane person to an insane society must appear insane – Kurt Vonnegut
  3. I don’t want my past to become anyone else’s future – Elie Wiesel
  4. A conscience is that still small voice that people won’t listen to – Carlo Collodi
  5. It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society – Krishnamurti
  6. The most effective way to destroy people is to deny and obliterate their own understanding of their history – Orwell
  7. Every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it – Orwell
  8. I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion’ – Muhammad Ali
  9. Love is giving something you don’t have to someone who doesn’t want it – J. Lacan
  10. Apparently I lack some particular perversion which today’s employer is seeking – John Kennedy Toole.
  11. You could tell by the way he talked, though, that he had gone to school a long time. That was probably what was wrong with him – John Kennedy Toole
  12. If reason ruled the world would history even exist? – R. Kapuscinski
  13. How many things have been denied one day, only to become realities the next – Jules Verne
  14. Never attribute to malevolence what is merely due to incompetence – Arthur Clarke?
  15. If you can’t state your position in eight words, you don’t have a position – Seth Godin
  16. Healthy children will not fear life if their elders have integrity enough not to fear death – Erik Erikson
  17. Being busy is a form of laziness – lazy thinking and indiscriminate action – Tim Ferriss
  18. Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it – JK Rowling
  19. A person you excuse from any genuine challenge is a person you do not truly respect – John McWhorter
  20. Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact – George Eliot
  21. To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive – Robert L Stevenson
  22. Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose – Eckhart Tolle
  23. It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living – Eckhart Tolle
  24. He who goes about to reform the world must begin with himself, or he loses his labor – St. Ignatius
  25. For if you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners to be corrupted from their infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded from this, but that you first make thieves and then punish them – St. Thomas More
  26. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts – Will Rogers
  27. The map is not the territory – Alfred Korzybski
  28. Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away – Philip K Dick
  29. A desk is a dangerous place from which to watch the world – David Cornwell (le Carre…)
  30. I never think that I am the one who must see to it that cherries grow on stalks – Carl Jung
  31. One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple – Jack Kerouac
  32. Absence of Evidence is not Evidence of Absence – Carl Sagan
  33. It is an ironic habit of human beings to run faster when they have lost their way – ROLLO MAY
  34. Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something – Robert Heinlein
  35. You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with – Jim Rohn
  36. sooner or later she had to give up the hope for a better past – Irvin Yalom
  37. Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe – HG Wells
  38. What really matters is what you do with what you have – HG Wells
  39. When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice – Andre Gide (or Saul bellow… hehe, I gotta look this one up again)
  40. The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself – Bernard Malamud
  41. All of us are prisoners, to one degree or another, of our experience – Gary Hamel
  42. We have, as human beings, a storytelling problem. We’re a bit too quick to come up with explanations for things we don’t really have an explanation for – Malcolm Gladwell
  43. The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men – Plato

44.. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools – Herbert Spencer (that reminds me of something…..)

45. Never complain of that of which it is at all times in your power to rid yourself – Adam Smith

46. There seems to be some perverse human characteristic that likes to make easy things difficult – Warren Buffett

47. No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true – Nathaniel Hawthorne

48. No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man – Heraclitus

49. Science cannot solve the ultimate mystery of nature. And that is because, in the last analysis, we ourselves are a part of the mystery that we are trying to solve – Max Planck

50. If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants – Isaac Newton

51. Integrity has no need of rules – Albert Camus

52. He who loves the more is the inferior and must suffer – Thomas Mann

53. To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment – Emerson

54. Prejudices are what fools use for reason – Voltaire

55. ..our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers – M. Scott Peck

56. To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible – Aquinas

57. None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free – Goethe

58. It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness – Tolstoy

59. We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light – Plato??

60. To find fault is easy; to do better may be difficult – Plutarch

61. To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail – Maslow

62. If the essential core of the person is denied or suppressed, he gets sick sometimes in obvious ways, sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes immediately, sometimes later – Maslow

63. We’re developing a new citizenry. One that will be very selective about cereals and automobiles, but won’t be able to think – Rod Serling

64. One of the advantages of being disorganized is that one is always having surprising discoveries – AA Milne

65. Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important – Stephen Covey

66. All language is but a poor translation – Kafka

67. Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate – Carl Jung

68. We are not rich by what we possess but by what we can do without – Kant

69. It is very difficult also to sacrifice one’s suffering. A man will renounce any pleasures you like but he will not give up his suffering – GI Gurdjieff

70. My destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing – Proust

71. No matter how thin you slice it, there will always be two sides – Spinoza?

72. It’s necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live – Dumas

73. If the Martians ever find out how human beings think, they’ll kill themselves laughing – ALBERT ELLIS

74. Humility is the awareness that there’s a lot you don’t know and that a lot of what you think you know is distorted or wrong – David Brooks

75. The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere – Anne Lindbergh

76. Beauty fades, dumb is forever – Judge Judy

77. Non nobis solum nati sumus (I think that’s something about Selfishness..) – Cicero

78. The more we love someone, the less we flatter them; it is by excusing nothing that true love shows itself – Moliere

And that’s about it for today. Uh. Yeah, a little short of my goal. But. We’ll see. We’ll see if I can come up with another 290 meaningful quotations from the Master list… Left some question marks when I was unsure about authorship… That might be a challenge if we want to get it all right.

To be Continued.

365… There are only two ways of telling the complete truth–anonymously and posthumously – Thomas Sowell.

advice, books, life, patience, work

one more time…….

oh I want to talk about running. Just like Haruki.. hehe.

because That’s about all I do.. thats somewhat productive.

this really is a great time to Run in Michigan. Low 60s in the morning.

sometimes there is a little mist. Very peaceful.

If you get your ass out of bed before 9, it’s always refreshing. You won’t regret it.

but you gotta do it. Doing it. getting up. Is getting kind of hard.

I had a little insight the other day, I guess. We often look up people… like Jim Ryun… Gerry Lindgren. and we see how fast they run. ran. what medals they earned. Wow, that’s fast.

And then last night I watched a Jack Daniels video about… about what they did to get there. and no.. that’s not something we think about too much. Look at all the work. the hundreds and thousands of miles they travelled. to get to that.. that one race. that makes them a Champion.. forever.

They always talk about delayed gratification… just wait.. just wait and things will be better.

Maybe. Maybe not.

But in life it’s really not so simple is it. Everyone gets to take a course on the law of delayed consequences, before you get to call yourself Adult… required course for Adulting. The law of delayed consequences. At some point. we get to take that course.

You know for me.. I know I have to work my ass off the next month.. 28.. 27 days. to get in shape. and then maybe I’ll run that Boston qualifying marathon… but that doesn’t happen until.. April 2026. If I get every day right. Enough work. enough Food.. enough rest.. the next 28 days. After that there’s not much to worry about. You just show up. and You do what you’ve been training for. Just do it. hehe.

But.. right now Im Anxious. I gotta get up. and Get those miles in. Every day. I gotta push myself a little harder every day. Then you run that race.

and you get to keep it. forever.

babies, communication, environment, life, love, money, relationships, school, solitude, take it easy, work

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

And if there is one sure sign in Hegel’s philosophy that history isn’t over, of course it’s a war. Because there are embodied people in struggle with different views about what freedom is and how to live. RICK RODERICK

well. I guess today I was inspired by a recent publication on Augustine of Hippo (Linked below) to add some more words about my own sad, little life.

I began to pray. what did I pray? I prayed. GOD is there anything left for me to do.. on God’s green earth?

I guess I was a little suicidal. But. I prayed.

God.. God usually tells me to Lie a little less. or never.

You know.. Ma.. ma never lets me down.. I guess.. Ma knows I fucked her like no man ever could. Right? hehehehehe..

Sorry. maybe that’s a little too much. Ma always likes to say Oh we’re just little people from the middle of nowhere.. some little village in Russia or Belarus or Ukraine or some shit.

And I think she sincerely believes it.. Humility is a virtue!

But she knows very well that her parents were Military officers who worked abroad who definitely had some power in the ol’ Soviet system at least. and that’s why they got to reproduce so quickly.. and I had nice bikes and Camels.. where’s the fucking camel? There’s a picture of the camel somewhere.. well. you know.

What is it that drove these people.. my parents to Jump Ship in 1998 and move to America.. perhaps we’ll never know. I think they were just running.. running away from shit. Instead of confronting it. Russia was nice. I had a girlfriend in Russia… when I was.. 10.

Well. they’re employable. I’m not.. apparently. I just write shit on the internet. I donate plasma and get 50 bucks for drink. Hey, that’s not bad pay for not doing shit for an hour. I still try to get some runs in. Still running. Marathons.

Oh, wait. yes. I fell in love. I did fall in love once. and that’s what I get.. from the object of my affection. Shit, I still can’t believe it.. maybe it’s just a California thing? no.. No I think this still makes sense to some people.. here… in Michigan. Just read.

So. by the time you’re 27 you’re up to 4 boyfriends that you cheated on.. and I still didn’t get that pussy. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh. Oh Lord.. what do you want me to do? or say…

What? What do you say to something like that? Except maybe drink yourself to death.. hehehe.

What? No. no no no no no. You’re not gonna make me do shit. People. you see.. PEOPLE used to do things for a reason. The reason usually was you’re trying to start a family.. or something. right? How do you do that.. these days? In this environment… I respect your honesty.. but JESUS.. YOU know. JESUS. what do you say to something like that?

God.. Is there ANYTHING left for me to do.. on this earth.. today..? You just sit back.. Enjoy the show.. I guess?

books, communication, environment, life, money, relationships, society, solitude, work, writing

hide and seek

my friend told me to finish my novel before I finish my next tube of toothpaste

there’s a challenge.

you know I did find a nice place to hide in this annoying town .

there is a roof of an abandoned warehouse. You have a metal ladder you can climb.

haul some water up there and you can live

for weeks maybe. Months?

you look around and see the hospitals the bars and gas stations. Apartments. You see folks moving around and wonder. Why are they in such a hurry?

you can’t pay me enough to live like this.

Vonnegut wrote something about this. The Uwtb. Universal will to become .

what does it all come down to. Love and money. And if there’s enough money you can probably buy love.

sorry. Sorry!

I guess I’ve been alone so long it doesn’t bother me. If I keep sleeping on the roof my guru will show up and explain everything to me.

What are you still trying to turn yourself into?

what is it?

nope. I don’t have it. I’m just me. sometimes I don’t even use my name. I’m Alex or boris or Sergei who played with them Wings in 95.

yes it’s fucking unbelievable. It’s 2024 and people haven’t learned how to stop going to war. Is that really why I drink so much?

maybe.

advice, life, love, patience, relationships, solitude, take it easy, value, work

Cancer.

oh wouldn’t it be nice to have cancer.

Honestly, I can’t think of a better way to go.

It’s nice! PEOPLE FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.

if things arent going well… I am doing something Wrong… they say.

well things have been kinda fucked up. and I really dont know wtf… wtf am I doing. Drinking? okay. yes. Maybe Im still drinking.

But more will be revealed! that’s also true… I guess. more is always revealed.

I discovered a new author. Christopher Lasch. historian. hehe. Cancer. Lucky. Died on Valentine’s day, did he?

You know I read this quote… yesterday. and I honestly don’t know what the hell he means. Maybe I should just get the book and see if he explains it further. Aren’t they both just SELLING something? what exactly is his point? that some things shouldn’t be for sale?? in most… states… heh.

is that what he means? I don’t know.

No, I never really was “Blazing through pussy” as one of my therapists used to say. too hard… fast… although yes I did have a nice year in Philadelphia. Philly was fun. no complaints. the last two uh… Quasi-relationships were with older gals… and I suppose there was a bit of a transfer of wealth in my direction. hehe. they weren’t bad looking, I’d do it for free… heh… but… hey the extra gratitude doesn’t hurt. I guess. I can always use more socks……. and food.

Was that really my objective? no… but how does.. Rollo say it? the “gynocratic social order” ?? is that what it’s about? Girls want what they want… and sometimes they’re even ready and willing to pay? and I really didn’t have much else going on. and all things considered… why not… it’s definitely better than the relationship I’ve been observing between my parents…. as we all know… by now.

Improper documentation of requirements always leads to many sleepless nights and angry people – ACCENTURE.

Good thing I remembered that one… hehe.

No. my only real objective for many years has been to see my father suffer horribly for making my life a living hell.

Strike 1 – Leaving Russia. You dumbass…. Strikes 2 & 3. didn’t fucking leave me ALONE when I actually had things going on… opportunities… in 2005. 2010 also. I could’ve been in a different fucking state and all he had to do was fucking LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

Nope. he’s got to keep fucking up my life. But. But THIS IS AMERICA. and that’s definitely 3 strikes, by my count.

and you’re a fucking piece of shit. And you will not be TRUSTED. you will just be observed. very closely. you dumb little piece of shit.

is there another way to look at it? Maybe. But I still think My view is more right than any other.

What else am I doing wrong?

the DECISION MAKERS. heh. they’re somewhere. they can open doors, I am sure. if they want. but. the doors are closed and it’s really not up to me. what the hell you really want? I did have 3 or 4 months of no drinking a couple years ago. AND NOTHING IS HAPPENING. so what the fuck do you really want. I don’t have any more fucking stories. sorry.

law, life, love, medicine, relationships, religion, school, society, value, work

a process of elimination…

I know I should be doing something… but I just don’t know what.

I really don’t see any good ideas.

yes. half the time I really am just waiting… day dreaming… that some philosophical society will send me an award… or I get the Macarthur fellowship… it’s great. because you don’t even have to apply for those… you can just wait. hehe. and Visualize getting a fellowship. Like I said. I think I deserve it. it’s time.

yes, I’ve said many times, that some of my problem is being lazy, and feeling sorry for myself.

But look how far that got me! I’m 36. Not bad. World marathon record holder Kelvin Kiptum just died at 24. Hope he was sober… anyway.

what the hell am I supposed to do with myself?

I think I want to fall in love. hehe. Sometimes I run across the Deb McMillan Bridge in Rochester (MI) and see all these fucking locks hanging off it. fucking pisses me off. that really is a thing isn’t it? If you love someone, you go to the bridge, and you hang a fucking lock on it. Never got to do that.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_lock

I’m always really good at coming up with reasons not to do shit.

Where do I start. Sales. Been doing sales since I was 12. Yes, I think that contributed to my depression. I’m more manic than depressive honestly. but. still. I’m not fucking doing sales. No more.

History. Well. you know. I talked about this before. they can’t even figure out what the hell happened on 911. Osama? heh. probably not. There’s Loose change (movie). there’s architects and engineers for truth. look it up. really. that’ll get you started. but… I bet if I open up a history book. it probably just says Osama. osama osama osama. hehe. No. I cannot take HISTORY seriously. Sorry. We’ve got to do better than that. I mean, actually. yes. I would be interested in figuring out what actually happened. but, apparently THEY dont want us to know. That’s why there’s all these fucking theories… and in my opinion… nothing really makes 100 percent sense.

Moving on to THE LAW. I probably wrote about this somewhere. the college friend who turned me on to Balzac all those years ago is actually a lawyer. hehe. LAWS ARE SPIDER WEBS… THROUGH WHICH BIG FLIES PASS. AND LITTLE ONES GET CAUGHT. Yes. there have been some great lawyers. Gerry Spence, I guess. But, mostly… I’m afraid it’s just going to make me even more insane.

Medicine. Well. you know. Some days I actually pray for cancer. hasn’t happened yet.

And speaking of Praying. How about theology. that’s always been big in America. Well. you know the story. I had an intervention. or something. they know. they know what happened. Cute psychiatric nurse starts talking to me about carpenters in Philadelphia. Not far from where Franklin flew his Kite (I just found out). and the Liberty bell. Very poetic. And shit, you know what. I think I saw God. something happened, that’s for sure. And since then, God hasn’t sent me a single email. So. Yes, some people busy themselves going to Divinity schools… but… well… honestly… what proof have you got, really? that God wants this or that. What fucking proof have you got to show me?

they didn’t even give me any pussy in college.

Finding that no religion is based on facts and cannot therefore be true, I began to reflect what must be the condition of mankind trained from infancy to believe in errors.

ROBERT OWEN